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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-2919.
Overall I enjoyed it, and I'm giving a tentative +1.
That being said there are a couple of syntax and formatting problems, the address of which would greatly improve the article.
SCP-2919-1 instances have posts, which are positions they stay at at each entrance to SCP-2919
The "at at" here is a bit hard on the eyes. A change in wording would be nice.
On █/██/████ at 10:54 am, an SCP-2919-1 instance (named SCP-2919-1V for the the autopsy log) proceeded to spasm and collapsed.
Along with "the" being doubled here, "proceeded to spasm and collapsed" is in two separate verb tenses and reads poorly. Something along the lines of "began to spasm and subsequently collapsed" might be better.
Lastly, document 2919-2. I assume it's intended to be read as though it's starting from the middle of a sentence, with only part of the document being visible/recoverable. Something should likely be done to make that clear, whether through a pretext or some sort of indicator before the document itself.
Again, overall I quite enjoyed it. It reads a bit coarse with regards to the grammatical errors and structure, and likely could have used another proofread or three, but still very much enjoyable.
Thanks for pointing out the errors! BTW, in the article it says this regarding the second document:
"A majority of the second document is missing, due to it being obstructed by the first document when seen."
I could move this to the top of second document, if it is easy to miss.
Somehow managed to completely pass that by!
I think moving it to immediately preceding the document would be prudent.
Not really feeling it from this article.
The presentation here feels as though I should be wowed by the alternate history, but I'm not so wowed. It vaguely involves Mekhane, but feels tacked on and has little place in the article. The alternate Cold War or surviving Kalmar Union is relatively mundane and not fully explored. Perhaps it is me who engrosses in tons of alternate history stuff on deviantart that this feels comparably mundane.
When I was writing this I wasn't entirely sure whether to go all out with the alternate universe, or keep semi-realistic, so I went for a point in-between. I do understand where you are coming from. If you have any suggestions feel free to tell me.
Seconding MrWrong, I also want to point we already have another skip from an alternate universe cold war (SCP-2412), it also has a whole supplement dedicated to explain the alternate reality in good detail, so the third recovered document here fells flat compared to that.
tmw you write an alternate universe cold war scp and somebody does it better
Okay, I'm going to get to work on A) explaining this alternate universe more and B) making it a bit crazier. Note that the only part I'm not going to be explaining is the lost Greenland. I'm leaving that part intentionally ambiguous. Also, due to the nature of this SCP, I'm not going to be able to explain it as clearly as SCP-2412. I will try to add some more details in the recovered documents, though.
Thanks for telling me about this.
I agree that this one can't be laid out in much more detail, as the only things that survived translation into Foundation reality are the units with the helmets. Unless KU2 survived transit as well, and somehow the Foundation establishes contact? (That might be best explored in a Tale, though…)
Okay, I've added some more notes and documents to help expand/explain the alternate universe. Hopefully this helps.
EDIT: Fixed some grammar errors in the article, and changed some wording.
I'm a fan, but one minor quibble: in the exploration log, "shades" referring to eyewear is slangy—"sunglasses" or "dark glasses" may be more clinical.
Some issues I had:
for new changes in behavior
This might just be me, but I feel 'new' is implied, and isn't needed ('any' would be a better fit).
No personnel are allowed to interact with SCP-2919-1 instances without permission from Level 3-2919 clearance personnel.
This reads clunky. I'd rework it a bit:
| Interaction with SCP-2919-1 instances must be approved by personnel with Level 3-2919 clearance. |
Due to the limited spatial control of SCP-2919-1 instances, it is unlikely for any major distortions to occur. If one occurs,
This is a bit too direct an exposition on what your object is/does, which belongs in the next section. You can lose this, and get on with things.
One part of SCP-2919 has a mural painted on the eastern facing wall of what is presumed to be the main entrance to SCP-2919.
Also quite clunky:
| A black and white mural has been painted on the Eastern wall, to the right of what is presumed to be the facility's main entrance. |
The mural is 5m x 10m, and features black and white depictions of an unknown person, presumably of authority, in the middle. Scientists and engineers are on the left side, and instances of SCP-2919-1 are on the right.
This starts a bit vague and lapses into seemingly presumptuousness. I suggest something closer to:
| The mural depicts an authoritarian figure in its center. Men and women believed to represent scientists and engineers are on the left side, and instances of SCP-2919-1 are on the right. |
was in in use
Needs fixin'.
helmet that extends to cover the shoulders, upper chest, and the head
Cut 'and the head'. If it is a helmet that extends to cover the chest, it is a safe assumption that the head is also covered. It's like saying: 'I wear a shoe that covers my ankle, my calf, and my foot.'
SCP-2919-1 instances have posts, which are positions they stay at in each entrance to SCP-2919. When nobody is attempting to enter SCP-2919, instances will sit or stand at their posts. Every 6 hours SCP-2919-1 instances will leave their post and enter SCP-2919, with other SCP-2919-1 instances leaving SCP-2919 and replacing them at their post.
