Big thanks to Sudypt, Absurdemest, and Psul for their helpful feedback.
SCP-2355 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-2355.
"Parents are to be provided with a replacement infant of appropriate age and appearance."
My eyes widened, and I was scared and anticipating the rest of the story.
Overall, excellent writing. Very high quality.
"(a subject born on ██-██-2016, for example, will recall their tenth birthday as having occurred on ██-██-2008)" - Are the black boxes really appropriate? It's an example date, it contains no information that should be concealed from the reader.
Thanks for the kind words!
I figured the date could be done either way, and given the complete lack of any DATA EXPUNGED in the piece I was just really in the mood to redact something :-D
I really wish that this uncle figure did something other than kill you. That's so desperately Series I-ish boring. I was enjoying this article until then — aside from the teen going on about cheese, in a slightly-too-silly fashion.
Provisional downvote.
Agreeing with this. I find the premise to be highly intriguing and it did a good enough job of keeping me reading until the end. I think just changing the last bit to be something other than killing would be enough to earn an upvote from me. Just making it a tad more ambiguous or providing something a bit more original than murder.
Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!
Well the idea was that, even with his weird powers and way of doing things, Jack isn't exactly sophisticated. I've changed it to something hopefully a bit more imaginative but still pretty brutal.
Agreed, I think just leaving out that bit about the threat would make it so much better.
The only constant variable in description has been the age of 'Uncle Jack.'
Like, at least seventy
He was…fifty, or so, I think.
This threw me in a loop, as it reads that the age is a variable that's constant rather than age constantly varies.
Also, what's important is that the age doesn't merely vary, but decreases.
Neutral vote because the story was going somewhere but the end doesn't interest me, so he's a life force vampire supervillain.
Minor edit changing 'constant' to 'significant,' hopefully that's clearer.
The 'kill you' line dragged it down a bit for me, though I liked the anomaly enough for an upvote. The latest revision made that aspect that bugged me earlier even worse. -1
Well, I'm getting an overall definite feel that the last couple of lines aren't working. Let's take those out and leave it with 'not sure what's going to happen but whoever this guy is, he's pissed off.'
Damn… you know before, when you had the 'yeah, he said he's going to kill you.' line, I actually thought it made a pretty effective ending. It's pretty cliche, but it worked.
Now it just gets deflated once you get to the finish. The fact that it ends on an 'I see' and not the ominous quote from the kid does a lot to suck the drama out of it.
I know I'm going counter to the current opinion, so maybe I should just shut my mouth, but I still find myself disliking it compared to the earlier version. I didn't find much in the concept to begin with… it was the Uncle Jack part and the ending that saved it in my eyes, but that's gone now.
I read it again when I woke up this morning and I have to concur, I cut it in the wrong place. Tried something a little punchier this time.
Hopefully no one helped his uncle jack off his horse.
I mean, helped his Uncle Jack off his horse.
Uncle Jack… reminds me of the British guy who takes young peoples youth and turns younger.
Overall this was a good read, quite creative, good use of tension. But there's one thing I don't quite understand. At the end it says the object class was changed to Euclid… umm… why wasn't it Euclid before? Up until this point it did not seem like a safe class SCP.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
