Musical Creatures

Summary:

Dr. Al and 5 creatures capable of producing instrument sounds.

Musical Creatures

Blubliblob350 17 Jan 2023 17:29

Greenlights: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-15297165/musical-creatures-seeking-greenlights

Draft: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/blubliblob350-2 ~2,511 words

Quick Summary: The SCP consists of a set of 5 spherical creatures that can produce an enormous variety of sounds including musical instrument sounds. A researcher called Dr. Al teaches them during class sessions music theory, but also many other things, including performing on stage.

As this is my first SCP article, I would like the review to include all or most of the essential points to be concerned to improve my article best. This includes characterization, conceptualization, formatting, grammar, and other more or less necessary points and techniques.

εїз

Reverend Fox 18 Jan 2023 07:03

Let's see what I can do for you.

Some advice first.

++ Show Advice ++

• Your clinical tone is weak in places. I'll show you a few instances of this in the specifics, but in the meantime, check out these awesome and helpful articles on tone:
  • How-To-Write-an-SCP
  • Clinical Tone Declassified
• You've labeled your scip as SAFE, but it more closely matches EUCLID for a few reasons:
  • These are living creatures which require care and maintenance. Not to mention the multi-room containment chamber.
  • Dr. Al has to remain assigned to this anomaly despite likely being involved in other research.
  • For more information on Containment Classes, head on over to this article:
    • Object Classes by Aelanna
• There are some unnecessary redactions in your draft that don't really help your story. Check out this helpful article on the topic:
  • Avoid the Blackbox by MalyceGraves
• For small numbers, write them out. "2 small eyes" = "two small eyes"
• Keep your descriptions concise to avoid confusion or, even worse, reader fatigue.

And now, on with the crit:

++ Show Full Crit ++

CONCEPT:

• What I liked:
  • Alright, so you have this wholesome anomaly what just wants to communicate through musical sounds. I love it!
    • I especially appreciate the attachment between the anomaly and Dr. Al, especlially with that last e-mail.
• What I didn't like as much:
  • Honestly, I sat for about five minutes literally trying to find something to dislike about the concept. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Good job!

SPECIFICS:

Given the length of your draft, I'll only be pointing out a couple instances of any repeated issue and hopefully point you in the right direction for hunting down and fixing the rest.

SPaG¹
Your SPaG is pretty on-point. I didn't notice any egregious errors except for:

• "… sizeable …" -> "sizable"

Clinical Tone
This is probably the largest weakness of your draft. There is an overall casual tone to the whole thing that definitely feels more like someone telling a story than writing official documentation.

The first glaring issue I'd like to point out is that the document refers to the researchers by their first names. While fine in a casual capacity, they would be referred to by "Dr. Firstname Lastname" on the first mention then "Dr. Lastname" from there on.

• "SCP-XXXX-A to -D -E's containment chamber consists of a sizeable sound-isolated containment chamber at Site-17 separated into a "playing and living area" and a "classroom"." -> I will provide a rewrite option for you to use momentarily.
  • "SCP-XXXX-A to -D -E's containment chamber …" -> The ConProcs should show the containment procedures for the anomaly as a whole unless the individual parts must be contained separately for whatever reason.
  • The term "sizable" is too broad. For a mouse, one might consider a desk drawer a sizable living space. For a humanoid giant, an arena.
  • The individual chambers can be presented in a clearer way.

Check out this re-write option:

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be housed in a dual-chamber humanoid containment unit, modified to include significant sound isolation. The two chambers are designated as follows:

• Primary — This is to be SCP-XXXX's living quarters.
• Secondary — This is to be SCP-XXXX's classroom.

The above will also help you tighten up the tone of the proceeding two paragraphs.

• "The "playing and living area" consists of a child's play-like area with several slides and hiding spots."
  • Working from the advice above, this can be tightened down like this, "The primary chamber is configured in a similar fashion to that of a children's daycare. Furnishings include plastic slides, blocks, and hiding places."
• "The "classroom" part is smaller than the previous one." -> I will provide a rewrite option for this paragraph momentarily.
  • Try, "The secondary chamber is smaller than the primary and is furnished with the following:"
• "… 4 5 carpets, 4 5 chairs …" -> I'll mention here that the scratchouts are overly redundant and only interrupt the flow of your narrative. Secondarily, small numbers that are not measurements should be written out.
  • Another issue with the constant scratchouts is the fact that it almost spoils what could be a pleasant surprise or "d'awww" moment when the -E instance is "born."
• "… standard classroom-like whiteboard …" -> Unfortunately, there is no set standard for equipment such as whiteboards. Try, "… a portable standing whiteboard …"

Check out this rewrite option:

The secondary chamber is smaller than the primary and is furnished with the following:

• One small carpet, chair, and table for each instance
• One portable standing whiteboard with markers
• One A/V system
• One teacher's desk and chair

• "SCP-XXXX is the designation given to 4 5 spherical creatures SCP-XXXX-A to SCP-XXXX-D SCP-XXXX-E."
  • This can be tightened up like this, "SCP-XXXX is a collective of five spherical creatures."
  • From there, you can describe their general appearance and then what distinguishes them from one another.
• "Lots of strange, long, taut fibers run through these ears." -> Extraneous description here.
  • Try, "Within SCP-XXXX's secondary ears are long, delicate fibers."

