Shame - SCP Article
I think this one will be a bit better if you go in blind.
That's about all for now. Thanks for the help!
Thanks to everyone who took a look!
Shame - SCP Article
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» Shame - SCP Article
Summary:
Roughly five-hundred words.
I like this, but I think you tip your hand too early. You pretty much give it away with:
SCP-XXXX is the occasional manifestation of a non-physical forest ecosystem in previously forested areas.
With the detail that the anomaly appears in previously forested areas, you've already told the reader that this is a commentary on deforestation. As a result, the last line is a twist, but the added context doesn't really reveal anything or change the meaning.
Even if you don't allude to this taking place in previously forested areas the reader is probably going to figure out the symbolism before the last line, but I feel like that way it would at least feel more like a thematic conclusion tying everything together.
To answer your questions:
What I Need Help On: Pacing - Does the build up feel natural? Is the story revealed quickly enough as to not overstay it's welcome? Is it too quick as to not allow for a true sense of meaning to develop? Should I tell more? Less?
I don't know that I'd call this a story as much as I'd call it a snapshot, but as a result it doesn't need that much room to do its thing effectively. You're building on a single symbolic image. As long as that image works, you're good.
Concept - Is the core of the article good enough as to justify such a short length? What should be changed?
I don't think you need to justify an article being short. A good article is as long as it needs to be. This article only needs to be around 500 words.
Foundation - Does the lack of Foundation action come off as intentional? Is their lack of care for the situation shown in the subtext? Should it come off as intentional?
The Foundation's actions don't really stand out to me. They're doing what's in their power, which isn't much, but what better solution is there?
Foundation - Does the lack of Foundation action come off as intentional? Is their lack of care for the situation shown in the subtext? Should it come off as intentional?
I think so, yes.
SpAG/Other - Any mistakes or other possible changes you've noticed?
Just one question: Why is the forest illusory? If it's just going to disintegrate whenever someone tries to interact with it, why not just let it appear fully real until that moment? I get that it's meant to be a ghost, but I feel like the image of it disintegrating will mean more to the reader if it hasn't already been explained that the forest is a phantom.
But yeah, overall I like the shape of it and I look forward to seeing where it goes.
Hey! Thank you so much for all of this, It has been very helpful when it comes to revising.
I've just changed "-in previously forested areas" to "-where one would not otherwise exist" and have similarly replaced all other references to a "previous forest" with general mentions of regional flora and fauna. I've also placed a line similar to the initial spoiler-esc part of the descriptions towards the end of the last paragraph, so that by the end it's still clear that these aren't just representations of deforestation; they are also quite literally the dead versions of specific, individual forests.
When it comes to the "story" I was referring to earlier, I guess I sort of meant the reveal of the full picture here, but I think the "single symbolic image" is a much more poignant way to convey what I was going for. I'd have to agree that this isn't really a story; it's more of a snapshot of something indicative of something much larger. I'd similarly agree on the fact that works don't need to earn their length. That was definitely poorly phrased on my part, and I can't really disagree with anything you said there.
The way I sort of wanted to convey the Foundation's inactivity was with the "no further actions deemed necessary" line in the conprocs as well as the "source remains unknown" line at the end. I was sort of hoping that it would come across that they probably do get what is going on but are intentionally sort of ignoring it, and willingly deciding to just treat the symptom of the anomaly, when they realistically have the resources to deal with climate change. I do definitely realize now after explaining it that that takes a lot of extrapolation that might be difficult to realize with the very limited context.
The main purpose of making the forest translucent and non-physical was to sort of represent just how distant it is to the viewers. It's almost dreamlike, as the idea of a forest becomes more and more foreign to them, so in turn does the way that they see it. Something unreal, and mystical, in a world of deserts and heatwaves. It also was meant to juxtapose the gravestone, it being the only thing grounded in reality now that the forest is gone. I definitely see what you are saying though about the impact of the forest's disappearance, and am currently debating whether or not I should cut out the illusory bit altogether to further the emotional resonance.
Once again, I'd like to thank you for all of this, it has certainly been incredibly helpful in not just revising but also really thinking about what I want to say with the article. Be free to let me know if you ever need any help with crit on an article you're working on; I'd be more than happy to help.
