Money Doesn't Grow on Trees!

Summary:

A joke SCP Article that reveals the ugly truth behind the SCP Foundations funding.

Money Doesn't Grow on Trees!

Penguini 26 Feb 2023 04:23

Hey all! I recently had an idea about a potential joke scip and decided to make a quick rough draft about it. The draft is pretty short (a little over 500 words) and has a relatively simple punchline. I'm going for a quick, effective light hearted article with more focus on setup and less focus on narrative. All feedback is appreciated, but some big crits Im hoping for:
-SpaG
-Article Structure (does the punchline land? Do I need more? Less?)
-Writing Style (I struggle a bit with clinical tone)
-Has the idea been done before?
-Less necessary, but if anyone knows coding that can make some sections look nicer please let me know!!

If you're interested in reading, here is the draft: https://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/penguini
Its the second tab
Also I understand this scip is very thaumiel but I like the new ACS and for some reason its not showing secondary object classes

Last edited on 01 Mar 2023 03:10 by Penguini Show more

Critique Team - Captain Post

Zyn 05 Mar 2023 08:03

Since this thread has been on the listing for a week without a reply yet, this is a quick general information post from staff for the author. If you are still seeking feedback on this material, please remember to contact reviewers directly to request critique (if you haven't already reached out).

This thread has information on reaching out to reviewers: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews

If you have already contacted multiple reviewers and received no reply, feel free to ask a staff member for assistance finding a reviewer.

Last edited on 05 Mar 2023 08:09 by Zyn Show more

Re: Money Doesn't Grow on Trees!

caspian2 11 Mar 2023 05:57

Summoned by PM:

+ crit

Any unauthorized staff personnel that wishes to learn about SCP-XXXX-J is to be given the file known as Failsafe-XXXX-J.

"wishes" -> "wish". Do check the rest of your article for SPaG errors.

After the summary has been written, it is to be presented to the 05 council.

I'm questioning if you really need to break this down into so many steps. This Summary-writing part could have simply be condensed into a single sentence. Unless it's essential to the containment of the scp, cut it out.

Failsafe-XXXX-J is a series of fabricated documentation.

I don't understand what this means. You can't have a "series" of "documentation," as "documentation is an uncountable noun. You can have a "series" of "documents", instead.

Failsafe-XXXX-J is not to be downloaded on any personal devices.

I'm not too sure what these conprocs are meant to accomplish. They're overly explained in many regards, and the overall impression I'm getting is that this scp has something to do with money, requires frequent documentation, and falsifying of official records.

are sent directly to the chambers of the 05 council.

"chambers" is not clinical enough. Replace with "offices".

Whenever SCP-XXXX-J manifests, various amounts of currency5 are sent directly to the chambers of the 05 council. These manifestations are to be known as instances of SCP-XXXX-J. These instances are either sent virtually or physically.

The way these sentences are phrased makes it confusing. What are the "manifestations" referring to? The scp itself (which is what, btw?), or the money? I'm guessing "instances" refers to the money? Try to be clear and specific about what you're describing. If SCP-XXXX-J is a separate entity, then you need to spend some time describing it as well.

These instances not only imply that SCP-XXXX-J is aware of the location of the 05 council, but also that it is aware of the actual identities of the council.

I don't see the implication? If the money is transferred to their bank accounts, I highly doubt the O5-Council would be listing their actual registered names on the records. This has to be thought through a little more thoroughly, I think.

This indicates that SCP-XXXX-J is omniscient.

Again, how did we arrive at this conclusion?

okay, I'm gonna stop the LBL here, as the rest of my issues with the draft are conceptual in nature.

+ Overall

(-) Concept, message, and tone are unclear. I tried to key in some fake details in the 2nd addendum, but got brought to an error page, and then it linked me back to the scp sandbox homepage. Was this intentional?

Moreover, I just don't see why this is a Joke scp. What was the punchline you were aiming for, if any? The concept comes across more as satire, but I'm not what you're trying to satirise. Is it something to do with where the Foundation gets they're funding from?

(+/-) Pacing and structure can be streamlined a little. You have multiple moving parts, so I would recommend trimming the conprocs and then expanding on what each anomalous entity and effect takes place, and why they're significant.

I still don't understand the inclusion of both addendums, so perhaps more of a set-up might be needed in order to deliver your punchline, whatever it may be.

Overall, I would down-vote this if it was posted on the mainlist. If you decide to revise the draft / respond below, do drop me another PM and I'll try to take another look. All the best for now!