Banshee (Creepypasta Con, ~2.4k words)
https://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/tallshrimp-creepy
A short idea for Creepypasta Con. Does the writing style feel natural? Is the pacing too quick? Is it creepy?
Banshee (Creepypasta Con, ~2.4k words)
Forum
» Writing Help / Help: Drafts Critique
» Banshee (Creepypasta Con, ~2.4k words)
Summary:
We were told to never go into Two Tree Forest during the winter.
Was intrigued with this concept. It may have used a few common tropes, especially at the start to set up the story, but I can't say I wasn't interested.
The thing that sticks out to me here is that I we come full circle, but during that rotation we don't venture much. It feels somewhat… anticlimactic. This piece is relatively straight forward in its execution and what happens. The part that is supposed to carry the buildup (the encounter with the stag) basically just happens. Not only that, I do really feel there could be more buildup. The parts where we're just walking honestly the lacks the tension they strive to give off, weakening this climax for me.
Also on the climax, I'm not really versed in Banshees and Irish mythology at all, but I'm honestly confused about whatever even happened here. The thing comes around, uses the kid's voice, and seems agitated for whatever reason. Why should this matter? What was really happening to it? I'm honestly left with some confusion.
1. In terms of writing style, it's not outstanding to me, but it does feel natural. I'm not really into prose, so I hardly ever work with it. But what you have here is alright.
2. I don't have much to say on pacing the here. I'd say it's alright. If needing more tension meant pacing, then perhaps. But overall no real thoughts.
3. N/A
Thank you for your critique. I’ll definitely do what I can about improving the tension. As for the climax, it is meant to be a little open-ended, but I’ll see what I can do about reducing confusion. Any suggestions on these fronts?
I think the biggest part of all of this, especially in the tension, is the narration. Because right now, the narration feels a bit casual? When recalling such an event, I feel the effect of the incident should be a little more present on the narrator. There's no real good way for me to describe it. So I'll give off this line-by-line critique.
The whole town made a big thing of it
This line is worded a little weirdly for me. Not only that, I think this already downplays whatever's gonna happening. You could make this something like "The whole town made a fuss about it." for some better wording, but even then may downplay it.
We were never told why. Not really.
Not really is extraneous. It doesn't really add anything and makes this more casual. Which it is casual, but I believe you would be aiming for a serious tone.
The only real thing we knew was that people would go missing sometimes. Always during the winter.
When you're trying to make this sound more menacing by adding stuff like this in the next sentence, it feels more like you're trying to make this more menacing in a way you would when you're telling stories around a campfire.1 In my book, a creepypasta is basically like a personal recount of a "creepy" experience. Make it feel personal. Like it really happened to them.
Example: The only thing we really knew was that people would sometimes go missing in the winter.
but you grow up with it and never think to look too far into it. Why would you?
Bit bothered. Unsure what this means.
And I just knew.
Small suggestion for your tastes. But the position of this is a bit awkward for me reading. I suggest putting at the end of this paragraph or the last paragraph so it gives more "oomph". It got me a bit to realise it was meaning the narrator knew what happened to their friend rather than they knew their friend were talking; even despite the full stop.
So, same meaning if implemented. But better positioning for being clearer and possibly making it more powerful.
No one was doing anything about it. Nothing real.
Basically the same as the other critique I made a bit before. Also having this in with the other one would be a little repetitive.
It felt kind of pointless.
This sentence kinda buds in and amps this paragraph down. If you removed this and went straight onto the self questions, the paragraph feel more connected as this little part isn't adding so much.
I glanced around and didn't see much else nearby, but I had to be in the right place, surely.
It looks like you're branching off from "recounting the moment" into "living the moment" here. I suggest changing this sentence to fit the former so it nests properly.
Not too far, but it was a direction.
This sentence doesn't really add much, if not anything. I don't get what this is supposed to tell us and spends our time keeping our tension and walking to the climax to waver. Not only that "but it was a direction." is not honestly a good look here and doesn't make a good tone.
, but it was just the wind.
Paired with the fact this is a recount and not the character actually in the moment, this just looks strange. We know it's just wind; they told us.
More of gap in the forest than anything with the snow piled up around it like a bowl.
Strange wording for me here. Is this put right?
Alright, I'm stopping here. These are just a few examples I pointed out so you can use them as reference. Again, I feel the tone could be more personal to the story. And at times, not all the time, you have small sentences and little bits that don't really add and use up our tension.
If you'd like any further critique. I'd be happy to look again!
Footnotes
1. Other parts do this, but this one sticks out
The casual tone was meant to add a bit to the strangeness and weird vibe, but I can definitely see how it affects the tension. Thank you for the in-depth critique. You’ve given me a good framework to tweak the draft to.
/forum/t-18350571/banshee-creepypasta-con-2-4k-words#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06