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Genera: Horror
Word Count: 4,000
Help I'm Looking for: Spelling and grammar check. Second pair of eyes and maybe some help with the pacing.
Summary: A weird cult tries to fix people by removing negative attributes from their souls.
Alright just finished it. A lot of it was pretty solid, just mainly commas. I'll separate each note with || so it's more easily readable.
|"communication, though it can" - Comma after though| "for the past five days and had grown" - Comma before and|| "between updates so it" - Comma after updates|| "been so scares the past" - Scarce not scares|| "and- (chuckles) that’s" -Since this is an action it's a bit hard to critique but the dash right before isn't needed.|| "Yeah, sure…" - It may look weird but a period after the ellipses since you're starting a new sentence.|| "rough patches, I mean our" - Semi-colon or period instead of comma. Depends on whether you want to keep it one whole sentence or not.|| "But the good far" - Comma after good|| "little unsanctioned magical pact that we'd" - Comma after pact|| "about the investigation…" - Dialogue is a bit harder to critique due it's stylistic parts, but, grammatically speaking, ellipsis wouldn't really work here since it's an end of a though. But, if it's to emphasize a pause, you could keep it.|| "Yeah, okay…" - Period after ellipsis due to start of a new sentence|| "Yeah…" - Period after ellipsis since the next word starts with a capital|| "But even with" - Comma after but|| "Emily… You saw the" - Either no capital y or add a period after ellipsis|| "there to look for, Emily" - No comma|| "up as kids, you said so" - Semi-colon or period instead of comma|| "to find you but you" - Comma before but|| "from you but I do" - Comma after you|| "Two weeks ago you told" - Comma after ago|| "good plan but I think" - Comma before but|| "from me but it was" - Comma after me|| "just a peek but" -Comma after peek|| "But at first I didn't" - Comma after first|| "completely believable but there" - Comma before but|| "heard what he said, “What is there to look for, Emily? We found the body.”" - Semi-colon or period instead of comma|| "Again. Bad liar." - Stylistic but grammatically it should be one sentence, with a comma for the first period instead|| "some digging but I" - Comma before but|| "to Shelbyville and" - Comma before and|| "get it but now" - Comma before but|| "hands. The 7th bit" - Semi-colon, comma nor period works here.|| "a success but" - Comma before but|| "hand moves and" - Comma before and|| "perform spells and" - Comma before and|| "her abilities before but now," - Comma before but|| "some reason so we" - Comma before so|| "my answers and I should" - Comma before and|| "But I didn’t" - Comma after didn't|| "locker room and upon" - Comma before and|| "hearing this Conners’" - Comma after this|| "outside as the" - Comma after outside|| "another 3 minutes and as she does the faces in the wall become more frequent" This sentence is confusing, so I'll just leave it up to you to reword it. || "As the camera adjusts" - Comma after adjusts|| "be speaking but her" - Comma before but|| "Utility Union can be seen" - It sounds a bit repetitive but I honestly can't think of any suggestions.|| "ends there but I" - Comma before but|| "trauma. While the other" - Comma instead of period|| "my resignation but" - Comma before but|| "leaving because when" - Comma before leaving
Btw sorry about being a bit slow on it. Originally was gonna send on IRC, but I'm a slow reader. So, I kinda copied and pasted what I was gonna send here, so if it's a bit hard to read I want to apologize for that. Other than that, these were all the things that I noticed so far.
(General note, instead of posting multiple comments in succession, please edit your previous post using the "edit" function under the "options" tab to the lower right of every comment. That helps prevent spam!)
Let's see what I can do for you.
The crit:
Your ConProcs are snappy and to-the-point. I dig it!
SCP-XXXX is the designation of a mass-produced pocket knife …
The phrasing here is a little odd and can be tightened up like this, "SCP-XXXX is a BrandCo pocket knife …"
The dagger itself exhibits …
Two things here:
… the spiritual manifestation of former Foundation thaumaturge Lily Spurlock.
Right to the point! I love it! However, the spiritual manifestation is still part of the designated object and should have a sub-designation that, like the above, should be referenced instead of 'spirit' and 'entity'. I'll show you what I mean in a moment. However, to designate this information, try, "… of former Foundation thaumaturge Lily Spurlock, hereafter referred to as SCP-XXXX-1."
The spirit seems to follow SCP-XXXX and despite multiple tests, the two have never been seen more than 1 meter apart.
A few issues here:
Check out this small re-write:
Testing has revealed that SCP-XXXX-1 will remain within 1m of SCP-XXXX during manifestation events.
… instead repeats the same phrase, saying “No more” continuously with no break between the words ever being observed.
The phrasing here is much closer to a casual tone than a clinical one. I would try, "… SCP-XXXX-1 can be heard vocalizing the phrase "no more" repeatedly in an unceasing manner."
The Foundation first discovered SCP-XXXX …
The discovery section should be placed under its own header, as it is likely a sub-report or addendum to the primary documentation. You could even use code designations for it and the subsequent addendum headers:
Addenda:
Addendum XXXX-A-1: Initial Discovery
Addendum XXXX-A-2: Post-Incident Interview
Addendum XXXX-B-2: VHS Tapes Recovered from Discovery Site
Addendum XXXX-FU: LIES
Being a thaumaturge herself, Conners explained that she held a spiritual connection with Spurlock that allowed them to feel each other‘s emotions. She went on to explain how, for the past 5 days, she’s felt nothing but agony emanating from Spurlock and believes she may be in danger.
