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Link: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/collab:zenobiyl
Summary: A gossiping fly befriends a socially awkward researcher and his optimistic crush. Together they confront their boss, and convince the foundation that this SCP is better off as a friend than a prisoner. In return, the SCP helps its two new friends start a romantic relationship.
Theme: Anomalies are people too
Tone: Comedic & Light-Hearted
Questions:
What was your reaction to the ending?
Were there any parts of dialogue you liked/disliked? If so, why?
Did you feel a unity between the early logs and later logs?
Are there any plot points you found implausible? If so, how would you have made them more believable?
Did you like/dislike any of the characters? If so, why?
I’d be happy for overviews, emotional responses, or line-by-line criticism. Whatever you got to say, I want to hear it!
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts,
-Zen
Proof of two greenlights:
https://discord.com/channels/877710488673329162/1079390695804117004
(Greenlit by scalykitty and
AstersQuill)
Science is the process of thinking God's thoughts after him
NOT AN EXPERIENCED CRITTER/take my words with a grain of salt
I am going to hunt down whoever runs Wikidot servers and █████ ███ ██ █ ████████ ███ ████ █████ ██ █ ███.
ngl this reminds me of SCP-3774.
Description
SCP 7XXX is a sapient entity that inhabits female members of the Drosophila genus,
Add a footnote explaining the Drosophila genus, just so people don’t have to search it up. (Something saying like "Commonly known as the fruit fly.")
Although SCP 7XXX is fairly durable for a common Drosophila specimen, its physical lifespan is no more than approximately one month. Paired with its post-mortem reincarnation, this can result in containment breaches even under ideal circumstances.
Couldn’t the Foundation just put a fruit fly farm in SCP-7XXX’s chamber, or at least, near it? That way, even if she performs autothysis or dies in another way, people can just put her back into containment. Of course, all of the flies would have to be female. My bad.
Containment Breach Logs 1-4
[Begin Log 1]
Foreword: SCP 7XXX had been in foundation custody for two weeks, during which time it made numerous demands and shared unsolicited personal details about various staff members. Following reports of feeling "old as [EXPLETIVE]" the entity perished, presumably from natural causes.
Swap the placement of these two. I see the sandbox has been updated, no need to do this.
The site janitor is released from his employment at the foundation per the orders of Dr. Mendoza, after debriefing and amnestic administration.
A bit harsh, don’t you think? She isn't even the site director.
My initial hunch is a distinct metaphysical consciousness, especially since SCP 7XXX retained its memories from before death.
Change into
My initial hunch is that SCP-7XXX is a distinct metaphysical consciousness, especially since SCP-7XXX retained its memories from before its death.
filler so you don't get confused
SCP 7XXX points to the fly swatter held by D-14378 with one of its appendages
Period!
SCP 7XXX perishes through an anomalous autothysis process
Add a period pls - Also, is autothysis not a regular process that certain bugs have?
4:43: SCP 7XXX turns away from the LCD display on the west wall and faces the northwestern corner of its cell
What is the purpose of the 4:43 here? You don't have to remove it, just say why it's there. Is it recording weird interactions that SCP-7XXX is having? Abnormal behavior?
Please add punctuation to the end of your italic sentences in logs. (ive noticed some in the later logs btw if you need help finding them)
Containment Breach 6
SCP 7XXX spots Dr. Kelly alone in her office. She is seated in a chair, and is reading a 1,653-page draft titled “The Comprehensive Guide to Anomalous Insectoids." Numerous sections are covered in red ink.
Why include what Dr. Kelly is doing? This doesn’t have any future implications and never shows up again in the article? Maybe write a little about what Dr. Kelly is doing, don’t go into specifics, and say that SCP-7XXX approaches her, like:
SCP-7XXX spots Dr. Kelly alone in her office reading through a draft. SCP-7XXX approaches Dr. Kelly.
or something along those lines idk you do you Of course, this isn't perfect, but you get my gist, right?
SCP 7XXX: I need your help! I’m trying to bust out of this place.
Dr. Kelly: You’ve been trying to escape the foundation for two weeks?
Something about Dr. Kelly’s response ust feels off to me. Me personally, if I was in this situation, would say Dr. Kelly’s next question:
Wait, why are you trying to escape?
Instead of her original response. Of course, it may be just me, but it just feels stretched out for a conversation. I think you could shave off:
Dr. Kelly: You’ve been trying to escape the foundation for two weeks?
