Let's see what I can do for you.
Be forewarned, I use sarcastic humor here and there as a way to lighten the mood. Crits are always a bit awkward for both parties involved, so it breaks up the monotony and, hopefully, causes a chuckle every once in a while.
Some advice first.
- Your clinical tone seems a little weak in places. I'll show you a few instances of this in the specifics, but in the meantime, check out these awesome and helpful articles on tone:
- There are some unnecessary redactions in your draft that don't really help your story. Check out this helpful article on the topic:
- Avoid the Blackbox by
MalyceGraves
- Sidenote, I like the two spots where you put "[REDACTED]". It makes the reader stop and think for a moment, realize the joke, and read on. These are redactions done right because they enhance the reading experience!
- For small numbers, write them out.
- "2 Scranton Reality Anchors" = "two Scranton Reality Anchors"
- "1 hour" = "one hour"
Note: Before getting into the specifics themselves, let me show you some formatting for the interview logs.
Format:
//Interview Transcript XXXX-Y//
> **__Interviewer:__** [name 1]
> **__Interviewee:__** [name 2]
> [blank space after `>' even if there is no text to follow]
> **Dr. Blair:** First line of each name, you will want to...
>
> **Dr. Hamilton:** ... write out the full last name of your researcher, doctor, etc. and then abbreviate after.
>
> **Dr. B.:** With exception to SCP-XXXX designations, of course.
>
> @@[@@//Actions should be easily distinguished from dialogue. I've always found it useful to use these strange tidbits of code. Bookend the actions with them, in the order you see here, and you'll have a better time of it!//@@]@@
> **Dr. H:** @@[@@//Short action performed in-line. Dr. H. spills his drink on his //brand new// labcoat.//@@]@@ //Nooooooooooo.....//!
That comes out looking like this…
Interview Transcript XXXX-Y
Interviewer: Dr. Blair
Interviewee: Dr. J. Hamilton
[blank space after ‘>’ even if there is no text to follow]
Dr. Blair: Hello, Dr. Hamilton.
Dr. Hamilton: Hello, yourself, Kate. Why am I in the infirmary, and, more importantly, why can't I feel my legs?
Dr. B.: Because you're already dead, Jim.
[Dr. H. exhibits signs of severe distress.]
Dr. H: Nooooooooooo…..!
This is going to seem a bit overly nitpicky. The reason for this is because I want to see this piece succeed!
CONCEPT:
- As mentioned in PMs, I love this concept! The character development shown by both Isaac and Dr. Iszth is well-paced and comes to a satisfying conclusion!
- Humanoids are difficult to write without turning them into OP/OTT Supers. Isaac, while technically an OP being, is still grounded in human emotions and confusions.
- Personal opinion, the tonal shift from Addendum A to Addendum B is handled perfectly. I also appreciate that the reality-bending comedy doesn't overstay its welcome. Good job there!
- Lastly, I can't find a single goddessdamned thing to say in the negative about the concept and story presented here!
- Favorite lines:
- SCP-XXXX: To partake in the local baked goods.
- They have all these fucking marble statues and pretty dresses wishing for love and beauty, but when a literal God of love shows up and whips his [REDACTED] out it's suddenly heretical?
Alrighty, on to the LBL!
SPECIFICS:
SPaG:
- ConProcs
- "… and gender affirming treatment." -> There should be a hyphen, "… and gender-affirming treatment." This is because the term 'gender-affirming' is a singular thing. Sorry, I don't remember the actual terminology to describe hyphenated words in this manner.
- "This is not optional people. -> There should be a comma before 'people' due to this being directly addressed to on-site personnel. Try, "… not optional, people."
- "If anyone refuses to comply they will answer to me directly, I will not repeat myself.// -> Missing comma, misused comma, and odd phrasing here. Try, "If anyone refuses to comply, they will answer directly to me. I will not repeat myself."
- Description
- "… to a significantly high degree, often using this …" -> While a comma isn't incorrect here, a semicolon would be more in-line with this sort of documentation. Try, "… degree; often using …"
- "… for it's own amusement …" -> The apostrophe here isn't necessary as the possessive form of 'it' is 'its'.
- "… these abilities and the full extent of …" -> Two independent clauses which likely should be resolved with a period, "… these abilities. The full extent of …"
- "… bipolar disorder, and gender dysphoria." -> No critiism here. Just wanted to thank you for using the Oxford comma! :)
- Addenda
- "… held a long standing pagan belief …" -> Missing hyphen in 'long-standing'.
- "… PoI in question and their arrival …" -> Missing comma before 'and'.
