I like it but there’s a few things i would change-
The placard formerly read something? I think it would be better to describe it as faded then, since how could you know exactly what it said if it no longer says it
‘Initially begins’ I would change to ‘the entrance to scp-7615 consists of’ or something of the like
‘A variety of flora, homegrown vegetable plants, and fruit trees’ is redundant. Perhaps change to ‘a variety of flora, notably common homegrown vegetation and fruit-bearing trees’ or something like that. A little detail couldn’t hurt either (perhaps a footnote detailing one or two kinds)
And finally the two ladies disappearing ‘before witnesses reached the location themselves’ doesn’t make much sense. Why would they even notice these two women disappearing? I would suggest changing that as well.
Overall very good start but just needs a little more for me!
The placard formerly read something? I think it would be better to describe it as faded then, since how could you know exactly what it said if it no longer says it
I think the wording is consistent with the events of the article.
…after surveillance camera feed ceased for several seconds. Upon restoring, the feed revealed the placard to now be blank.
The text disappeared, not faded. And since they were monitoring it before the text disappeared they know what was written previously.
And finally the two ladies disappearing ‘before witnesses reached the location themselves’ doesn’t make much sense. Why would they even notice these two women disappearing?
I interpreted this as them being chased or followed, but that could be wrong.
I thought this was a bittersweet, heart-breaking little story that suckerpunched me in the best way. The last sentence is so powerful, and I was not expecting it at all, although in hindsight I can see you set it up the implications nicely.
What I liked:
I left the article with some questions, which isn't necessarily a bad thing; I believe good fiction should make the reader think. Sometimes that means writing something that makes the reader ask certain questions. SCP-7615 did a little of that kind of pondering (good!), and a little of the "I wish the author had expanded upon "X" because I'm not sure I fully understood this".1
Some of the good type of questions, (a result of just wanting to know more because I liked this SCP and it made me think):
- If nobody was able to get inside, how was there graffiti on the walls?
- If nobody was able to get inside, how did Angela and Riley end up with a fully furnished home?
- Those questions led me to: Maybe certain people besides Angela and Riley were allowed in?
- Why were Angela and Riley able to open the hatch in the first place?
- If the hatch will open for a certain demographic, how does it know how to do so? Is it sapient? Controlled by humans or other sapient beings?
- If it is controlled by something, someone or a group of beings, where did they come from?
- Assuming the hatch leads to an alternate dimension, world etc, how big is it?
- Does this alternate dimension have a population beyond Angela and Riley? 🤔
What I didn't love:
I'm not familiar with the Dept.of Abnormalities beyond SCP-3790, so I could be way off base, but this doesn't seem like it is related to the Dept. of Abnormalities, except for the plaque. Like, you could've just taken away the plaque attributing it to DOA, and the story would not have changed. Again, not familiar with DOA, so I could be wrong!
I also thought the wording was a little strange in some places,
In the distance can be seen a perpetually setting sun. Located at the central point of the field is an elevated grassy hill on-which a small cottage stands.
I automatically read the aforementioned sentences in Yoda's voice, lol. I found it a bit jarring, but the imagery was strong enough that the phrasing didn't ruin the atmosphere.
Some quick observations:
- I don't feel the redactions are necessary.
- A few grammar errors, but no biggie!
- I didn't initially realize the significance of June 26, 2015, lol whoops.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. Short, sweet and hearbreaking, good job! Glad to see one more LGBTQ story before the end of June.
(account deleted)how fuckin dare you make me sad for a DoA scp.
+1, this is really good, love the way it changes the DoA aesthetic god damn.
ඞ
This is a bit more "old-school" than my usual tastes, but it does what it's doing well and avoids the usual pitfalls of DoA articles.
It's also a really good Pride SCP. We have always existed.
+1
I appreciate the DoA reference and your spin on it, being LGBT myself. I expected something a bit more horrific, but nevertheless, I can't help but wonder how this exact anomaly came about and how the DoA got involved.
All the best
- Nylo
I'm a fan of the article, but even with the Author Note I don't really feel like this works well with any other DoA articles (mostly because there is no Foundation relation here whatsoever) to the point that I think this would work better without that mention. Either that or by making a stronger point about what your DoA represents in the article itself. Right now it's a -1
I think you wrote a decent execution of this idea, but I still don't think it works, mostly due to the contextual and symbolic framework of the Foundation and DoA.
The Foundation exists to perpetuate a controlled status quo, and DoA's imagery typically uses negative space to sell the idea of "wrongness" that exists there. Theoretically, it's an inspired choice to use them as a parallel of queer history, but you're not really using it effectively in only having DoA be the "container", so to speak.
In practice, I think you ended up selling the opposite of your intention, by the language of your own narrative - That the LGBT couple had been "abnormal" that's better up being locked away, and still was up until gay marriage legalization, rather than them never being abnormal in the first place.