SCP 7XXX: Well yeah, but the whole ‘suicide’ thing hasn’t been working fast enough. I’ve probably burned through several thousand flies by now, and I’m still nowhere close to the outside. I thought I could find a way out in the vents, but they’ve all been sealed to the outside for some reason.
Dr. Kelly: Standard containment procedures for a breach.
And the main point of the log would still be present.
I thought I could find a way out in the vents, but they’ve all been sealed to the outside for some reason.
Are you trying to say that the vents have been sealed from the outside?
both are silent for several seconds.
Capitalize “both”
Dr. Landstrom: You let the SCP into your room?
You don’t necessarily have to write out “SCP” here, you can use a more informal term, like skip. Yes, it's used in-universe.
Dr. Landstrom appears to redden.
With this and other parts (see next cited part - bear that not all parts are here for brevity), you want to take out the “appears to” and make the sentence make sense. For this one, it should be changed to
Dr. Landstrom reddens.
filler so u don’t mix things up
Dr. Landstrom appears to smile.
“Appears to”?( Change to “Dr. Landstrom smiles.”)
Dr. Kelly [Excited]: I’m in!
Change to Excitedly
At 1:56 the three left Dr. Kelly’s quarters, with the entity concealed in a Metallica hat worn on Dr. Landstrom’s head.
Add comma after 1:56. Also, what does 1:56 mean? 1:56 minutes? Is it the time? Also, for the end,
with the entity concealed in a Metallica hat worn on Dr. Landstrom’s head.
You can shorten that to
with the entity concealed in a Metallica hat worn by Dr. Landstrom.
filler
Dr. Mendoza [Suspicious]: Go on.
You don’t need to put “Suspicious” here. If you want, you could replace this with “Slowly”. The reasoning behind this: Throughout the rest of this log, you use “agitated”, “through gritted teeth”, “sighing”, and “unflattering impression of Dr. Mendoza”. These ways of speaking can be detected through both an audio log and video. However, “suspicious” can hardly be detected through a video log, let alone an audio log.
Dr. Mendoza: The answer is no.
No reason to bold here, the words hold the same value with/without the bolding
SCP 7XXX: Told you she’d say that
Add a period.
Dr. Mendoza [Sighing]: I need to make a call
Add a period.
Following the meeting with SCP 7XXX, Dr. Mendoza contacted site director ██████ Maxwell with an account of the entity’s prior containment breaches, demands, and cooperation with Drs. Landstrom and Kelly.
Capitalize Site Director.
While I would normally recommend sacking the two researchers as you suggested, in this circumstance, we must consider which avenue best suits the foundation’s needs.
Maybe capitalize Foundation?
Interviewee: SCP-7XXX
LETS GOOOO
SCP 7XXX: Cassidy:
You don’t really have to do this. Of course, it fits along with the interview, but the log itself doesn’t have to be changed.
Dr. Landstrom is observed sitting up unusually straight
You can just say something like “Dr. Landstrom sits up (in his seat/unusually straight).”
Also period
Dr. Landstrom: You’re a fly
Add a period.
Cassidy: What for?
It may just be me, but this seems unnaturally formal for Cassidy and her previous behavior.
Dr. Landstrom: Listen, we’ve received a request from ██████ Maxwell, and he’s saying we better not fail to deliver.
Landstrom doesn’t need to say the site director’s first name. He could just say something like “Director Maxwell” or “the site director (not capitalized because it is not a proper noun - name)”
Cassidy: Oh wow, that’s a good question. To be honest, I didn’t really come up with my name
Add a period.
Cassidy: Anyyyways, the researchers in the lab had an acronym they used as a shorthand. I guess people get tired of saying “The entity” all the time.
You could change to 2nd sentence to something like
“I guess people got tired of calling me “The entity” all the time.”
filler
Dr. Landstrom is as red as humanly possible
Something about this sentence just puts me off, especially with the formality present throughout the entire article. I honestly don’t know what sentence to replace this with. I also feel like the use of “is” is weird. I, personally, would put “turns” in the place of “is as”
Also add a period.
Cassidy: You like her. Even an idiot could figure out your little secret, and when it comes to secrets I'm Albert [EXPLETIVE] Einstein.
lmao
Cassidy handed over video logs one week after Dr. Landstrom's date with Dr. Kelly. Following this, Dr. Kelly sent a private message to site director ██████ Maxwell.
Capitalize Site Director
That being said, the foundation does advise caution in delicate matters such as these. Use your best judgment Grace. As for your request to take a joint leave of absence on February 14th, I'll put it through the standard review protocol and let you know in about a week
Capitalize Foundation, add a comma after judgment, and Add a period.
