Original article by theTBAPb
Translation by Gene R and
Dr Kostyankyn
Proofreading by VAElynx
SCP-2470 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-2470.
(account deleted)Damn. That was a lot to take in, but it was a really enjoyable read nonetheless.
+1
Yea, though I walk through the lowest rated pages, I will fear no coldpost: for thou art with me SCP Wiki; thy mods and thy staff they comfort me.- Proxymoron
I enjoy the massive, complicated containment procedures, which are something of a throwback to the old-school pre-Mass Edit & Series I articles. They really grant this feeling of increasing tension and import before the article even gets into what the SCP actually is. And the object/phenomenon doesn't disappoint! Also, the postulate that they're containing this because only one ZK-class can exist at any given time is a great piece of headcanon which I think I'm going to adopt.
Enthusiastic upvote.
Giving bearhugs to the unsuspecting since 1872.
If you're not going to add all the applicable tags, please don't add any at all. Technical Team members keep tabs on untagged articles so they can tag them when they have the time. By adding a few tags, you are essentially ensuring your article will not be fully tagged.
Now that's an abstract keter.
I find this legitimately terrifying in a deep way.
Percipitur ergo non est
It was long-winded, maybe over-done. A few typos and tone issues (done, instead of performed, for example).
Still, it kept me going to the end, although maybe it over stayed its welcome.
Dunno. Neutral vote. It seems like a fairly basic idea (thing what makes you cease to exist, then makes things like you disappear etc etc) dressed up with a lot of technical shenanigans. I feel like every SCIP would have this level of documentation/procedural information, it just isn't necessary for us to read it.
I'm not gonna add these in myself because it'd be a massive edit, but here are grammatical and structural errors that need fixing:
on-site personnel is responsible
Are responsible
a spectrum correcting system built into the HUD
Spectrum-correcting
Opening the hatch of the inner shell. Starting the 15 minute countdown.
I'd suggest just making that one sentence: "Opening the hatch of the inner shell and starting the 15 minute countdown."
Opening the external shell’s hatch, starting 35-minutes countdown
35-minute
when finishing the 15 minute
15-minute
By the time the 35-min
I'd say just keep it consistent throughout the article and say "minute" since that's what it is in other areas of the article.
(same sentence) By the time the 35-min countdown is finished, the both employees
take out "the"
Employees failing to leave the shells on time are considered KIA, no rescue missions are to be attempted under any circumstances.
Semicolon, not comma
Transmission of information about the outside world into the shells in a form perceivable by the object (see description), even if not having observable consequences, is to be classified as a containment breach and aborted as soon as possible; termination of any employee is permitted if required to enact such. However, it should also be kept in mind that a deviation from the routine containment mode, as long as it remains stable, is preferable to frequent and sudden changes of the object’s surroundings; for this reason, containment restoration is to be conducted through decisive action, guaranteeing solid and sustainable results.
Crazy run-on with two semicolons in it. Can we break that up somehow?
If the air pressure inside of the containment volume goes above 1 mbar all the operations are to be conducted in sound dampening mode.
comma after mbar
The current dimensions of the containment volume allow to conduct the procedure as many as 5 (five) times, hence, after fourth occurence of shell integrity loss and subsequent recontainment as described above, site personnel is to initiate work on containment volume expansion.
I feel like there's something missing after "allow". "Allow personnel", maybe? Also, five and 5 switched (to keep consistent with the rest of the containment procedures, it should be "five (5)").
In case of a significant damage
Probably take out "a"
protocol 2470-Alpha
Wouldn't "protocol" be capitalized, since "Alpha" is?
Contained objects of little avail classified as “safe” or “euclid”
Capitalize Safe and Euclid
(see. approved SCP list)
Should it be "see: approved SCP list"?
In case of a BI (Before Invasion) class or TCF (Total Containment Failure) class scenarios
Technically, those would both be hypenated (think "XK-Class End of the World Scenario") but I know it'll look weird because of the two terms and parentheses. Maybe rewrite the sentence as "In the case of a BI-class or TCF-class scenario ('Before Invasion' and 'Total Containment Failure', respectively)"
can only be carried out after training course simulations and rehearsals showing a 100% success rate
Show, not showing
Medical staff is to conduct physical examination of the working group prior to entering the containment volume, and to examine all Area-141 personnel monthly
"Medical staff are", and I'd recommend taking the comma out and making the sentence "Medical staff are to conduct physical examination of the working group prior to entering the containment volume and examine all Area-141 personnel monthly"
Any and all research of SCP-2470 are currently forbidden.
