The Man Who Never Was (Tale, 1.1k words)

Summary:

SCP-1467 (The Man Who Wasn’t) finally gets forgotten. Will he die, or will he become something else?

The Man Who Never Was (Tale, 1.1k words)

TopHatBionicle 12 Sep 2023 01:38

After reading the original Lord Dunsany story “The King Who Was Not”, I thought it would be interesting to imagine what would happen to SCP-1467 (Who disappears more the more people forget him) when he finally fades into nothingness.

Edit: Updated to third draft, with second in another tab.

Link to my Sandbox where the tale is written.

SCP-1467 for reference.

Thank you ver much!
-THB

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-T.H.B.

Last edited on 05 Oct 2023 01:08 by TopHatBionicle Show more

Re: The Man Who Never Was (Tale, 1.1k words)

ParallelPotatoes 17 Sep 2023 20:42

Hiya!

crit

I really like this. I think the repetition of "I am Mr Smith" works well with the pacing, being a good segment to separate the different lines of text. However, I think it would help you to diverge a bit more from the repetition near the end.

Mr. Smith closed his eyes.

Mr. Smith does not exist.

Mr. Smith never existed

While this is a good divergence from the repetition, I think it would hit a little bit harder if at some point during these three lines you switched from referring to him as "Mr Smith" to referring to him as "the mumbling man" or something similar. By changing the repetition of his name, it helps emotionally convey to the reader that he is losing his identity. Additionally, I think that these three lines make a good ending stinger. You mentioned in a footnote that you might end the story there, and I think that would be a good idea, as adding things after it dulls the emotional sting if that makes sense.

Re: The Man Who Never Was (Tale, 1.1k words)

TopHatBionicle 21 Sep 2023 00:20

Yeah, the more I reread it, the less what I wrote after that makes sense. It was meant to imply a few different anomallies that his body, mind, and soul turn into (because I can help trying to cram in as many referrences as possible), but those might just have to go.

I love the idea of calling him Mr. Smith until he himself forgets, I will definitely do that for draft 3!

Thank you much!
-THB

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-T.H.B.