Footnotes
Add a period to the end of Footnotes 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, and 10.
For Footnote 4, change “it’s in a dormant state” to “it is in its dormant state”
Footnote 6 just seems redundant. For Footnote 6 change:
Both iterations have been female specimens
to:
Both iterations of SCP-7XXX so far have been female specimens.
that’s it. nice article.
AlRIGHT now for the questions
What was your reaction to the ending?
First time through, it felt sweet. Kelly and Landstrom having their happy ending.
Were there any parts of dialogue you liked/disliked? If so, why?
Honestly, I disliked the beginning logs with Dr. Mendoza. There was just such a blatant disregard for the feelings of the anomaly. Her words felt cruel, not cold. I really liked the logs with Landstrom and Cassidy. bro was the best possible wingman
Did you feel a unity between the early logs and later logs?
Yes? If you consider a buildup of events to be unity. I felt like the earlier logs helped set the premise for Mendoza, Kelly, and Cassidy's characters, and the later logs helped contribute to the narrative.
Are there any plot points you found implausible? If so, how would you have made them more believable?
No, I don't think so.
Did you like/dislike any of the characters? If so, why?
I disliked Dr. Mendoza. I don't necessarily dislike how she is written, but I feel like she would fit better at somewhere like the GOC. Her character is focused on dehumanizing anomalies, and that type of mentality would be good for them. Maybe she comes back as a GOC member? idk
I liked Dr. Landstrom. He felt believable and relatable.
also do u know whats going on with the sidebar its acting weird for me (in the draft)
critique now available!
edit: fixed some things
edit 2: I saw that you edited your sandbox since I made this post, so I've removed all of the things you've fixed and updated some things I got wrong.
Thank you for the feedback! I’ve got a lot of work-related stuff to take care of for the moment, but I’ll make revisions and write up a more comprehensive reply sometime tomorrow.
Edit One: I was quite optimistic thinking revisions would take a single day. Collapsible One is about ready, and the rest will take a bit longer. I hope to have everything done by tonight, but we'll see what happens. I'll also leave some comments about a few things once revisions are complete.
Science is the process of thinking God's thoughts after him
Revisions are complete. Thank you so much for the help, I'm definitely feeling better about this article now!
Some notes:
You brought up two concerns with Dr. Mendoza firing the janitor: (1) it's unusually harsh, and (2) she lacks the authority to fire him. To the first point, I wanted Dr. Mendoza to be seen as a harsh and uncompromising antagonist, so I'm actually fairly glad to hear that you got that feeling from it. To your second point, Dr. Mendoza does indeed lack the authority to fire someone. I've changed the closing statement to something that still characterizes Dr. Mendoza as an asshole while also being realistic.
The draft mentioned in log six was Dr. Landstrom's book on anomalous bugs. I mentioned this in a few places, but the connection was a bit too subtle. I've changed it to be more explicit.
The numbers were times, which I needed to use to show sequential events. I've made the fact that they are times much more clear, as well as switching to 24-hour time format.
You're right that Dr. Mendoza is more on the cruel side than your average researcher, and this was intentional. I haven't made any plans yet, but she'll definitely be returning someday in the future (possibly as a GOC member).
No idea what's up with the sidebar.
Science is the process of thinking God's thoughts after him
lmao bro was assigned to the cockroach farm
Jokes aside, I would recommend PMing 1 or 2 more critters to see if they like the article. To just make sure it isn't just me, as I like some pretty controversial (the SCP that alters reality make everything said about Neil Cicierega, as long it is believed by a certain amount of people, true) articles (the SCP that walks on the sun, that, due the arrogance of the O5-Council, destroys the Earth) as compared to other people on this site.
I've gotten some crit on discord, but I'll continue reaching out for feedback to make sure everything is ready before I publish. Thanks again for all your help!
Science is the process of thinking God's thoughts after him
Summoned via PM.
Off the bat, the voice of the SCP is incredibly grating. The way it speaks reminds me of middle/high school students, which, if this is the intent, good on you. If this isn't the intent, well that may be an issue.
Second, I heavily dislike this SCP using its abilities to demand things from the Foundation. In my eyes, the Foundation would simply use harsher and harsher containment procedures. If the SCP continues to demand things, the Foundation can simply collect more female flies.
Your intended theme of "anomalies are people too" holds no weight when the anomaly in question is being insufferable. People can be insufferable too, yes, but those people get smacked. This SCP is merely using its abilities to work around any such punishments and makes me, the reader, actively root for the complete and total destruction of this SCP.
