My first real contribution to this site - I've tried to polish it as much as possible before posting, but I'm still quite open to suggestions.
Loop / Discussion
This is the discussion related to the wiki page Loop.
Wow, that's… that's quite a sad story. I feel pretty sympathetic for the protagonist, and in my experience that's the sign of a good read. Great job!
…and thus that house became a property of the SCP Foundation.
well, good story, stuck outside of time like that.
This just seems a lot longer than it needs to be. Still, excellent concept, and excellent writing. Good work.
I feel like I've read something like this before (no pun)… but put this way, it was really sad and well done, in spite of one too many copies of *smash*. Liked it, +1.
(Man, I'm sorry, but nobody is THAT thoughtlessly devoted to their significant other. There needs to be a portion like this: )
*shatter*
FLASH
"Why do you have to be so fucking stubborn!?" I shout as I hurl the lamp to the floor.
*shatter*
FLASH
For the first time, Angie hesitates, lamp in hand. "You're one to talk!" she retorts, no doubt knowing how hard it is to talk with a sucking chest wound. "You just had to bring this dirty old thing thing into the house! Why would you do that!? It doesn't go with ANYTHING!"
*shatter*
FLASH
"It's called Kitsch, woman! Surely you've heard of it, what with those pointless doilies you're always knitting. How many tea parties are we supposed to have at the same time anyway? You've made like three for every kettle, plate and glass we own!"
*shatter*
FLASH
I note with satisfaction that look in her eye, and I know I've won. "EXCUSE me! First of all, that's not KNITTING, it's CROCHET! Trust a man not to know the difference. Second of all, Marsha at work said they're cute…" her voice drones on and on as I slip into unconsciousness. Thank God. Finally, I can rest.
*shatter*
FLASH
"Why!? For the love of God, WHY!?" Angie's dark eyes just stare at me from her place on the floor, saving her strength. Instantly I see the flaw in my plan. She's not going to let me die that easily.
She's not finished yet.
With a reluctant sigh, I drop the lamp. Better get this over with…
*shatter*
FLASH
"Haaah-aaahss… thissssss!" Angie gurgles.
"That's it! You're getting it. Just keep the pressure on the wound and you can get two or three words out per gasp. I've found the pain can be helpful, gets the adrenaline flowing, which helps in the short term. And since we have no long-term…"
She's still awake, but her eyes are starting to glaze over. My turn.
*shatter*
FLASH
I eye Angie as she concentrates on me. Her breathing synching up with mine as she dies. "One… two… three—"
*shatter*
FLASH
"If you're BLUE and you don't KNOW where to GO TO why don't you GO where fashion fits…"
"PUHHHt-HAN DAH RIIIIZZZZ~~" I break down choking and coughing. Too much air, all at once. But Angie is laughing and I can't help but break into a grin through my spasms. God it's good to see her like that again. Then she has to go and ruin it by breaking the lamp again.
*shatter*
FLASH
"Oh, thank god he missed!"
"I know, right?"
Angie's delivery was spot on, and even though my face is turning red, I managed to sound casual, I think. Sure enough, just before I expire, the robber peeks in the window, trying and reconcile what he thinks he heard with what he thinks he saw. It seems easier to do this when it's me on the ground than Angie. Angie, for her part, doesn't even look. She just whips around and hurls the ashtray, which we know by now is the heaviest breakable item in the room. The assailant's scream is music to our ears as shattered glass rips into his face. I think he lost an eye this time! Angie savors our victory for a moment, then pointedly kicks over the table holding the lamp.
*shatter*
FLASH
"— at which point he goes either left or right. Right is the fire escape, left is down the stairs and out through the lobby."
*shatter*
FLASH
*shatter*
FLASH
"And he hasn't taken another shot at me since that one time. I think I'm getting pretty good at moving quietly. He doesn't even know I'm there if I move with him and get behind the pillar at 17 seconds."
*shatter*
FLASH
Angie pauses. "Can we take a break from scheming and just hold hands again?"
I bite my lip, then quickly nod.
