SCP-7574 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-7574.

page 1 of 212next »

In space, nobody can hear you sob.

ThatGuyThatTime 11 Jul 2023 01:21

Alone at the edge of a universe, humming a tune
For merely dreaming we were snow
A siren sounds like the goddess who
Promises endless apologies of paradise
And only she can make it right
So things are different tonight
We'll go together in flight.

A piece different from most of what I've posted. Goodbye, Richard Bartleman.

Thanks to the many who crit this and helped mold it into something I'm proud of, including (in crit order):

• TroutMaskReplica
• Cicada3301Fan
• AwhRyan
• CyaNihilism
• cubeflix
• FlyPurgatorio

Spoilers and a discussion of why.

A minor note that never really gets clarified in the article, but SCP-7574-3 is implied to be the clump of pink space dust that crowded around the spaceship, amplifying the signals sent out by Richard in his final days. Also, this was initially more Fifthist, but the super obvious fifthist references were cut. I still think this goes by the idea that the greatest fifthist stories are stories about human tragedy, though.

In terms of the content: I've been fortunate enough to avoid the struggles that lead to tragedies like Katherine Bartleman; but I know many who haven't. Not to the point of suicide itself, but the struggles of depression and life plague those I've known, and it's always hard thinking about what may have occurred in a worse world. This isn't a piece about suicide, really. It's a piece about how the people left behind react. Thanks for reading.

Last edited on 19 Sep 2023 01:04 by ThatGuyThatTime Show more

Re: In space, nobody can hear you sob.

ThatGuyThatTime 20 Aug 2023 17:50

We recently passed +70 — I was fortunate enough to have been featured in the "Reviewer's Spotlight", but regardless, thank you all so much for reading and voting. This is one of my favorite things to have written :)

Cicada3301Fan 11 Jul 2023 01:32

+1

+1

Esperion 11 Jul 2023 04:27

Tugging those goddamn heartstrings! Great work.

One minor nitpick in the Special Containment Procedures: I think you meant "dual-key".

e: didn't mean to reply to this comment lol

Last edited on 11 Jul 2023 04:27 by Esperion Show more

TroutMaskReplica 11 Jul 2023 05:04

wow. this…this is beautiful.

i would never expect something to god damn heart wrenching from the funny toilet scp guy but here we are.

take my +1, i hope you're doing well.

---

ඞ

winkwonkboi 11 Jul 2023 05:54

Welp, time to jump out the window.

+1

thatguythatcrying

cubeflix 11 Jul 2023 12:07

fkuc you duck otucfuck you fuckho I I’m. Crying

LORDXVNV 12 Jul 2023 02:15

This is pretty good.

Culturally, this pays homage to 3001 and 3005, the lone voice lost in space and the obvious Fifthist pinkness. Despite that it's in a way an interesting reversal of 3001 by having the focus take place largely before the ejection-into-foreign-space event. Overall, I'd say the strength of this work is establishing Bartleman before giving us the pathos-laden final series of transmissions. The character comes off as well-rounded, having a logical motive to go into space.

There are a few things that aren't quite to my taste, but I can largely overlook them. You probably didn't intend it in this way, but having a dead woman motivate a man falls into the cultural trope of "fridging" — reducing a woman's role solely to how she motivates men. Don't make a habit of it. The exact details and mechanics of the year selection could be clarified — if it's only a 4 digit year system, the logical assumption is that the system would dump them out around 0 A.D. — 13.7 billion could be justified maybe, but exactly how/why that malfunction worked the way it did isn't clear from the text. There's a detail at the end where he mentions "others who went missing" — I'm unsure whether this is supposed to be other characters in the text (Radu) or just a generic statement about missing persons.

But overall, an enjoyable work.

Dr_Lamas 12 Jul 2023 22:24

I absolutely cried 😢

Ethagon 13 Jul 2023 17:24

I think this works overall. What took me out of it however was that after something went wrong during the countdown nobody tried to stop what was happening. (There's also no year 0, but that doesn't matter as much) Right now, it's a -1

teapet 19 Jul 2023 22:23

The character monologue at the end was moving, but I think that better pacing could bring it from good to great.

In my opinion, splitting up the description with dialogue snippets took away from your intended message. I was trying to figure out how the beginning information from the dialogue related to the incomplete description of the anomaly, expecting some sort of twist or big reveal. Instead, it was just a simple teleportation/timetravel machine. I personally think you could've delivered more coherent character development if you got all the situational exposition out of the way before exploring Bartleman's backstory.

Speaking of characters, Neer and Mulvaney seem to be inconsequential side characters that very subtly hint at Bartleman's trauma in passing. A dedicated section focusing on character interaction could build up the angst and reveal the true depth of Bartleman's grief, which would make the ending a lot more powerful.

Bartleman's dead father and disappeared friend also don't get enough attention. Their emotional impact on Richard seems secondary to Katherine's suicide, which is a sufficiently compelling reason for grief on its own, so you could just omit the father/friend detail.

LORDXVNV mentioned fridging, and I likewise felt that the wife's underdeveloped character made it feel like a cheap plot device. Ideally, I would like more insight into her character than offhand mentions of her liking space, eating yucky potato slop, and caring about her husband's safety.

If you gave her character more points to connect with, it would make it easier to understand Bartleman's grief, and you could leverage that relatability to further draw focus to "how the people left behind react." In other words, giving the reader a stronger attachment to Katherine would allow for more empathy over sympathy.

Overall, I see what you're going for and I like the message, I just didn't find the execution very compelling.

Novote from me!

gingerayyle 09 Aug 2023 11:13

I think the core concept of a Stephen King jaunt-like device is brilliant, and I enjoyed how this is really well written—however, the similarity to 3001 in the logs is overwhelming and the Foundation's gross incompetence is a major pain point: like -3241 level incompetence without the satisfying justice. Aside from those two things, everything's really well done—I'm leaning towards a novote, but +1 because keep up the good work.

page 1 of 212next »