Unfortunately, the information presented here somewhat spoils the twist in the proceeding Post-Incident Interview. I would recommend excising the info about Conners being a thaumaturge here, "Emily claimed that Agent Spurlock had not been in contact for the past five days and was had grown concerned that she was missing or in danger."
Your further addenda are written well enough that I only noticed a couple issues related to tone and some light formatting issues.
to look for Emily? [REDACTED]
Here, you can further highlight the cold-hearted nature of Researcher Howard. Instead of [REDACTED], you could put something like, [Thirty seconds of extraneous video footage expunged.]. This would likely drive the reader further into the mystery, and you could reference the expunged section of video in the last addendum.
… was granted two weeks of paid time off for her loss.
As a Human Resources specialist, I'd recommend rewriting this to, "… was granted two weeks' paid bereavement leave."
Formatting within the excerpts
Firstly, the all-caps is yelling at me. Imagine playing a video, and the narrator screams, "THE VIDEO OPENS WITH COPY… " My recommendation for such formatting is below:
//Interview Transcript XXXX-Y//
> **__Interviewer:__** [name 1]
> **__Interviewee:__** [name 2]
> [blank space after `>' even if there is no text to follow]
>
> @@[@@//Ambient static can be heard for the first fifteen seconds of this recording.//@@]@@
>
> **Dr. Blair:** First line of each name, you will want to...
>
> **Dr. Hamilton:** ... write out the full last name of your researcher, doctor, etc. and then abbreviate after.
>
> **Dr. B.:** With exception to SCP-XXXX designations, of course.
>
> @@[@@//Actions should be easily distinguished from dialogue. I've always found it useful to use these strange tidbits of code. Bookend the actions with them, in the order you see here, and you'll have a better time of it!//@@]@@
> **Dr. H:** @@[@@//Short action performed in-line. Dr. H. spills his drink on his //brand new// labcoat.//@@]@@ //Nooooooooooo.....//!That comes out looking like this…
Interview Transcript XXXX-Y
Interviewer: Dr. Blair
Interviewee: Dr. J. Hamilton
[blank space after ‘>’ even if there is no text to follow][Ambient static can be heard for the first fifteen seconds of this recording.]
Dr. Blair: Hello, Dr. Hamilton.
Dr. Hamilton: Hello, yourself, Kate. Why am I in the infirmary, and, more importantly, why can't I feel my legs?
Dr. B.: Because you're already dead, Jim.
[Dr. H. exhibits signs of severe distress.]
Dr. H: Nooooooooooo…..!
There has to be a way to perform a multi-collapsible for Addendum 3, but I'm not technically skilled enough with Markup to figure that out. I'd recommend asking Rounderhouse for help. My reasoning for thinking this should be under a collapsible is that it's the climax of your article, but it would be spoiled by anyone opening the collapsible for Addendum 2.
Overall, you have a strong scip here with a great hook and payoff. The GoI seems interesting, and I would definitely like to see more of them on the site!
My strongest recommendation after addressing some or all of the issues I've mentioned would be to follow up on the steps presented in Zyn's thread on getting more reviews here: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews
Great job so far! With a little polish, you can make this one shine!
"Sometimes you can approach feedback with a scalpel, sometimes only the sledgehammer approach will make your point clear."
~ Zyn - Forum Crit Team Captain @ The SCP Foundation
Summoned via PM for re-crit! I apologize for the delays.
I found that stormbreath ported some code from
Boyu12 that enables nested collapsibles! You can find that component here:
https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/component:colstyle
Keep in mind that these are just my opinions. You may have different reactions when shopping for last looks.
This updated version is definitely more polished and much closer to being mainlist-ready.
The clinical tone is vastly improved! As far as the narrative is concerned, it's good. There is a smooth flow from the official documentation to the addenda. The tapes build tension nicely which comes to a climax in the last addendum!
A couple last Line-by-Line notes:
SCP-XXXX-1’s appearance is completely identical to Spurlock apart from her transparent appearance and grey pigmentation.
Slightly casual tone here, as well as a pronoun swap. You refer to XXXX-1 as 'her' here but swap to 'it' in the next sentence.
Check out this re-write option:
SCP-XXXX-1 appears to be identical to Agent Spurlock apart from being grey, translucent, and incorporeal.
…SCP-XXXX-1 vanishes completely and its usual vocalizations …
Run-on sentence here. Put a comma in front of 'and' to separate this sentence into two independent clauses.
At this point, I don't believe there's much more I can offer in the way of critique. In my opinion, it's close to being mainlist-ready, but I would definitely shop it for last looks in #theCritters Chatroom on the IRC.
Good luck, TV_Atlas!
"Sometimes you can approach feedback with a scalpel, sometimes only the sledgehammer approach will make your point clear."
~ Zyn - Forum Crit Team Captain @ The SCP Foundation
