SCP-7804 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-7804.

-1

Hikarinu 28 Aug 2023 02:18

This article is overall nice, but it has a few issues I noticed while reading:
"Hum" is written where I presume you mean "Hume" in the containment procedures.

Imperial units generally aren't used in professional documents, such as those of the SCP Foundation. Metric units would make much more sense.

"Wonder World" and "Wonderworld" are both inconsistently used to refer to the same thing.

Two of the three headlines in the newspaper snippet are bloat that are entirely unrelated to the rest of the article.

Perhaps I'm missing something, but I don't quite understand why the Foundation were insistent upon containing and combating the emerging Wonderworld; with the masquerade broken and the representatives posing no direct threat, doing so seems nonsensical. I'd presume this is because they don't want Wonderworld to have enough political power to hamper their other operations, but it isn't made clear what opposing goals they would have to lead to the Foundation blockading and invading them.

I hope my feedback is helpful to you in getting this article into the best shape it can be. I'll change my vote when it's fixed up if you shoot me a message, provided you decide to make changes based on my feedback.

Re: -1

Commluke1 28 Aug 2023 03:54

I thank you for the Feedback (and for not instantly disliking it despite the title) ill go ahead and make changes now and DM you

Minor Notes

DrMindbender 28 Aug 2023 21:28

On the spag side, there's a few instances where you use "it's" (it is) when you should use "its" (possessive)

It feels like there's something a bit lacking with the conflict. Maybe it's because it's almost instantly resolved with no obvious hitches. Sure there's allegedly a "war," but it's delegated to a few lines in a newspaper article, with the reasons why WonderWorld is so threatening to the normal way of life not really being expanded upon (especially if this is already a broken masquerade scenario).

Overall, I feel like there's potential here, but it needs a bit more work. Currently, I'm no-voting, since it's not overtly bad, per se, but I also don't feel moved enough to +1 it.

Last edited on 28 Aug 2023 21:29 by DrMindbender Show more

Re: Minor Notes

Commluke1 29 Aug 2023 19:46

Thank you for your Feedback! Ill take this into account.

Notes

chaucer345 18 Sep 2023 19:03

It certainly makes sense that Dr. Wondertainment would jump at the opportunity to open itself up to the world more if the Masquerade broke, and having a dimension of their own seems like a pretty good way to do that. But I admit, I feel like you've missed some of the juiciest drama of this conflict.

For one, in most content I've encountered, Dr. Wondertainment's toys are as likely to be incredibly deadly and destructive as they are to be whimsical and fun. Even ignoring their anomalous nature, any attempt for them to integrate into society would take a much more sinister tone from the points of view of nations trying to protect their territory and citizens. How much amnesty are they getting from the UN here for what amounts to terrorist acts by the way of criminal negligence? Why aren't the parents of kids who got vaporized by "toy" death lasers up in arms?

With regards to the use of the Wandsmen, I liked it, but I did want to mention that the paper "Watching the Watchers" was, in my head at least, a paper about the activities of the Wandsmen organization itself (hence the name). However, they release multiple papers focused on different areas and subjects, so you could easily keep all the formatting and just name the paper something like "The Cultural Exchange" or, "Eyes on Inter Dimensional Politics" or something like that.

Over all, an interesting article, but one that I feel doesn't quite live up to its potential just yet. I'm no-voting for now, but that could easily be upgraded with revisions. Please let me know if you would like the article added to the Wandsmen hub as well.