Is, not are
I'll come back for the Description - I'm tired now. :P
First and foremost this applies to the most proximate aspects, which are directly accessible to the object’s senses, but thereafter, as the object accumulates knowledge, gains abstract understanding of the nature of things, and makes generalizations, the effect extends to the phenomena themselves, their direct and later indirect consequences.
This sentence is a bit of a mess. How about "First and foremost this applies to the most proximate aspects, which are directly accessible to the object’s senses. Thereafter, as the object accumulates knowledge, gains abstract understanding of the nature of things, and makes generalizations, the effect extends to the phenomena themselves, as well as their direct and later indirect consequences."
(apparently, the object was somehow confused that every demanifested volume of soil brought more into view, and that slowed the process down; it did not manage to realize the Earth as a limited and finite entity)
Break from the grammar run, but this is kind of… not clinical, I guess? Speculating about how the object perceived an event and stating it objectively ("it did not manage to(…)") doesn't really belong here, I think, but it's ultimately up to the author.
Due to constant disappearances of air, atmospheric pressure has dropped at the operation site and a steady high-current cyclone has formed.
Another break from grammar just to say that's really badass and makes for a cinematic mental image.
Moreover, this hypothesis combined with the conclusion regarding [DATA EXPUNGED] provides an explanation to how the object manages to avoid exposure to “Weißschatten’s paradox”: apparently, the effect of quantum entanglement of the object in present time with itself in an immediate future, allows it to foresee the damaging effect of the memetic agent, without even having a concept of its nature, and, based on that information, allows SCP-2470 to refuse to perceive it ("to close its eyes", metaphorically speaking).
Run-on again, and that's a lot of words to say that it doesn't like something so it doesn't look at it… but if we're gonna keep this sentence, let's at least break it down. I'd change it to "Moreover, this hypothesis combined with the conclusion regarding [DATA EXPUNGED] provides an explanation to how the object manages to avoid exposure to “Weißschatten’s paradox”: apparently, the effect of quantum entanglement of the object in present time with itself in an immediate future allows it to foresee the damaging effect of the memetic agent without having a concept of its nature. Based on this information, this allows SCP-2470 to refuse to perceive it ("to close its eyes", metaphorically speaking)."
However, the fact that this m.o. has been remaining its only way of existence
M.O.? (Probably just a term I don't recognize.) Also, "has remained" and I'd recommend changing "way" to "manner".
Actually, the origin of the effect resulting in a ZK-class scenario lies not within the object, as we got used to thinking, but within the whole outer world.
No first-person "we" to refer to the Foundation, at least by Series III standards. I'd change this to "The current consensus among personnel is that the origin of the effect resulting in a ZK-class scenario lies not within the object, as previously hypothesized, but within the entire outer world." ("Outer world" is still not too clinical, but oh well.)
It is not the object that tears fragments away from reality, but the reality itself discharges these fragments and casts them into the most fitting place - into the unfillable unbeing that is SCP-2470 as soon as they form a strong enough causal connection with it.
Yeah, the tone's completely breaking down here. I don't know what to replace "unfillable unbeing" with, but it can't be that. Perhaps just "entity".
relative to the «forgetting» nature
Why these arrow bracket things?
According to the data gathered later on, a small village of ██████ which had been abandoned since at least the late 80s has been situated at the initial discovery site, however, a few years before the anomaly appeared, it had been occupied with members of an unidentified, radical pro-apocalyptic religious community.
Period after "site" and just break that into two sentences.
The procedure is to be performed by two (2) subjects possessing confirmed telepathic abilities
W-what…? Why does the Foundation just have telepaths sitting around that they can grab and use at any time?
use of SCP-███ for development of telepathic abilities in suitable candidates is authorized for the purpose of replenishing the list.
Is this how? I'm just confused, is all, but this article is confusing in general.
such as color-blindness
That's one word.
there is an preliminary measure
A
Also the subjects must not know about each other’s existence; violation of this condition is grounds for immediate termination and a selection of new candidates.
