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This is my longest tale evar, and it's about memelords. Big thanks to everyone who's written anything for GAW or reviewed this tale in chat, with extra thanks to Gaffsey for running it over with a fine-toothed comb, and to djkaktus for inspiring the title.
And yes, I did rush to get this posted at 4:20 local time.
if your reading this your gay
Might wanna tag your tale with that fancy new GoI tag you got there, Scan.
This is just a charming little roadtrip adventure exploring the exploits of our two heroes as they fight the power, and I can live with that. +1
Seems Decibelle already got the GAW tag for me. I had completely forgotten it.
if your reading this your gay
I like what you're doing with our intrepid hero, bluntfiend.
There's not a whole heap to this, plot-wise, but I definitely prefer GAW when it's adding substance to characters, rather than trading off memes, so +1.
Can I make a plea for you to go back through this and standardise verb tenses throughout? There are a mix of present and past tense (often in the same section), and I don't think it's a deliberate stylistic choice.
I could do like a sixth pass for verb tense to try and make it all past-tense, but honestly I stopped seeing discrepancies after the fourth one so you'll need to point out any that you see.
if your reading this your gay
"Make it all past-tense" is the important part - now I know which ones are incorrect.
Both flinch a bit from the noise
Armand puffs on the cigarette a little bit
The fourth-floor apartment is lit up by a spotlight
Two seconds of flashing memetic patterns … are beamed straight into Jude's apartment
the flimsy front door is kicked down and a much more conventional flashbang grenade is tossed inside, which promptly flashes and bangs
Something resembling a suitcase made of heavy green plastic is tossed inside right afterwards, and it begins to hum. This is the part
Six armed and armored individuals … enter afterwards
The shorter one steps aside
She gestures at … then points to an assistant
The taller agent opens the fridge with a glove-clad hand, then closes it and moves
The final section is deliberately present-tense (except for the first bit, because it's about the past obviously), because it takes place in the present. I should've mentioned that. I've fixed the other two.
if your reading this your gay
I did wonder. In that case, the following should be made present tense:
within ten seconds of searching they could tell
Two attending women … stepped inside after they were given the all-clear, and took a look around
The taller one sniffed the air
The short agent gestured to a laptop
Oh, and that first bit - is "That is because he didn't how" missing a "know"?
All fixed. Thanks a bunch!
if your reading this your gay
then withdrew a hollow metal pole substantially larger than he was.
Do you mean longer than he was tall? I can't picture this as is, and it tripped me up. Also, is Papa Pete up on the sign, or in the parking lot? Also "Iate" just reads as Late as is. Maybe an extra lowercase i or two?
Not sure of my overall feelings. It's always interesting to see the GAW characters fleshed out, but nothing seems to come of anything. I have no idea of what all the prep was for, unless it was literally just avoiding the raid, and the stakes never felt high there. I guess they needed Papa Pete to turn the truck Italian, but I'm just guessing about that; it wasn't particularly clear.
Edit: In retrospect I'm upvoting this. If nothing else, the quesadilla and Foundation raid details are just too good.
Do you mean longer than he was tall? I can't picture this as is, and it tripped me up. Also, is Papa Pete up on the sign, or in the parking lot? Also "Iate" just reads as Late as is. Maybe an extra lowercase i or two?
Clarified all these.
It's always interesting to see the GAW characters fleshed out, but nothing seems to come of anything.
Fair enough. I decided to lead off with a character-focused tale because without good characterization, plots just fall apart once you stop throwing problems at them. Now that their motives and personalities and lifestyle are established, I have a lot more freedom to make things happen in future installments without it feeling like an arbitrary sequence of events, but it does slow down the pace considerably.
I have no idea of what all the prep was for, unless it was literally just avoiding the raid, and the stakes never felt high there.
The stakes are pretty high for Jude and Armand — the penalty for failure is basically jail without parole, except they get to run experiments on you. I don't really feel this criticism — the tone is fairly subdued, so perhaps it doesn't feel high-stakes, but honestly I'd rather build up to that sort of thing than let it flavor the plot from the outset.
I guess they needed Papa Pete to turn the truck Italian, but I'm just guessing about that; it wasn't particularly clear.
They did. I don't know how to make that any clearer in the tale, and I doubt I will. Via "trait swapping", Armand turned an American truck into an Italian one, and turned an Italian mascot into an American one.
if your reading this your gay
The stakes are pretty high for Jude and Armand — the penalty for failure is basically jail without parole, except they get to run experiments on you. I don't really feel this criticism — the tone is fairly subdued, so perhaps it doesn't feel high-stakes, but honestly I'd rather build up to that sort of thing than let it flavor the plot from the outset.
It's largely the tone thing. I guess I could also put it that it didn't feel particularly urgent. They got the tip-off and seemed to have plenty of time to show up, do prep work, and leave.
I think that was a storytelling choice, and I'm not asking you to change it, it just doesn't quite work for me. If this is a prelude to more tales, I'm definitely interested in them, just neutral voting this one.
(Also I got the trait swapping thing, I guess I just didn't pick it up on the first read though.)
I'm continuing to enjoy GAW stories. This was interesting, if occasionally requiring me to reread to keep track of what is going on. Armand's peculiar diction piqued my curiosity - is it an affectation, a speech impediment, or did he give himself Krantzberg syndrome*? The overall tone makes me think of the original idea for John Constantine - a working class wizard who relies as much on guile, misdirection and outright deceit as on magic.
+1, would smoke again.
*Yes, a Laundry reference.
Armand's peculiar diction piqued my curiosity - is it an affectation, a speech impediment, or did he give himself Krantzberg syndrome*?
Sort of a cross between the last two. In this setting, your particular brand of doing magic directly impacts how your brain works, in often idiosyncratic ways. For example, Jude's strong reality manipulation ironically burdens him with bad executive dysfunction and makes it hard for him to sort out priorities.
Armand's distorted speech is a direct consequence of, and analogous to, how he chops and screws miscellaneous grimoires until they actually work. It's basically a magically-induced speech impediment.
if your reading this your gay
Simple, elegant, effective. Thanks, that increases my appreciation of your work.
You can increase your appreciation when it actually matters in the story. Which I can't guarantee will happen, since I don't have any further installments plotted out quite yet.
if your reading this your gay
That seemed like a lot of work to turn a 'perfectly good F-150' into a very conspicuous Brazil-market Fiat. I'd expect pictures to be plastered on dozens of gearhead blogs within 24 hours wondering how the hell this thing got to the US1. Maybe they should have toppled Sushi Sam instead and transmogrified it into a late 90's Corolla.
Seriously though, a hearty +1.
You know what? I had no idea that they were that noticeable, and it's a great idea for a plot point in the sequel. What better to spice things up than a little unwanted attention?
if your reading this your gay
Isn't this title based off of djkaktus' The Assassination of Downvoted Articles by the Coward Shitposting Wannabe?
We change a lot over time, but there's always a little of our old selves in us. Never forget your old self, they're one of the most important parts of you.
I just read on the author commentary on top and realized my mistake. (Mistake level: 4)
We change a lot over time, but there's always a little of our old selves in us. Never forget your old self, they're one of the most important parts of you.
