Budget Cuts / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Budget Cuts.

Author Post

Hercules Rockefeller 22 Sep 2016 04:42

So I originally wrote this as an entry for the D-class contest, but alas, twasn’t meant to be.

My undying gratitude to MrWrong, Eta Carinae, Erazm and El Jimeiro for some excellent feedback, as well as to Dexanote for providing feedback and answering my contest-related questions.

+ Spoilers

I was tempted to call this Soylent D, but that would have spoiled the whole ending for those who got that reference. Hence, Budget Cuts.

Last edited on 22 Sep 2016 09:22 by Hercules Rockefeller Show more

Taffeta 22 Sep 2016 05:06

I have a modest proposal to make.

+1

MrWrong 22 Sep 2016 05:33

As if the immorality of the Foundation cannot sink even further, Tales like this have to exist…

Last edited on 22 Sep 2016 06:06 by MrWrong Show more

Sirens 22 Sep 2016 05:35

When it all started to sink in, I couldn't help but cringe. For that and the total lack of morality, +1.

psul 22 Sep 2016 08:42

I'm a fan of the concept, and much prefer it to many of the contest entries - there's a kernel of nastiness which feels so right.

That said, I realised quite quickly where this was going (when each of the first three speeches refers to a particular type of action, Chekov's gun starts to apply). As such, I found the last few lines very clunky and obvious, which undermined the dry tone.

I was all set to downvote, when I finally got hit by the pun in the title. That was sufficiently subtle for my tastes, and worth upvoting.

Hercules Rockefeller 22 Sep 2016 09:03

Yeah, the ending was initially a lot more subtle, relying wholly on the Chekov's gun to drive the point home, and ending with the sentence "Well, at least the food's still decent". I preferred that version TBH, but was told it was too subtle, so I changed it. It was hard striking the right balance, but this is the version that received the best reaction in the forums. Your comment is making me consider changing the ending again, though… maybe just ending with "at least meat's back on the menu"?

Glad you still liked parts of it, in any case - including the title. :)

EDIT: Fuck it, I changed it. YOLO. Hopefully this is better now. The word "meat" in the last line should be enough for people to get what's going on, I think.

Last edited on 22 Sep 2016 09:53 by Hercules Rockefeller Show more

psul 26 Sep 2016 11:44

I like the new ending *much* better - I think this definitely a less-is-more situation. As to your PM question about the opening, I think it's fine to leave as is - it's a delicate balance to strike between being too obvious for some or too obscure for others, and it seems to be working at the moment.

I can't do anything to change the numbers, but know that my upvote has gone from tentative to solid :)

Hercules Rockefeller 26 Sep 2016 12:16

Hey, thanks psul, glad you like it better!

Also, I did end up changing the opening somewhat, a few days back. Hopefully the twist isn't as obvious as before, but still obvious enough. Like you say, it's a delicate balance, and I didn't want to risk upsetting it, so the changes were minimal.

Last edited on 26 Sep 2016 12:21 by Hercules Rockefeller Show more

TL333s 22 Sep 2016 22:04

I actually didn't see it coming. Which is to say, I thought all the references to what they were eating were meant to contrast with the budget cuts. I.e., they're going from living like kings to living like the still-well-to-do. And then soylent meat was D-Class and I'm just not sure what to take from that.

Eta Carinae 22 Sep 2016 12:59

Oh shit damn fuck, I upvoted before realising you'd changed the end.
And I cannot upvote again.
Shit. Life's too hard.

Excellent job, Herc! I do agree with Psul on this:

I'm a fan of the concept, and much prefer it to many of the contest entries - there's a kernel of nastiness which feels so right.

and also with (SPOILER)

+ show block

I realised quite quickly where this was going (when each of the first three speeches refers to a particular type of action, Chekov's gun starts to apply).

The first time I read it, I went: "Oh. Steak, lasagna, meatballs. Mmmmmmh….!"

Never mind. I liked both endings, and I love subtle writing!

Ambiguous Anti 22 Sep 2016 15:54

I bet that tastes Deelicious.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Last edited on 22 Sep 2016 15:56 by Ambiguous Anti Show more

Eta Carinae 26 Sep 2016 14:09

Hey Herc, did you get rid of the lasagna and meatballs?

(before you start freaking out: yes, it still works fine!)

Hercules Rockefeller 29 Sep 2016 10:31

Yep, took 'em out to make things a little less obvious - glad you think it still works! :)

927VVG 18 Mar 2021 06:24

This deserves to be way more popular than it is. It's clever in a way that not many articles on this site are and it doesn't waste any time getting to where it needs to go. Enthusiastic +1

Vizlox 07 Apr 2021 13:37

The ending was way too subtle for me. After reading the author post with the explanation, my response wasn't "ohhhh, I see." It was "how was I supposed to know that?"

After reading the discussion thread, I looked in the page history and read the original ending, and I agree it's way way way too obvious.

Comedy is subjective though and I don't have any objective quality issues with the tale. Maybe I'm alone and most people get the joke, or maybe most people who like the new ending only like it because they read the original and knew what the joke was.