"MTF Tau-24 In: Slaughters in Suburbia"

Summary:

A detective story where detectives try to find a rampaging, anomalous killer.

"MTF Tau-24 In: Slaughters in Suburbia"

Blue Foot 14 Jan 2023 04:51

http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/blue-foot-written-complaints

This is about a 25 minute read. It is a detective/mystery story with action elements (if you can help me find a better title that would be great.) It is a good balance of character and plot focus. Any critique would be great, especially on the pacing, dialogue, and the effectiveness of the hook. I hope you enjoy my article!

Thanks in advance!

Last edited on 14 Jan 2023 04:53 by Blue Foot Show more

Re: "MTF Tau-24 In: Slaughters in Suburbia"

Xravron 16 Jan 2023 04:51

Hello, Hola, こんにちは, Привет! Anyway. I read your article obviously. My initial thoughts are… Idk. Before I go too in detail regarding the literal story and plot. There are some errors you make.

+ Line by Line

They helped organize last year's Halloween trunk-or-treat

You misspelled trick.

That still hurts like hell click

You got forgot your arrows or whatever they are.

T24-1 takes several breathes through his nostrils.

Breaths.

They enter into a hallway and cease movement.

You can remove into.

The squad approaches the bed, and ceases movement when they are directly adjacent to it.

You can remove the comma.

What can you tell me, private eyes.

You're missing a question mark.

She came in at a healthy weight a week and half ago

You're are missing an article.

It's fair to say this is were Mr. Packel kept his shotgun.

Where not were.

they helped their other neighbors

You forgot and.

It would have to be a bear, or someone who is somehow that huge.

You can remove the comma

Weird looking leaves, weird looking

Weird-looking.

breath

Breathe

Ms. Rodriguez are referring to are presumably

I think you mean is and the.

+ Thoughts

Of course, I can't check all of your mistakes. But you make a decent amount of grammar mistakes. I just ran your stuff through Grammarly. I noticed some on my own. But I suggest you just do a massive grammar check. Anywho… You also have some weird lines. I would give examples… But I wasn't taking notes when I was first reading. Sorry. But lets move on.

Character

I'm someone who's really into characters. I tend to have this problem when I write. I forget about the anomalies and focus more on my characters. Writing characters is my strength, I think. That is to all say: I didn't really care much for your characters. I didn't like or hate them. They kinda were just there. Hope that makes sense. But yes, they did little for me. You claim this is character-focused. But it's not. You don't really focus on the characters that much. They kinda just do things to push your plot forward.
Which isn't a bad thing, per se. But I'm saying they are pretty meh right now.

Characters-4/10

Dialogue

Again, meh. I mean, it wasn't overly bad or anything. But there wasn't anything that stood out to me. I think some lines were actually weird, to be honest. But that's just me. There's really nothing much to add to this section. Your dialogue isn't bad or good. It's just okay. Which is fine for your writing. I'm just saying. Nothing was overly remarkable or funny or anything in between. I would give aid on how to improve this. But does it really matter? If you think this work; then it works. Maybe try to give them more unique personalities? Or maybe character arcs. But this is fine for right now.

Dialogue-5/10

Plot

Your plot starts off interesting. But when it's revealed, bugs or anomalous creatures have been doing the killings. It's anticlimactic for me. The mystery element is neat, but most articles have some elements of mystery. I don't know if you can really call this a detective article. Two people die, agents come and question neighbors, and they die. They meet up with the monsters that have been doing the killing. I mean. That's it. Of course, there's an element of they're still out there. But this isn't all crazy or anything. Again, pretty standard stuff, nothing too crazy. I think the reveal is weak. But whatever, that's me.
Plot-6/10

Pacing

Not much to say. I'm literally working on something that's literally hours long. It wasn't too long or anything. Could it be shorter or longer? Sure, but I didn't really mind much.

Pacing-7/10

Overall, I'm left with feelings of meh. I don't know if this is the first or second article you have written. So I shouldn't be expecting too much… But it was a bit generic for me. Nothing too crazy or particular point I can say is well done. Right now I would no vote.

---

Pain.