The first sentence here absolutely should go. Something as basic as a post shouldn't need to be explained in such detail, as if we're unfamiliar with the concept.
| SCP-2919-1 instances will stand in pairs at each entrance to SCP-2919, and prohibit entry. Instances will rotate in six hour shifts, and are relieved by SCP-2919-1 from within the facility. |
actively prevent humans from entering SCP-2919 via the use of verbal commands
I don't think you mean to say this. This reads like they can simply compel people to leave. 'actively prevent…via verbal commands'
terminating in the use
I think you mean 'culminating'.
from ████████ News Agency
Lazy redaction. There's no reason to hide this.
The electric hum ceases. No further audio distortions occurred.
The second bit here is redundant.
Cutting it off here for now.
Looking through comments it seems you've altered this a decent amount. While I didn't get the chance to read it the way it was first posted, I think as you said "making it a bit crazier." was a good way to go.
The world building here is just, wow. A whole bunch of wow! There's enough information here to give me a good enough understanding of the world the scip comes from, but there's plenty left to the imagination. I can't speak for anyone else, but for me you've got the Goldilocks amount of information here. If I haven't made my point already, I think where this article shines is the world building. It feels like the scip came from a real living world that exists beyond just what we see here, and that's a special kind of special for me.
I'd love to know more about this scip, and the world it comes from. I feel like it could make an excellent tale, and hope to see one soon!
About what this post originally looked like, it was fairly similar except for only the first three recovered, documents. It also lacked some details and information on the map that I've added in post. It's good to hear that I managed to do well with the worldbuilding! I felt like that would be one of the backbones of an otherwise semi-cliche SCP, so I decided to make that a major focus. About the possibility of a tale, I have a quite a few ideas. However, there is nothing concrete yet, so don't expect anything soon.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Just reading this after all the new editions, and it's still not coming together for me.
One thing is, it isn't just 2412. Skips spilling in from alternate universe cold or global wars are incredibly common: SCP-2195, SCP-2120, SCP-2273, and SCP-1917/SCP-2117 all come from worlds equally or massively weirder than this one, and are tied to much weirder anomalies.
I'm not saying your universe or anomaly aren't interesting, but you're relying on some other basic tropes (it's a spooky factory in Eastern-ish Europe, gravity distortion isn't much more than a flawed superpower here) and there's a whole lot of page length that isn't doing anything for you at all. Now that you've added the documents that could add some flavor to it, you should really look at cutting the fat.
Edit: Added a collapsible.
The image made me think it was gonna be another Factory skip. A picture of a -1 helmet would be way better, but I understand the limitations.
The entire interview log added basically nothing that wasn't already indicated in text. The description and autopsy contain a lot of detail that could be trimmed down in order to get to the exploration and documents sooner.
There was some good body horror in the exploration, but it would've been more effective if I hadn't had to read so much filler first. I also felt like you were trying to indicate something in the spelled-out organs that could have been interesting, but it wasn't successfully explained or tied into anything else in the article.
The documents, once you get down to them, are fairly neat. Mundane compared to some other worlds, but I only say that to let you know you don't have to hold back. Here's more examples of conservation of narrative: First, there's nothing you say later about America and communists that wasn't already told better by that one poster. Second, you take the time to spell out every region on the map instead of keeping it to what differences are interesting to the specific narrative or to the reader, i.e. whatever screwy global war led them to build this place and what mekhane has to do with it. The latter documents naming all the American countries doubles down on this unnecessary detail.
I also feel the bit about flipping sides to ally with the communists… just felt like a 1984 rip-off out of context, and kind of took the tension out of a world where the Scandinavians destroyed the US and are at global war with Russia (with the CotBG also in the mix somehow.) It's fine if you had some reasoning/plot behind it, but I don't think you successfully explained that political change, and the story suffers.
Anyhow, here's my overall point: weird SCP weapons coming over from horrible wars are pretty common, and the objects themselves help tell the story of the weird and different world they came from. SCP-2195 comes from a world whose government will go to incomprehensibly horrific lengths to maintain support for their war. SCP-2117 wages war with technology bizarely superior to our own. SCP-2120 cranks out superscience like we do cat videos.
Your anomaly is decent, with some good weird imagery and body horror. Your alternate history has potential, especially when you're making cool visual statements with it. But these elements have to work together to tell a story, and right now there's too much filler on both ends.
Withholding my vote for now.
This is interesting, as others have said the alternate history stuff has some potential but it doesn't seem to be fully realized here. A lot of the imagery is good, though, and I was kept interested until the end. Neutral voted.
E: Reading it again later, the edits make it work for me. +1
Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!
I've added some extra stuff onto the SCP (another newspaper clipping, condensed notes, and some extra notes on the board). Hopefully this helps explain some stuff improve the universe. If anyone else has anything to recommend, be sure to tell me.
/forum/t-1925143/scp-2919#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
