Well after several weeks of throwing this around in chat, in particular thanks Shaggydredlocks, Accelerando, ARD and many other people I did draft swaps with for looking over this
SCP-2793 / Discussion
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Alright, because this might be the most recent post, can somebody please ban Dvima? This user has just been spamming the forum with bee movie and insults, and is really just asking to be banned.
If a troll is vandalizing articles, it's likely that staff are already aware and taking action. No need to make a post on the forums. If you want to bring it to attention, pop into #site17 and tell an operator.
This is a closed staff post. Do not reply for any other reason if you are not staff.
I like the notion that the rings are a megastructure. I need to think about the rest of it.
terraforming
Is making planets Earthlike, that isn't what is happening here.
You are right, I think planetary engineering is a better phrase
10/10, would construct planetary defense system in orbit around celestial bodies again.
At this point, honestly, I don't give a shit about space stuff unless it's doing something at least… three times as weird as this. Like, what's here that I couldn't get in a much more interesting fashion out of my Clarke or Asimov collections?
if your reading this your gay
I want to reiterate this comment because I think I should have emphasized this more. When I say "go into more detail about the race of life itself", I mean REALLY dig into it. Articles aren't special because of story alone; it's the small thing and hints revealed in a single scientific document, that make you go "…hm."
I noticed you've taken the article's direction away from a benevolent race to a condescending species, but there's still a lack of evocative info. I keep mentioning details because the concept itself isn't very evocative to me. Lots of science fiction with stuff like this exists, but you need to utilize the advantages of an article's format to encapture all readers, including veterans that have read hundreds of other articles before.
We know these little drones make rocks around Saturn, and we aren't allowed to touch them. But why? Why drones specifically? How technologically produced do we need to be as a race? Do the entities that have made these drones really know what there doing? I keep asking these questions because I want to see more content to diversify this into a micro-fiction that only exists on this site.
You have the ability to write clearly, but just need to assemble a concept and background that many don't see. That's what I try to do with each article I write, at least.
I would call this a low-mediocre article. It isn't horrible, like those articles that immediately go to -20 and deletion, it just isn't very good.
The science seems a bit iffy. It's one thing to say "anomalous, rules don't apply", but this is presented as real science. And I don't buy it - you basically have the bots powered by a perpetual motion machine.
You have too many "appears", "seems", etc. Say what the Foundation knows and let the reader speculate; in-universe guessing weakens the article.
Strict use of the past tense makes the logs weird. Especially in C, where you mention something that hasn't happened yet:
simulations showed that without the nano-machines to maintain the structure, the ring would begin to break apart and reenter Saturn over the course of a year.
The final log feels cheap. It's a space SCP so there's an evil alien at the end. Yawn.
Too many words. Write fewer words.
perpetual motion
Saturn's magetosphere (the second largest in the solar system) is created by currents generated by the rotation of metallic hydrogen in the planet's core; this doesn't violate thermodynamics in the slightest.
To put it another way, the gas giants are essentially gargantuan natural electrical dynamos to begin with.
It's also worth pointing out that the gravitational fields of both Jupiter and Saturn generate enough tidal heating in their moons for several of them to have liquid oceans and/or tectonic activity, and their atmospheres contain vast amounts of potentially useful elements, provided one has a way of extracting them.
Basically, if you wanted to build something like this, Saturn is an ideal location- all the traits you want, but without Jupiter's "wannabe star" levels of electromagnetic output frying your systems.
Huh where exactly in this scip do I use seem? I would like to know thank you
EDIT: Also all the science is real my friend :P
I like the general idea, but it needs a re-write. There are too many tone-breaking descriptions, and unevenness of details. Examples:
remind extant space agencies
Why "extant"?
it is to be discretely sabotaged
As opposed to publically sabotaged?
several specialized micro-machines
Why micro, not nano?
SCP-2793 is now hypothesized to be the original creator of the rings around Saturn
The original creator, as opposed to any other one?
Individual nano-machines are capable of harvesting trace elements from space.
How do we know this?
releasing a pulse of energy
What kind of energy? Why suddenly so non-specific?
This energy is wirelessly transmitted into the core of Saturn
Why specify wireless? Was there previously reason to assume wires?
a large broadcasting dish anchored into the atmosphere
In, or into?
One Cycle is hypothesized to be correspondent with one Earth hour
Why are aliens using units approximating human time units?
Greetings unknown species
If we're "unknown" to them, why have they figured out which of our languages to transmit it, and why have they figured out the language?
Power levels: Catastrophic
Meaningless and melodramatic
You are messing with a conflict
Definately the wrong tone.
I like the idea of an odd artifact of megaengineering and a race who is apparently less than fond of it. There's some tonal issues to be worked out, though.
And quits aren't what you think they are, best to cut out that little explanation entirely— leave it at quantum processors. The full explanation for what it would entail is too long and also doesn't add anything to the article in universe or out.
The implication that there is something going on that the entities involved don't believe we're qualified to deal with is very appealing. I've been reading Lovecraftian fiction lately, and the tersely worded 'buzz off, monkeys' message at the end is better news than it could have been.
There's something going on and we don't know what it is - do we, Mr. Jones?
I enjoyed this, apparently more than a number of the other readers. I am given pause by the "quantum processors"; you're basically describing them representing two bits rather than a single bit as somehow computationally significant, and it really isn't. I'd leave the text as it is and just drop that footnote; the concept of quantum computing is well-enough established I don't think you need to try and flesh it out any further.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
