Hello! As a pretty big fan of probability-based and particularly dice-based anomalies, this definitely piqued my interest.
DISCLAIMER: I'm certainly unqualified to really be giving writing critique. Take everything here with many grains of salt.
To answer your first questioned, I liked it! It was pretty funny and had a lot going for it, though I think there were a few issues that prevented me from fully enjoying it, with the most notable being that this just pushed my suspension of disbelief too far. There were several points reading this where I felt that something really just didn't feel like a realistic thing to have in a serious clinical document. I generally don't like saying that something "feels like a joke article" just because it's comedy, but I do feel that it goes over that line. The last manifestation log comes to mind, since I really have a hard time believing that "dice hell" and "'The Seven Dicely Sins" would just be glossed over as normal things not requiring further explanation. Once again, I do definitely like these jokes, and got a pretty good laugh out of them. I just think they feel a bit out of place in an official Foundation document. There are several other times where this happens, which I've tried to mention in the line-by-line.
On question two, I don't think any of the manifestation logs are bad, but a few could use some work. I've already mentioned that the last one is a little bit unbelievable, but additionally I do think that the second-to-last one feels out of place. I may be unaware of something, but on it's own "The Chaz" being an uncool name doesn't really do it for me. I think the most compelling thing here is the idea of an inanimate object realizing that the only unique aspect of it's existence kind of sucks, but I feel that this wasn't elaborated on enough to truly stand out, and there were several other issues with the logic of it. I think the core concept is good, but I the execution could use a bit of tweaking. Other than that, all of them are for the most part pretty solid as is.
With the pacing, I do feel like you go through a lot of these very quickly, and I personally feel like they could use a bit more room to breathe. There are a lot of different concepts at play towards the end that aren't really elaborated on enough, and I feel like giving each log some more space to play with could help with that.
On the whole, I do genuinely quite enjoy this. It is consistently pretty funny, and the concept is certainly enjoyable. I'm definitely looking forward to see where this is going.
Due to the wide amount of triggers
“potential triggers” may make more sense here.
SCP-XXXX is a phenomenon in which anomalous dice placed in any container referred to as “dice jail” will undergo a change in its anomalous effect.
I feel like the wording here could be a bit better. “Anomalous dice” feels a bit vague, and while it is clarified in the test log that you quite literally just mean and die possessing anomalous properties, it did trip me up a bit at first. That could very well just be on me though - I could have skipped a word or two on initial reading.
dice prison
bones lockup
rolling stone place of imprisonment
plastic cube detention facility
luck implement oubliette
I really like this. The foreshadowing here is great. Each bullet progresses into absurdity one step further than the last, as does the coming logs. Also, the thought of a bunch of researchers trying to come up with synonyms for “dice jail” to see how far they can push it is pretty funny.
Initial Anomaly: A twenty-sided die that is abnormally loud when rolled.
Final Anomaly: A twenty-sided die capable of speech.
The change in anomalous ability makes a lot of sense here.
This whole section is really well written. Eases the reader into the concept quite well.
Personnel nearby described the scream as “the sound of a thousand dice rolling in pain.”
The wordplay here is clever, but even for a more absurd article the idea that several witnesses came up with the same joke sort of suspends my disbelief, considering no one actually knows what a dice rolling in pain would sound like.
Initial Anomaly: A twenty-sided die capable of speech.
Final Anomaly: A twenty-sided die that only lands on 1.
I feel this change doesn’t really make much sense. I feel that the final anomaly could be changed to something that fits more in line with the initial without really changing the final joke too much.
has been the cause of thirty-two personnel being committed to the psychiatric unit. Excessive rolling of the anomaly has
Both instances of “has” here should be replaced with “had”
It is believed that SCP-XXXX has caused Larry to reconsider its name
Would that not be a mundane effect? Sure, a change occurred, but it was one made because the die itself decided to change it. It may have made the die have a shift in perspective, though the actual change of the name seems to have been an indirect consequence of SCP-XXXX. Also, I feel like it’s a bit presumptuous to assume that a name change was the result of a cognitive decision of an object not otherwise stated to have sentience.
An objective anomalous measurement of how “cool” something is, with a previous theoretical minimum of 0.
I find this funny, but a bit out of place. An anomalous system of measurement for coolness is interesting on its own, but in this context and without further elaboration it seems a bit strange.
Absolutely no pressure to read through it or anything if you don't want to, but I do have a draft in the works. It's around five-hundred words, and about forests. Kind of. Feel free to take a look and share you're thoughts if you'd like. Thanks if you do end up getting a chance to check it out, and no worries if not.
Link