I'd start with "additionally".
complex using a class D test subject
Capitalize Class D
The medical staff of Area 141 is to
Are, not is
flattening of affects, progressive indifference to surroundings, and reactions becoming mechanical
I assume that's "effects", but even then, the effects of what? Just perception of reality in general?
repeating episodes in which the examinee looks at some regular thing for a long time with an uncommon curiosity
Another tonal break. I'd change "some regular thing" to "a common everyday object" or something.
under pretense of some insignificant surgical intervention
I'd replace "some" with "an"
The rest of personnel is to be given a cover story implicating that the employee is dismissed for medical reasons and transferred to another Foundation facility.
The rest of personnel are
Okay, whew.
Well… I upvoted this for the containment procedures (because I'm a sucker for detailed ones) and because the description of Area 141's layout and atmosphere is just super cinematic and cool. Additionally, I really respect the amount of work that went into this, and I know most of those errors I pointed out above were only made because it was translated. However, the skip itself is a pissed-off chunk of existence that doesn't like looking at a certain picture and can give people telepathic abilities. That's an awful lot of text for that concept, but still, as I said, ultimately upvoting.
Thank you really much for those edits.
Although I understand your hatred towards long sentences, I'll probably ask the author first, before making those edits.
M.O.? (Probably just a term I don't recognize.) Also, "has remained" and I'd recommend changing "way" to "manner".
modus operandi. Should we change it to "behavior"?
And are you sure it should be past perfect instead of past perfect continious? I mean, it keeps remaining, isn't it?
Why these arrow bracket things?
Those are russian quotation marks.) fixed
That's one word.
Is it?
I assume that's "effects", but even then, the effects of what? Just perception of reality in general?
Nah. It is "flattening of affects". A medical term.
W-what…? Why does the Foundation just have telepaths sitting around that they can grab and use at any time?
Probably it is a list of people, who possess telepathic abilities and lead their own lifes not knowing that the Foundation has an eye on them. Or maybe some of them work for the Foundation or GoIs.
Is this how? I'm just confused, is all, but this article is confusing in general.
Well, there is some scp that gives people telepathic abilities. If the Foundation runs out of psychics or becomes unable to deliver one to the Area 141, they can just make a new one.
Yeah, the tone's completely breaking down here. I don't know what to replace "unfillable unbeing" with, but it can't be that. Perhaps just "entity".
Nah, I wouldn't do that. There is quite a difference between a common word "entity" and "unfillable unbeing", which is pretty much the object in just two words. So… something would be lost.
I feel like there's something missing after "allow". "Allow personnel", maybe? Also, five and 5 switched (to keep consistent with the rest of the containment procedures, it should be "five (5)").
How about "The current dimensions of the containment volume tolerate conducting the procedure as many as 5 (five) times…"?
Nah, I wouldn't do that. There is quite a difference between a common word "entity" and "unfillable unbeing", which is pretty much the object in just two words. So… something would be lost.
Maybe, but there are plenty of SCP objects that are referred to as "entity" even if in normal emotional writing they'd be referred to as something more descriptive that embodies their nature. Whether this skip is more deserving of a vivid descriptor like that or not, "unfillable unbeing" is very far from clinical tone and thus shouldn't be in the main body text of an SCP article for that reason alone. Maybe it would work in the note from the O5 Council or something, but overall I strongly suggest taking it out.
Also, apparently color blindness is two words (without a hypen, either) so my bad on that one!
As for the rest of the sentences/errors, it's up to you guys that translated it. My only goal with that post was to bring up everything I noticed so that the authors could address the issues or not address them as they deemed fit, not to completely butcher the article with fixes. Ultimately it's up to you, and for so much text to have been translated, you guys didn't do a bad job by any stretch.
I'm a bit late to this discussion, I know, but I actually think in this case not using entity is the more clinical description: they don't know for sure that it's an entity. Like the one addendum points out, the appearance of intelligence or motive could be an illusion.
Sort of like how fire fills all the technical requirements of something being "alive" without being alive.
I ran through and made some basic corrections, but I think it's pretty wordy. For example, "Initial hypotheses regarding the object's nature were defining it as something akin to a miniature black hole" could be "Initial hypotheses defined the object as something akin to a miniature black hole."
There are also some phrasings that don't quite fit with SAE, such as "had been occupied with members" instead of "had been occupied by members," which I think are an artifact of the translation process.
Since there's so much information in here, it's going to be long no matter what, but I think an aggressive attempt to remove redundant and overly-complex phrasing would make it easier to get through. With permission, I'd like to give it a shot.
If you could make the alternations in your draft or a Word document and give me a link, that would be really cool.
/forum/t-1595713/scp-2470#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