*shatter*
FLASH
Angie strides straight into the kitchen, and I hear the drawer with all the steak knives in it go clattering. Three seconds! Not bad. Our latest plan is to scream "OBEY OR DIE" at the robber and then stab him. The idea is, if we do this enough times, he might start remembering, too. Once he realizes he is also trapped in this time loop, we can bring more people and resources into finding a solution.
"I'm sorry," Angie says, as she stumbles into the room. Both wrists are bleeding as she sits down with me to die. "This was easier. And I don't want to bring *him* into this. This is just for us." I try to lunge for the lamp, but I lack the strength by this point. Angie always was clever like that.
"You stupid bitch," I moan, tears running down my cheeks. But she's determined. There is no baiting her. I stop trying to fight it, and lay my head in her lap, suddenly at peace.
…..
*shatter*
FLASH
(Okay, that went on way longer than I expected it to, but you get the idea.)
Well,
"Why do you have to be so fucking stubborn!?" I shout as I hurl the lamp to the floor.
Every line in the tale serves a purpose. That purpose is not to have them get angry at each other, because if they get mad they're just going to forget the other guy and leave.
As for the rest of that section, the author is going for emotional impact. This seems to have sailed clear over this rewrite, which has none. Notice the complete lack of dialogue in the original article. If you've never read The Road, I suggest you check it out. You don't need dialogue to get a message across.
"Haaah-aaahss… thissssss!" Angie gurgles.
What purpose does this even serve? They can't talk on the ground, they're mostly dead. Stomach wounds are one of the most painful ways to die. You get acid all over your insides, which is kind of extremely painful and kills you pretty fast. That scene fom LOTR where Boromir gets stabbed in the gut and then has a nice little chat about his king? His insides are being dissolved by stomach acid for the whole thing. He would've been lucky to get off three words and a lot of screaming.
But Angie is laughing and I can't help but break into a grin through my spasms.
Except that this focuses on tragedy. Which involves, you know, making the reader sad. He's not singing about the ritz, he's watching his wife die the tail end of a painful death. "Haha honey oh my god I love the way you sing like you're choking on your own blood while laying on the floor dying, oh teehee" no. Painful death. Burning agony. The light dimming in his eyes as her husband leaves her alone forever after their house is robbed. No ritz.
The assailant's scream is music to our ears
I'm getting tired of saying this. There's no giggling teehee happiness. The robber is already gone. There's just the two of them, and the question of who's going to let the other one die.
the ending
No. Dear lord almighty no.
Okay so, like, they love each other, okay? Like, enough to say that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. That's kind of a lot. And that's been working out pretty well for a lot of years. So, like, if there is still any chance at all that they can save the other one, you're going to do it over and over until they give up. They're not ever going to leave or interact or anything because what if they get shot by the robber? They're not immortal. What if they walk out the front door and just get shot in the face?
The tale as it is works great. It gets across the message it wants to, and it does it well. This is a bad interpretation with angsty teenagers who're too hip to take death seriously, and they just grab life by the horns. Who cares about other people? Not these guys, because having your 'significant other' dying a few feet away is just a totally radical way to have fun with immortality, right? No.
The transition from laughingly smashing in the face of the robber to slitting your wrists is kind of jarring. Not in a good way.
In short, I prefer the version that's up now.
While I do prefer the actual tale, and agree with most of your critiques of this sequels execution, I think Warp has some valid points.
1) Poetic sentiment aside, it is humanly impossible to be this committed to another person. Dying for a loved one? Yes. Willfully suffering for a loved one? All the time. Making a conscious decision every few seconds to die in one of the most painful ways possible over and over again for eternity? No way. At some point, one of them will decide that it's better for one to survive than both to stay in hell. They'll feel guilty about it later, but that won't stop them from stepping back from the lamp in that critical moment. I just think the story stops before they get to that point.
2) There is no level of pain that people won't adapt to eventually. Hurt someone often enough and it becomes just another thing they tune out, like the sound of traffic when you live next to a busy highway. I assume it's even easier to become accustomed when it is literally the exact same pain every time. Not to say that they would have the physical capacity or time to do the things Warp writes about, but they would eventually get to a mental state where they could think and plan and even have conversations/arguements with each side speaking during their turn being uninjured.
I'd like people to read this, rate it, and comment on it. I think it should get more attention.
if your reading this your gay
/forum/t-202660/loop#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
