SCP-XXXX
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/gtvsforza
Any feedback is welcome.
SCP-XXXX
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» Writing Help / Help: Drafts Critique
» SCP-XXXX
Before I even begin reading, I can see that there is a formatting error. It may be because of the way your picture is oriented, but the text after the bold headings should not be below the actual heading. Also, you should note that numbers are not reserved, so you are not guaranteed to have the number 2973.
SCP-2793 is to be stored in the Secure Vehicles Storage Facility in Site-██
Just, like, wherever? Should we park it in the lot? Crash it into the break room?
where access is restricted unless accompanied by Level 3 personnel or higher.
Why? Restricted in what way?
a state of severe rust and repair.
"State of disrepair" is what I think you were trying to say. Though not incorrect grammatically, "a state of rust" or "a state of repair", are awkwardly-phrased. I also don't think anyone would describe a rusty old car as "repaired".
start to mobilize
Mobilize what? Did you mean "start to move"?
even though the wheels are removed and no engine is present
Why is that?
an interaction
Like what?
even though no engine is present
You said this already. I would delete the redundancy.
charge at
Off-tone and not the best word to describe a machine. "Charging" is generally used to refer to animal behavior.
open it's hood
its*
attempt to devour
Off-tone. How? Does it like prop itself up or something? I thought it didn't have wheels?
the subject
What subject? You never mentioned any experimentation previously.
resume mobilizing
Mobilizing what? Is it just constantly preparing itself to move? Why?
No remains of victims are seen after the attack
The tense of this sentence makes me think that the "victims" are Foundation personnel. Why would they go near it if it eats people?
an oil stain
Where? From what? I thought it didn't have an engine? Is it a ghost engine?
SCP-2793 is held in the Secure Vehicles Storage Facility in Site-██
You already told us this in the containment procedures.
4 50-watt spotlights are shone directly at SCP-2793 to restrict movement.
This should be in the containment procedures.
witnesses report
reported*
to cover up
Not entirely off-tone, but I've never been a fan of it and there are better ways to say this.
It is a car what kills you. Additionally, it is vague and there's really no reason it needs to be so short (especially considering that two sentences are repeated).
Maybe you could imagine reasons for some of the questions I asked and give it a little more depth.
i think MrAnakinSpecter gave you a lot of really specific things (which you fixed) so i think im going to explain my problems with the actual concept.
As mentioned above:
It is a car what kills you. [sic]
…and that's about it. this is just object+anomaly writing and while that's not necessarily the "wrong" way to write or a "bad" way, if you're not careful it'st just uninteresting.
there are several ways to improve this. some might try to make the car more menacing. some would include some sort of paranoia fuel. if i were writing this, i would focus on the story rather than the actual object.
from what i read, the car seems angry (it intentionally rams people until they die). why? does the car have emotions? what purpose could this car have?
where does the car come from? unless its extra-terrestrial, somebody created it. why? did they intend to create an anomaly? what are the car's motivations? i have nothing to go on here.1 why do I care? am i in danger? what's so special about this?
It's a car that kills people. work on this, and edit it until it's not just that.
Footnotes
1. i would make an excellent actor/director.
I added a little backstory of why it attacks people.
ok i think perhaps i wasn't clear (or otherwise you didnt have time to completely fix it):
one sentence is not going to fix an overall uninteresting concept. Reel us in, make us pay attention, do something to be heard above the thousands of other scips. this is not just going to be something you can fix in five minutes. this is going to take a lot of work with a lot of suggestions from a lot of members. and even when you think you're done, you might never post it. It's sad but true, and i don't think that should stop you from working on it more. do some major revision on this, and update us when you feel you've gotten further than you were.
Ok. What kinds of suggestions? I'm opening my draft in less than 15 minutes, so whoever wants to add or edit go ahead.
Oboebandgeek99 gave you a lot of specific things you could add (the last three paragraphs of their post are nothing but suggestions) and explained the biggest flaw with your draft: there is no hook.
I looked through the addenda and all they tell me is that this is still a car what kills people. There is no why or how, only what, and that doesn't give enough depth in my opinion.
Also, nobody is going to write an article for you. If you want to do a collaboration, that is a different matter, but it sounds like you are just expecting someone to edit what you already wrote, which is no way to improve as a writer.
/forum/t-1581755/scp-xxxx#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