The whole idea of someone empathizing with this SCP when it is an active menace (relatively speaking) is a bit of a hard sell.
Remember, if there's one emotion that people understand better than anything else, it's annoyance. People can be annoyed very easily. This SCP is annoying. That translates to the reader being annoyed, which directly leads to the SCP article being infuriating.
The attempt to make us feel sympathy for the SCP is also dulled because the SCP has shown little to make the readers care. Up to the point we learn that the SCP is a failed experiment, nothing before has made anyone actually care about a gossiping SCP. People already dislike people gossiping behind their backs, and this is an SCP whose entire being is to gossip.
You've written an entire article wherein the tone of the piece comes across as, "You're wrong and I'm right, ha!" There's this very smug energy about the article that makes it very difficult to like. The SCP continuously uses its power to outmaneuver the Foundation but not in a creative way, but a "I'm gonna keep being an annoyance until you acquiesce to my demands."
SCP: I disliked this character. Its personality is incredibly grating and instead of giving off the impression of "I'm not treated like a human", it's more like reading about a child giving a temper tantrum. It's difficult for me to like this character when it's so annoying.
Landstrom: He's probably my favorite character in this piece. Seems normal and justified in his actions for the most part.
Kelly: Seems rather naive.
Mendoza: Honestly agree with her a lot of the times. There are moments where her justification is a bit odd, but overall, she wasn't wrong. You need to refute her points better if you want people sympathizing with the SCP at all (along with not making the SCP impossibly annoying).
Ultimately, I heavily disliked this piece. The SCP is intended to be a sympathetic figure, but the only emotion I felt was annoyance. The abuse of the SCP's capabilities to make people acquiesce to its demands gives the article a Mary-Sue-esque feel, and will likely alienate readers. Every time the SCP speaks, it's almost as if the intent is for a "Gotcha!" moment.
In my opinion, you should work on the SCPs lines. Right now, it sounds too childish. Again, the SCP comes off as a child throwing a temper tantrum. Honestly, I'm not particularly sure that this SCP can survive with the personality you've given it thus far.
But that's all from me, hope it helps.
Thanks for your feedback.
I set out with the intention of essentially writing a high-school girl in the body of a fly (mostly for comedic effect), and it didn't occur to me that this tone would clash with the chosen theme. I'm going to try re-characterizing the SCP in a way that readers will be able to root for it.
Edit: Going to bed soon, but I wrote up some brief character ideas. Let me know which of these seem strongest to you, or if you have another in mind.
Edit 2: I wrote up an outline for a new narrative that will make Cassidy more likeable, and hopefully keep the best elements of the story as it stands. Here it is:
Outline:
Special Containment Procedures & Description (Keep as short as possible!)
First Containment Breach
Cassidy dies of old age and reincarnates. Include the janitor joke (also throw in reference to Cassidy’s character motivations) and introduce Dr. Mendoza.
Dr. Kelly interview
Dr. Kelly interviews Cassidy and gets information from her. Reveal more character motivations, and backstory stuff.
Failed Containment Effort
Dr. Mendoza sets up new containment procedures, but there isn’t enough time to prepare adequately. Cassidy respawns in the jarred flies, but panics and kills herself until the supply is exhausted and she breaks out. Include the “waxy maxy” joke here and in the next section. Dr. Kelly convinces Cassidy to return to her cell by promising that she can befriend all the Foundation staff on her upcoming birthday.
Failed Termination Experiment
Dr. Mendoza gets permission for termination, and launches a failed termination experiment. Cassidy is so trusting she doesn’t realize what’s going on, and believes it’s just routine tests. More references to the birthday, and Dr. Kelly starts to pity Cassidy.
Birthday
The day before Cassidy’s birthday Dr. Kelly is preparing everything, when she is told it’s been called off. Dr. Mendoza found evidence that Cassidy may be linked to an enemy organization (spy backstory), and as a result a strict quarantine is put in place. Cassidy is locked in her cell, and spends her birthday alone. This causes her to snap, and she breaks out killing thousands of flies in the process (include the Mendoza rant here). Dr. Kelly feels even worse for Cassidy, and Dr. Mendoza doesn’t care at all (except that an SCP broke out.)
Landstrom Log
Dr. Kelly and Dr. Landstrom are sent to hunt Cassidy down, and Dr. Landstrom ends up finding her first. He tries to negotiate with Cassidy, and she convinces him to let her spend time socializing in the Cafeteria while hidden in return for going back to her cell afterwards. Cassidy has a great time, and Dr. Landstrom is able to endear himself to Dr. Kelly with the help of Cassidy. Cassidy returns to her cell and apologizes to Dr. Mendoza for breaking out.
