Disclaimer: I crit as I read
Anyways, let's jump right in:
SCP-XXXX is to be kept in a standard humanoid containment cell that resembles a one-room apartment and is equipped with basic human needs. SCP-XXXX may request additional items with the approval of a level 3 personnel or higher. SCP-XXXX is only permitted out of her containment with permission and with supervision.
This, and the rest of the Special Containment Procedures are all… normal stuff that The Foundation always provides for humanoids? Check-ins with mental state, basic human needs, etc. those are all normal and necessary. Also, you keep referring to the anomaly as "she" even though The Foundation would refer to it as an object.
Monope" (pronounced Mon-ope)
That's literally the name, but with a break. Not entirely sure if that clarifies pronunciation?
unknown descent, but physical characteristics suggest that she is of European descent
You said descent twice. Unnecessary repetitions bother me, probably just because I'm picky. I'd suggest mentioning European "features" or "appearance" and cutting out the second descent part
SCP-XXXX has the ability to travel through different realities, however, this ability seems to only manifest when she is in a state of mental distress.
I'd suggest flip-flopping this. When XXXX is in a state of mental distress, it has the ability to travel through different realities. Or something like that. Helps the flow.
Interviewer: Dr. Zimmer
Right, remember to bold parts like "Interviewer" "Interviewed" and basically all those name/title sections in interviews.
“Hello SCP-XXXX, how are you?”
You don't need quotations, it's an interview.
I am doing well! Can you refrain from using SCP-XXXX as my name?
Ah. Right off the bat—
I was born in Celestia, which used to be a nice and respectable country.
Celestia… sounds familiar. Not sure whether that's the intention or not.
My parents had a decent income because of Celestia's Job Act of 1972. And because of that my parents could afford many things that I and my siblings wanted.
Add a comma for: "… because of that, my parents.." Also, it would be "my siblings and I"
Can you tell me what ‘it’ was?
Could you explain?
A brief silence
Don't understand why that's bolded? Normally italicized within parenthesis
ex: (A brief silence) along with time, like (A brief silence for a period of XX seconds)
Sorry, I can’t talk right now, I am getting too emotional from thinking about ‘it’.
Right. This sentence bothers me. XXXX is getting all emotional but isn't really… showing that? It sounds quite blunt, instead of saying something like, I feel upset, or describing emotions, just bluntly saying "I feel too emotional". May just be that I'm a cynic, but if my mind immediately popped to an idea of The Foundation wanting to keep the anomaly for researching, and not wanting it to hop off to other dimensions, and trying to prevent "mental breakdowns". This anomaly could be using that to its advantage, and at any inconvenience, going "i feel… UPSET"
Honestly, just my thoughts
Oh, that. So ‘it’ was a war that started between my country and our neighboring country, Emperoa.
Wow. That was also fast? I'm pretty sure that even after thinking it over, there would be more hesitation?
And I was correct.
"right" flows better
I just ran behind a tree just so I could get privacy
Two "just"s. I'm a bit picky, like I said before, and I'd suggest cutting unnecessary repitition.
which then I realized that I did not just transport to a place, but a different world entirely
"Which made me realize"? "And then I realized"?
down, which then I teleported
"after which"
You're welcome. I’m glad that I got this story off my chest because I really needed to tell someone.
…
I'm sorry, this is just really reminding me of middle school student/guidance counselor dynamics
Alright, all in all—
I have to admit I'm not very fond of this SCP as it is
The plot seems… questionable within this execution, the dialogue is blunt and boring, and nothing is really standing out to me as something I enjoyed.
If anything, it only reminded me of troubles I had with counselors as a child, which just bothered me yet more.
Mental health is a fairly sensitive topic to many people. Your anomaly seems to depend on it, yet you're not emphasizing on it very much.
To be entirely honest, you're not emphasizing on anything enough.
I would heavily suggest rewriting this. Read through the dialogue and hear whether scenes sound natural, or cliché and forced.
A lot of the plot devices (ex. XXXX requesting to be called by actual name, XXXX feeling stressed/unwilling to talk about backstory at first, Researcher agreeing to wait, XXXX eventually telling, feeling better at the end) have been used many times, and if you do want to keep them, should be executed in a more believable and natural manner.
Well, anyways, that's about it for now!
There's my (slightly more than) two cents.
Feel free to pop me a PM with a reply/any changes/questions
Good luck,
Silver