---

As I'm currently traveling for work, I have to condense the rest of my crit to nits and picks and skim the rest.

• "entities" -> I would suggest only referring to the blobs as "Instances of SCP-XXXX" or just "SCP-XXXX" unless you're referring to a specific instance.
• "Probably because of its young age, SCP-XXXX-E does not have a favorite type of sound for communication like the other entities of SCP-XXXX." -> This could be tightened thusly, "Likely due to its younger age, SCP-XXXX-E does not seem to have a preferential sound profile²."
• "… on the ██/██/████ (approximately ████████ after the factory closed) at around ████ a.m. …" -> Examples of unnecessary redactions.
  • Also, if you're going to specify a date in a numerical format³, you wouldn't use "the" infront of the date. That would be used for spelling out the date entirely, "I'm writing this crit on Prickle-Prickle, the 19^th of Chaos in the YoLD 3189."
• In Addendum XXXX-2, I don't understand why you've chosen to emphasize 'split' and 'give birth' in italics.
  • Secondarily, Footnote 2 is a bit… hand-holdy in that you can simply say, "This process strongly resembles cellular mitosis."
• "… ability to learn, quite quickly." -> Unnecessary comma. Also, adverbs of degree such as 'quite' are not completely in-line with clinical tone.
• Lastly, there are a few odd phrasings in the last e-mail.
  • "… way for me to stress out from …" -> I think you mean to indicate that he uses it to unwind or de-stress.
  • "… sometimes it's quite uneasy to stay focused …" -> Uneasy is not the right word here. I think you mean 'difficult'.

Alrighty, I apologize for the wait and the long crit! However, I really like the idea you're going for here and want to see it succeed! It just needs work.

While working on it, or once you're ready for a re-crit, feel free to head on over to #TheCritters on the IRC for some realtime help and advice! Trust me, they're amazing over there!

And that's all I've got for ya today! Sorry if it was a little scattered.

~ footnotes ~

Footnotes

1. Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar

2. Awh, man! Forgot to install the soundfonts on the new hardware! [j/k]

3. IE; dd/mm/yyyy, mm/dd/yyyy, etc.

ETA: Made a correction to the advice section re: Classifications. I'm a dumb sometimes!

---

"Sometimes you can approach feedback with a scalpel, sometimes only the sledgehammer approach will make your point clear."
~ Zyn - Forum Crit Team Captain @ The SCP Foundation

Last edited on 20 Jan 2023 20:33 by Reverend Fox Show more

Re: εїз

Blubliblob350 20 Jan 2023 18:58

Hey Reverend Fox!
First I would like to thank you for all your advice and the time you spent focusing on my draft!

I still have some questions:

+ Open

You've labeled your scip as SAFE, but it more closely matches KETER for a few reasons

I've read the Object Classes document you suggested in your post and I still don't really understand why it should be better labeled as Keter:

• My SCP can be easily contained, poses no threat to anybody, is very docile, and can stop producing sound after being ordered to do so.

Dr. Al has to remain assigned to this anomaly despite likely being involved in other research.

• Dr. Al doesn't have to be constantly assigned to the anomaly, it's more like he wants it. Also, Dr. Al will be assigned to other anomalies¹, and this is also why I wrote in the special containment procedures:

except when Dr. Al is not present on the site. In this case, they need to be in their containment chamber. Despite this, Level 2 (or above) personnel can still visit SCP-XXXX within its containment while accompanied by a guard.

• In addition, I'd like to mention that the instances are authorized to roam within Site-17, with many people, so I don't think it goes well with the Keter object class.

I think the solution is to give it the EUCLID class because the instances can move on their own, produce sounds without any specific trigger, potentially multiply, have basic intelligence, needs care, and so on.

---

I think that's all for now, if I have any other questions, I'll point them out during our next discussion.

Thank you again for all that! I'll try my best to improve my article as you suggested!

Footnotes

1. in my future scp articles, you guessed it

Re: εїз

Reverend Fox 20 Jan 2023 20:28

Thank you for the feedback on my critique! Very much appreciated! :)

~ Quick Response ~

I think the solution is to give it the EUCLID class

Aye, Euclid is what I meant. Sorry, my advice section is a boilerplate template, and I forgot to change Keter to Euclid. Thank you for pointing that out to me! :)

Dr. Al doesn't have to be constantly assigned to the anomaly, it's more like he wants it.