Regarding the Foundation's indifference aspect, I don't think that really stands out, for a couple of reasons.
- The article isn't set at a moment where action must be taken and the fate of the world hangs in the balance. The article is set after the world has already had the opportunity to prevent the crisis and failed. Since there isn't any suggestion that investigating the anomaly deeper will have any benefit, the Foundation's decision not to do so doesn't really stand out.
- Covering up the signs of an anomaly rather than trying to solve its underlying root cause is pretty consistent with how the Foundation usually operates. Beyond that, the Foundation doesn't usually get involved in humanitarian work or geopolitics to begin with. Climate change is up there with war, disease and world hunger as a problem that implicitly exists in most SCP stories, but that the Foundation doesn't get involved in.
You could tell a story in which climate change is presented as something that the Foundation is forced to confront, or has the opportunity to get involved with, but I don't think that's the story of this article. I also don't think it wants to be the story of this article. A lot of short, speculative articles hint at a future and invite the reader to speculate on how we got there. This article doesn't need to say much to allow the reader to fill in the blanks, since it's a future that's already too familiar. We all know how we got there, because we're already there.
Yeah, I think I agree with all of this. I often fear that my shorter works are to barebones and don't say enough and as a result of that I feel a sort of need to fit more in to the story than I should. I feel pretty confident now to say that it isn't saying too little. Sure, it can definitely be improved and I'm gonna try getting lots of eyes on it to make sure it's as good as it can be, but I think I don't need to try working another narrative into it.
Hello! I'll be doing line by line as I go, and then overview crit at the end
manifestation points for any signs of an SCP-XXXX instance.
I think this would read better if it was "manifestation points for signs of SCP-XXXX instances"
primarily of Class H and Class B amnestics
Is the distinction between the two types of amnestics important to the story you are trying to tell? If not, I would recommend just using one type to make it a little more concise.
No further actions are at this time deemed necessary.
No further actions are deemed necessary at this time.
withered flower, native to the region
There doesn't need to be a comma here.
extreme temperatures, or other environmental factors.
There doesn't need to be a comma here.
Overall, I liked this article. I think it builds up at just the right pace to pull off the stinger that it's the ghost of rainforests. I think the concept itself is good enough to justify its short length, and Id argue a longer length wouldn't do the concept justice unless you did a significant overall. As for lack of Foundation action, I'll be honest and say that I didn't notice the lack of Foundation action until you pointed it out in your post. I think it works without that being obvious though. As for tone, I can't say I got a sense of dread from it, but Im not the best at tone. Id say as I was reading through the description I considered the tone was one of mystery as I was trying to figure out what the anomaly was a ghost of. Once it was revealed it was the ghost of rainforests, it recontextualized the tone in my head to one of sadness.
Hey! Thanks so much for all of this. Very sorry for the late reply — my schedule has been very full as of late.
First off, I've made all of the suggested changes with the sole exception of the amnestic one. According to this guide (which isn't official or anything — I just tend to like it), Class H amnestics cause anterograde amnesia, preventing the formation of new memories, while Class B amnestics cause regressive retrograde, erasing all recent memories within a certain time period. I imagined the Class B would, in an incredibly small dose, get rid of the last thirty minutes or so, while the Class H would just be in affect until another agent is used by the MTF to fill in the blanks.
I'm really glad that you liked the length, as that was something I still felt a bit unsure about. This is my shortest work by a solid 300-odd words so their was definitely still a bit of anxiety.
On the front of Foundation action, I think that I'm pretty happy with it being a subtle undertone that has no actual impact on the story.
I hadn't actually thought of this story as a mystery, but when you point it out I do definitely feel like it comes across that way. I actually think that the recontextualization of mystery into sadness works better for this piece than what I was initially going for, so I'm pretty happy with how that turned out.
Once again, I just want to thank you for the help on this. I think at this point I've been sitting on this draft for long enough and have been happy enough with the reception, so I think I'm going to post it now. Cheers.
/forum/t-16319153/shame-scp-article#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
