1.) From what I can gather, the idea that you are wanting to instill in your readers is that D class subjects are being treated poorly, but I’m not sure how I feel about it as it stands. The message is really shallow. There isn’t really much to it, and I find it kind of odd that after the D-class subject says “I think I’m ready to go back to prison now,” there is no mention at all of the D-class subject. It just… kind of ends.
2.) Kind of piggybacking off of that, Harrison walking in and using the gun pulled all the attention away from the previously established conflict, and at the peak of said conflict. Honestly, the character of Harrison doesn’t really add anything to the article. I would argue that they take away from it. Harrison’s personal log is an extremely odd way to end the article, and the article could easily exist without him.
3.) The article is generally hard to read. The description, for example, could have easily been edited to be more readable.
In fact -
This is the description as is.
SCP-XXXX has been examined by a firearms expert, who has confirmed - to the best of his expertise - that it is a genuine antique example of the Nagant M1895 revolver pistol.
Manufactured in the early 1900s; the weapon is in good condition for its age.
Upon visual examination, x-ray, and EMF scan, no anomalous properties are apparent.
Now, by merging these 3 paragraphs into one,
SCP-XXXX has been examined by a firearms expert, who has confirmed - to the best of his expertise - that it is a genuine antique example of the Nagant M1895 revolver pistol. Manufactured in the early 1900s; the weapon is in good condition for its age. Upon visual examination, x-ray, and EMF scan, no anomalous properties are apparent.
It’s easier to understand, and makes the article seem more professional. Each paragraph doesn’t need to be tiny, like they are now.
4.) There are also various other SPaG errors, such as using the wrong form of “it’s,” some capitalization problems, etc. If you would like help with the SPaG of your article, feel free to let me know, and I can comb through the article and fix some errors for you.
5.) The anomalous properties and description really didn’t need to be their own separate sections. They could have easily been in one section titled “description.”
6.) And just a small nitpick,
Blake: Please, do not interrupt me again "D-class." Pick up the gun.
I personally think that making the bold “not” into an italicized not would give it more impact, since there are already a decent amount of bolded text in the article.
That’s all from me. If you’d like me to take a look at a revised draft, feel free to PM me.
Edit: One more thing I should mention - take extreme caution when writing about suicide. As it stands, this isn’t majorly offensive. But as someone who struggles with severe anxiety and depression, it’s a bit off-putting for me. It’s not something that I would generally like to think about, let alone read an SCP about. Please be careful that you don’t offend anyone as you write.