Failed Termination Logs
Cassidy is locked in her cell again, and this time nobody even talks to her. She quickly becomes desperate for social interaction, but Dr. Mendoza is only interested in squeezing any information she can out of Cassidy. Cassidy kills herself thousands of times to try and escape after becoming desperate enough, but Dr. Mendoza has over a million flies prepared since the last containment breach. Cassidy becomes depressed.
Escape Log
Dr. Kelly pities Cassidy so much that she decides to help her escape. She brings a hidden fly into Cassidy’s cell, tells her by a note to respawn into it, then sneaks out with Cassidy hidden in her clothes. Cassidy thanks Dr. Kelly and then escapes, deciding that she can never return to the Foundation.
Final Conflict
While trying to escape through the vents, Cassidy discovers that Dr. Kelly has been detained for helping her escape. She finds an opening to the outside world, but decides to go back in and save her friend. Cassidy finds Dr. Landstrom, and the two agree on a plan to confront Dr. Mendoza. Cassidy brings up that Dr. Mendoza provoked it to escape before, therefore causing a containment breach, and promises to keep breaching containment unless Dr. Kelly is allowed to keep her job and Cassidy gets to spend time with her friends from now on. Site Director Max Maxwell agrees to the demands, and Dr. Landstrom and Kelly are made the heads of research into the SCP.
Date
Dr. Landstrom interviews Cassidy to request recordings of prior events, and she sets him up with Dr. Kelly. Happy ending.
Let me know if you have any suggestions to improve this before I start writing!
Science is the process of thinking God's thoughts after him
Making some revisions to the later logs in the outline.
Landstrom Log
Dr. Kelly and Dr. Landstrom are sent to hunt Cassidy down, and Dr. Landstrom ends up finding her first. He tries to negotiate with Cassidy, and she convinces him to let her spend time socializing in the Cafeteria while hidden. Dr. Landstrom is able to endear himself to Dr. Kelly with the help of Cassidy. Cassidy returns to her cell in order to see the birthday decorations placed there, and upon return is locked inside with Dr. Landstrom.
True Friends
Cassidy and Dr. Landstrom tries to escape with humorous shenanigans, but both fail. Dr. Landstrom’s pleading isn’t effective since releasing him would risk containment breach, and Cassidy’s suiciding can’t match the sheer number of flies gathered. They both bond while in prison, and eventually Dr. Kelly joins them with the bug cake. They are now all stuck in jail, and they throw a low-budget late birthday party for the entity. Cassidy is extremely moved, and even Dr. Landstrom starts to warm up to the entity. Cassidy falls asleep after the birthday party.
Escape Log
While Cassidy is sleeping Dr. Mendoza gasses the cell, knocking both Dr. Landstrom and Dr. Kelly unconscious. They are taken out of the cell by armed crews, and all the decorations are taken down. When Cassidy wakes up she is alone in confinement again, and this time there is nothing but bare walls (and the diary) in her cell. Cassidy asks to be let out, but Dr. Mendoza refuses and claims she will never release Cassidy again. Dr. Mendoza also reveals she has stockpiled nearly half a million flies in an adjacent room. Cassidy is despondent at first, but manages to escape by an unexpected application of her powers.
Final Conflict
After escaping, Cassidy travels through the vents in search of a way out of the Foundation. She soon finds a path that leads outside, but before she can flee she overhears researchers saying that Dr. Kelly is being detained and will soon be fired for breaking quarantine protocols. Cassidy decides to go back in and risk imprisonment to help her friend, and manages to maneuver her way to Dr. Kelly’s holding unit. The two have a heart-to-heart, and Cassidy reveals her backstory. They cook up a plan, and Cassidy leaves to find Dr. Landstrom. Together they put the plan into action. Cassidy and Dr. Landstrom both confront Dr. Mendoza, with Cassidy bringing up that Dr. Mendoza caused her to breach containment, and Dr. Landstrom brings up that Dr. Mendoza endangered the lives of researchers by gassing them. Cassidy threatens to get Dr. Mendoza fired for all this, and claims she will keep escaping unless her demands are met (one day outside a week and unlimited visitation rights.) Site Director Max Maxwell agrees to the demands, and Dr. Landstrom and Kelly are made the heads of research into the SCP.
Date
Dr. Landstrom interviews Cassidy to request recordings of prior events, and she sets him up with Dr. Kelly. Happy ending.