- "… security cameras, phones, Agent S██'s body cam along with …" -> I would re-word this as, "… security cameras, mobile phones, and Agent S██'s body cam, along with first-hand accounts, were used …"
- "… fancily dressed performers …" -> Sorry to keep harping on hyphenation, but 'fancily-dressed'.
- "Its gait is uneven and it appears dishevelled[sic] and drunk, drinking from a bottle in a brown paper bag." -> Odd sentence structure here. I would tighten it down like this, "Its gait is gait is uneven, indicating heavy intoxication. It appears disheveled and is drinking from a bottle in a brown paper bag."
- "… with the seeming intent stop the disruption." -> Odd phrasing here. I would try, "… with the apparent intent to stop …"
- "Now tell me Subject, why were you in the …" -> Adressing Subject. Try, "Now tell me, Subject. Why were you …"
- "Whatever the fuck you've done to me it can't last forever. It's giving me a splitting headache and I feel like shit but I swear I'll turn your skin inside out as soon as it wears off." -> This is normally something I would call out, but the nature of this line as-is perfectly conveys the confusion and panic Isaac is feeling!
- Question - Is Isaac yelling at Dr. Iszth by the end of this line? If so - and I rarely suggest something like this - maybe add another 'fucking' there at the end, "… as soon as it fucking wears off!"
- As far as SPaG goes, the same issues can be found scattered through the rest, so I'll move on.
Tone:
- ConProcs
- "… has been rendered almost impossible." -> I would use, "… nearly impossible."
- "All additions are to be reviewed and approved or denied by Dr. Iszth." -> This is a little vague. I'd suggest, "All requests are to be reviewed solely by Dr. Iszth for approval or denial."
- Description
- "… often reacting extremely negatively …" -> Adverbs of degree such as 'extremely' are not in-line with clinical tone and can be excised.
- Addenda
- "… one draws a gun and tells them to 'freeze' before a large pile of snow drops on their head, knocking them over and burying them (it is unknown where this snow manifested from)." -> Overly wordy. I would tighten it like, "… one officer draws his service pistol and orders SCP-XXXX to freeze. A large pile of snow manifests from an unknown source and falls on the officers, burying them and rendering them incapacitated."
- The reference pronoun for SCP-XXXX gets swapped back and forth between "it/its" and "they/theirs" in the various addenda. I would suggest sticking with one or the other to avoid confusion on the reader's part.
Formatting and Misc:
- Footnote tags must always be directly adjacent to the word, inside the punctuation. For example:
- 'Aphrodesia1'
- … individuals caught inside2.
- I would separate the Addenda from the primary article with a bold 'Addenda' header and label the subsequent addenda in italicized headers.
- Addenda:
- Addendum-XXXX-A: Discovery and Capture
- Addendum-XXXX-B: Interview Logs
- "The crowd is now screaming and scattering as SCP-XXXX throws a shoe at the podiums speakers …" -> The wording is a little odd here. Maybe, "The crowd begins screaming and scattering. SCP-XXXX throws a shoe at the speakers built into the podium, causing them to play …"
- While I love the use of Kenny Loggins' Footloose for a shoe being thrown, another potential suggestion would be Isaac throwing a bottle at the speakers, causing Walter Murphy's A Fifth of Beethoven to play on loop. Good luck getting this earworm out.
- "Dozens of large beetles crawl out from inside Dr. Iszth's coat who promptly removes it. These beetles are thought to originate from SCP-XXXX." -> I would identify the scientific name for beetles that are solely native to Greece and add, "A number of these beetles were captured and analyzed. Though non-anomalous, they are thought to originate from SCP-XXXX."
What else can I say here. As a draft, this piece has some masterful storytelling, character development, and irritation-driven reality-bending antics I've seen on the site in a long time! There are no significant additions or excisions that I could suggest. As mentioned about the antics, and indeed meant about the whole article, it doesn't overstay its welcome.
For such a sensitive topic to some, you handled it quite well, no matter what some rando in chat says! "Uooooh, I dun liek it 'cuz it LGBBQLULZ!!!1" Seriously, f-off, dude.
It just needs some polish. Maybe one or two more rounds in the IRC and another full-crit or two from some of our skilled Butterflies, and this article will be ready to rock!
Critter's Notes for interesting reading:
Eris and Aphrodite: The Gods of Survival
Myth of the Apple of Discord [Page 1] [Page 2]
Alrighty, with all that said, thank you for taking the time to read and consider my critique. Sorry if it was a little scattered or overly nitpicky.
If you need any clarifications, would like to pick my brain for further ideas, or just want to drop a non-anomalous pile of snow on my head from an unknown source, please don't hesitate to reach out via WikiDot PM! Also, I'd like to give it a re-crit just to double-check everything before it gets posted to the mainlist.