This gives me a greater insight into Dr. Al's personality and character! Good choice! I'd love to see where he can go from here!

Thanks again, Blu! When you get to a point where you're ready for a re-crit, please feel free to reach out again!

---

"Sometimes you can approach feedback with a scalpel, sometimes only the sledgehammer approach will make your point clear."
~ Zyn - Forum Crit Team Captain @ The SCP Foundation

Re: Musical Creatures

Blubliblob350 30 Jan 2023 17:42

Hey Reverend Fox!

Sorry for the wait, I was busy the last few days and didn't have much time for writing, but now I'm back! I have improved my article and am ready if you have time for a new crit!

My draft: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/blubliblob350-2

Summary of major edits:

+ Close

• Rewrote some parts of the Special Containment Procedures as you previously suggested.
• Rewrote the part of the Description indicating the sound profiles of the different instances with a table, to keep it concise and avoid unnecessary repetitions. (Here is the original part if needed:)

ORIGINAL:
Each of SCP-XXXX instances seems to have a favorite type of sound for general purposes and everyday communication.

• SCP-XXXX-A often communicates through the sounds of bowed string instruments such as the violin, cello, or erhu.
• SCP-XXXX-B often communicates through the sounds of wind instruments such as the saxophone, pan flute, clarinet, or ocarina.
• SCP-XXXX-C often communicates through the sounds of idiophone percussion instruments such as the xylophone, marimba, or steel drum.
• SCP-XXXX-D often communicates through the sounds of keyboard instruments such as the piano, organ, or synthesizers.
• Likely due to its younger age, SCP-XXXX-E does not seem to have a preferential sound profile like the other instances of SCP-XXXX. Indeed, for the moment, the sounds it uses for communication and general purposes are often high-pitched by instruments from all categories, such as the flute, the violin, the xylophone, or the theremin.

• Added real dates instead of ██/██/████.
• Wrote the Incident XXXX-1 part (in Addendum XXXX-4) I've imagined a few days ago.
• Labeled the anomaly as Euclid.
• Other minor edits: Rewrote small numbers, avoided the scratchouts, and others.

Thank you for giving me all your advice which has been extremely useful so far!

Re: Musical Creatures (casual crit)

Zircon Exists 01 Feb 2023 14:19

I would like to say the idea is very nice!
The drafting is also done very well,
my only recommendation would be correcting the states in which thing occur:
i.e: "panic sounds" -> "Panicked sounds"

May your dreams be filled with stars!

Re: Musical Creatures

Zoobeeny 01 Feb 2023 14:19

Summoned from IRC.

Crits Galore

So, I wasn't specifically hunting for SPaG or clinical tone or anything like that, just reading through and seeing how the piece felt overall. (Though I will say that you do use "Indeed" four times, in all cases being mostly unnecessary and throws off the tone and flow of the piece heavily.)

First off, I thought it was cute. Very warm, very wholesome kind of article, the likes of which I haven't really read since Tubbioca.

However, I felt it was meaningless. Like, there was no real story here. I felt a little stuff coming from Dr. Al towards the end regarding the inherent danger of working for the Foundation, but otherwise, the story largely felt pointless. That it was just a way to write about very cute creatures doing cute musical things.

I read the original greenlight thread, and honestly, I don't see anything there either besides "the SCP learn to make music".

Problem is, you don't really show us any of that growth. You do have the "in training" section for each music class, but it's glossed over. We don't actually see the SCP learn. We're just told, "oh yeah, they learned how to do it." And that's it.

I'd suggest taking a look at murder monster for what I think is a great example of showing the growth of an SCP.

I feel like we need to be able to see how the SCP learns and grows so that we can truly appreciate what is essentially the life story of these creatures.

Suggestions that may help:

1. Stretch out individual learning scenes. Show us the creatures interacting with Dr. Al instead of just saying "yeah we did it!" Maybe use video log transcripts?
2. Show us the hardships. These things can't communicate (yet). So how does Dr. Al teach? Maybe show us that?
3. The SCP is taught a lockdown drill. Maybe have that come into play at least once?

Re: Musical Creatures

Blubliblob350 04 Feb 2023 15:25

Hey Zoobeeny!

Thank you for your very well-made crit! I agree with your remarks, which are based on interesting aspects I've not deeply imagined at first but can make my article improved and the story more complete.

Although your advice is absolutely useful for me, I think that adding it directly to the article would make it really long, with lots of documents and paragraphs. All the test logs, video logs, or other additional documents that would be added would make it extended, and maybe even difficult to read, and I think that this significant increase in the article's length and word count may cause some kind of reader fatigue or laziness.

I think the solution is to add it to an additional page, as we can see in many SCPs.

Thanks again for your advice!