Science is the process of thinking God's thoughts after him
Note: For those of you looking to critique the draft but seeing summaries only, I'm in the process of re-writing, and will be done as soon as possible. I'll edit this note once the rewrite is finished, and in the meantime any feedback on my updated outline above or the first log (already finished) is still greatly appreciated!
Update 1: Parts 1/5 & 2/5 are complete. I've also added some new concepts, like a diary from Cassidy's POV to help readers understand her personal thoughts/feelings. I'm feeling very excited about the direction this rewrite is headed, and can't wait until it's finished!
Update 2: Part 3/5 is complete. Been very busy with school and freelancing, but I managed to find the time for finishing log three! I decided to roll it into log two, and made some other small revisions throughout. This one was a real gut punch to write, and I hope it has a similar emotional effect on you the reader. Cheers!
Update 3: Part 4/5 is done (can be found in tab three), though it's looking like it'll end up being part 4/6 in reality. I had a lot of trouble making this scene funny while keeping the emotional development from previous logs, so I hope it walks that tightrope well. Some things have changed from the outline as well, and I may update the outline down the line to reflect those changes.
Update 4: The work continues on parts 5 & 6. Taking my time since it's quite dialogue-heavy and mostly original material compared to some previous parts of the rewrite. I'll keep y'all posted as things develop.
Science is the process of thinking God's thoughts after him
Let's see what I can do for you.
I occasionally use sarcastic humor to lighten the mood during critiques, which can be awkward for both parties. Hopefully, it provides some levity.
Only one part of my boilerplate advice applies. Good job!
CONCEPT:
Alrighty, on to the LBL!
SPECIFICS:
SPaG1:
Description:
Since containment SCP-7097
You're missing a comma here. "Since containment, SCP-XXXX …"
ability on command,2 and may attempt
Two things of note here:
Tone:
Overall, the writing is highly competent, but the TabView has an issue. The tabs are simply numbered. I would code them as addenda.
Addendum-XXXX-3: Interaction Logs or something could work.
Formatting and Misc:
I have to say, this draft really bugged me in the best way possible! The concept of a sapient entity inhabiting fruit flies is certainly fly, and the anomalous olfactory detection ability is buzz-worthy. Can't wait to see how this flies in the final version!
Overall, I'm interested in seeing how the last three Tabs shake out. Once those are complete, PM me again, and I'll take another look!
"Sometimes you can approach feedback with a scalpel, sometimes only the sledgehammer approach will make your point clear."
~ Zyn - Forum Crit Team Captain @ The SCP Foundation
It took a long time (and some breaks for school/work stuff), but the Gossip Fly Rewrite is finally done!
As mentioned above the new version is up to six tabs instead of five, and the new word count is 11.5k words. For those of you who wish to review without going over the whole thing, I'd be happy to take crit for a single tab instead. Tabs 2,3,4, and 5 have the greatest changes, and are in most need of review. Especially tab 5.
Particular Questions/Advice:
Are there any parts that feel implausible/like a plot hole? If so, what?
What were your impressions of the main cast? Did any of their characters feel annoying/unbelievable?
Were there any parts you felt didn't need to be included? If so, what are they?
I look forward to your feedback, and can't wait to publish the new and improved Gossip Fly!
P.S.
The SCP numbering is from when this article was previously published. Changing it for every instance would take 15 minutes at least, so I've left it the way it is to save time. This isn't to call 'dibs', but just a matter of convenience.
Science is the process of thinking God's thoughts after him
Resummoned via PM.
Considering this has been changed significantly, I'm starting a new post here.
First, dialogue and characterization were a lot better than the last time I read this. However, I do feel you get a bit too close to generic/tropey characterization. The whole idea of "SCP are people too" is something that's been rather played out by itself. Not the worst thing in the world, seeing as this isn't a bad attempt at it, but people will draw comparisons.
However, I also feel that this article is a bit extreme. Mendoza feels rather cartoonishly evil. She just kind of experiments on the SCP for no real reason. Why is there a whole section where she just kills the SCP over and over? Feels needlessly evil. Her characterization and dialogue feel the weakest in this entire article to a rather pronounced detrimental effect.
The SCP itself has decent characterization, barring what I said earlier, however, that one section where the SCP has a sonic-based attack feels completely random and tacked on. I don't see why this was strictly necessary and feels a bit out of place.
The romantic angle between Mike and Grace was decent. The parts where Mike is embarrassed are not nearly as entertaining as the parts where he's being unintentionally goofy though. I felt that the parts where he says something that is objectively unfunny but Grace finds funny, far more genuine than a lot of the other interactions the two characters have.
The conclusion with the SCP and Mendoza was difficult for me to understand and it took multiple rereads for me to actually figure out what's going on, and even now I'm still not sure I have it correctly. As I understand it, Mendoza was essentially blackmailed using a technique I feel was modeled from 4238, but that could also be my ego talking.
I'm also not sure what's the whole thing with the Foundation agents about to fire on Mendoza. It feels really convenient (for the protagonists), tacked on narratively, and confusing as all hell, honestly.
Now, formatting wise, the tabs are a bit annoying. I had to scroll all the way back up after reading and it kind of broke the flow, sometimes significantly.
Overall, I feel this piece has improved significantly, but I do think the conclusion and characterization need a bit of work still to have a heavy hitting SCP. If you were to post now, I don't doubt it'd survive, but I do think it could be better.
Reresummoned via PM.
With the Site Director's approval, termination experiments were scheduled.
Still not sure why any termination experiment was authorized. Cold, not cruel, kind of makes this a bit extreme.
Was that… the only reason you promised me a party? Why you watched all those movies with me? Were you just… tricking me the whole time?
Why doesn't Kelly just tell Cassidy that they had prepared the party but Mendoza stopped them? This feels a bit contrived.
ACCESS PREVIOUS DOCUMENTATION
I'd remove this button. In-Universe, it makes sense to have. From a meta perspective, this can interrupt the flow of the article, especially if it's accidentally clicked.
Dr. Kelly: Eep! Sorry, but you were going bananas just now.
That "Eep" is kind of a weird thing to say.
Yes. I got every ability a super-spy could need: quiet wings, small size, secret detection, video and audio recording, not to mention I could kill myself on command if captured. Not that it mattered; after I failed their tests those bastards offed me and threw me out like garbage.
Very expository. I feel this could be edited to be more natural sounding.
Dr. Kelly: Everybody makes mistakes Cassidy, [smiling] us included.
I get this, but they could also be on the verge of dying. Feels tropey.
SCP-7097 [playing recording of SCP-████]: Freeze.
Very convenient. I'd say a bit too convenient. This also kind of makes the SCP a really big threat, which I'm not sure you want to have as a sort of "hanging blade."
SCP-7097 explains its plan to the Site Janitor, and the two travel towards the backup power generator room.
Cliche, not terribly annoying, but still definitely annoying.
The site janitor continues traveling towards the backup generator, meeting another enemy combatant along the way. He is already frozen in place.
Not sure this other enemy combatant is entirely necessary since this doesn't really come up again in the narrative.
[quietly] But thank you, for back there…
Feels a bit out of character.
I have experience dealing with him, so I will hunt him down before he causes any more trouble.
Why get the scientist to do that instead of an MTF? Maybe explain that she's joining an MTF designed to hunt this guy down.
Dr. Mendoza [smiling widely]: Why'd you think he's missing an eye?
Cliche. I'd edit this to be less "heh" in emotion.
Overall, not bad. The story moves along without necessarily lagging at any point, however, I feel the dialogue is definitely rather cliche in several locations, even beyond lines I specifically called out. The back half of the article definitely has a very generic feel to it, both in regards to plot elements and in dialogue. Very schlocky in nature and the characters kind of lose that organic feel that the first half had.
Ultimately, I think it's "Okay".
Hello! It me! Cack!
Line-by-line belowSince containment, SCP-7097 has breached its cell numerous times due to an anomalous ability to inhabit the nearest suitable Drosophila specimen after dying.
Don’t know if you want to have the “Since containment, SCP-7097 has breached its cell numerous times” part.
If sufficiently entertained SCP-7097 will become dormant and unresponsive.
Add a comma after “entertained”.
SCP-7097 has an innate sense for secrets, which testing determined is a form of anomalous olfactory detection. SCP-7097 often utilizes this sense during communication, and it has been known to make unsolicited remarks about Foundation staff and/or initiate games such as truth or dare. The physical lifespan of SCP-7097 is no more than approximately one month, and new instances of the entity possess the same mannerisms and memories as the original.
That last sentence seems out of place, and I personally feel as though it would fit better in the previous paragraph.
Following reports of feeling "like a geezer" the entity expired,
Add a comma after “geezer”.
attempted to initiate unauthorized recreational activities.
What does this mean?
[Audio Only Log, 19:29 Hours]
SCP-7097 attempts to wink with its compound eyes.
Hmmm…
Dr. Mendoza [Muttering]:
SCP-7097 [hushed]:
Either take the capital off of “Muttering” or add a capital to “hushed”. Keep these changes throughout the article.
Foreword: Following the last containment breach SCP-7097 made numerous requests
Add a comma after “breach”.
SCP-7097: [yawns] what's with all the racket…
Capitalize “what”.
SCP-7097 [curious]: What's that thing you're holding?
I don’t know about italicizing “thing”.
Dear Diary,
Today is the best day ever!
My bestie Grace said she's gonna set up a birthday party for me with decorations and streamers and balloons and everything! I had to die a bunch for science, but it's ok because pretty soon I'm gonna finally get to meet everyone.
I can't wait to make a million new friends!
This, along with other parts, feels weird. On one hand, she feels like a 2010s teen, but on the other hand, she feels like an elementary schooler.
Dr. Landstrom: You mean the skip?
Small thing, but general note: Researchers say Ess-See-Pee (or some version of that) and MTFs say skip.
SCP-7097 [whispering]: Well it sounds pervy when you put it that way
Add a period.
Video feeds show SCP-7097 concealed in the hat's fabric.
Thats crazy bro
How'd you think I'm doin?
Add an apostrophe after “doin”.
SCP-7097 [Muttering]: You won’t have to go far
Add a period.
Site Director Maxwell [Through Intercom]: That's enough.
Why the color change?
The response was as follows:
Why have this?
Even an idiot could figure out your little secret, and when it comes to secrets I'm Albert [EXPLETIVE] Einstein.
Maybe add a comma after “secrets”?
Dr. Kelly sent a private message to Site Director Max Maxwell. The following was his reply:
Again, no reason to include this in the file, then.
I'll put it through the standard review protocol and let you know in about a week
Add a period.
Are there any parts that feel implausible/like a plot hole? If so, what?
The biggest one for me is the fact that security cameras caught a fruit fly hiding in a hat.
What were your impressions of the main cast? Did any of their characters feel annoying/unbelievable?
Nope. The mood changes were a bit weird, though.
Were there any parts you felt didn't need to be included? If so, what are they?
Not anything off the top of my head, no. YES, in terms of in universe stuff, there’s no noticeable reason to include the replies to Mendoza and Kelly’s emails in the actual file.
Thanks to everyone who send their feedback, I really appreciate the time and effort you're putting in to help make sure my debut article is the best it can possibly be!
From what I've gathered the two main faults are the ending, which is long and confusing, and the characterization of the antagonist Dr. Mendoza. I'm working on a new ending that will hopefully resolve both problems, along with some other minor changes to the rest of the logs in the draft.
With regard to format and style issues, the degree to which I can resolve some of them is limited by my knowledge of Wikidot syntax. I'm going to experiment with different ways of formatting the draft, but I want to keep the tab system since it greatly minimizes lag on the draft page. I'll also make changes to titles and dialogue bits and bobs once the narrative issues have been fully resolved.
The outline for the new ending is complete, and I'll begin writing it today.
Science is the process of thinking God's thoughts after him
The new ending is complete, along with some changes to log six. I've also spent considerable amounts of time working on getting list pages to show on my draft, but it's currently giving some trouble.
The main sandbox page is pretty fucked up thanks to the list page stuff, but the fragments are all complete and seem to be working well. Anybody with advice on why the list pages aren't working correctly, please let me know!
I'll continue making revisions, and I'll put up an update once the new version is complete!
Update: The list pages module is set up and working, aside from some minor cosmetic issues.
Second Update: All other minor changes have been made.
The ending (Log Five) was totally overhauled, and some major changes were made to log Four were also made. The remaining logs had small changes.
I set up a list pages module to divide the draft in a way that's readable and won't cause unbearable amounts of lag. Furthermore, this allows me to apply addendums to the description and conprocs as the story evolves, which was an added bonus. Some cosmetic details still need tinkering though.
I decided to keep the replies to Drs. Mendoza and Kellys' emails since they serve a narrative purpose, and I kept some emotion indicators in dialogue (with the caveat of only including emotions that would be audibly obvious through tone of speech, like being angry or happy.)
Huge thanks to everyone who advised and critted the previous version of the draft, and I look forward to your thoughts on the current version! The link is changed, since I needed to rename the draft to enable list page functionality.
Here is the new link: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/collab:zenobiyl
Bonus Update: The cosmetic issues with the list pages has been resolved, thanks to some expert help in the discord.
Draft Update: MOAR REVISIONS!!!
A list of changes:
Science is the process of thinking God's thoughts after him
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