Baby Bones

Baby Bones

MaskedN00B 11 Jan 2023 10:03

Hi, I would like to say thank you for dropping by! I have an SCP Article about a monster that returns dead infants to their rightful parents! How sweet!
Of course though, a disclaimer. If the subject of an infant's death makes you uncomfortable I do not recommend checking out this draft. There isn't anything excessive.

This is the link to the draft.

Approx: 1.9k Words
Genere: Horror, Sadness

Things I'd like help with include:

• Grammar and punctuation
• Flow of the article
• Comments on the plot

Once again, thank you for dropping by. Have a good day!

Update (1/12/2023 - 01:07pm AEST):
I changed around the interview dialogue slightly, and changed the ending around a bit.

Last edited on 12 Jan 2023 03:07 by MaskedN00B Show more

Re: Baby Bones

mrhappyy 11 Jan 2023 19:14

For the SCP foundation to view all 16-60 year old after a spontaneous abortion or stillborn seems almost impossible, maybe have the SCP be more selective? Like 16-40, its unlikely that women will become pregnant after 50 anyway, other than that, i really like the idea! Very horrific and traumatizing, sounds just like something the foundation has!

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-mrhappy

Re: Baby Bones

Spibsboft1 16 Jan 2023 02:26

Not a pro critter but to me it was very well written and organized. The idea is strange to be honest, but it was well executed. Listen to others like Zoobeeny and mrhappyy. For me though this would pass as a real SCP. Well done!

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JF (Spibsboft)

Re: Baby Bones

Zoobeeny 11 Jan 2023 23:26

The SCP itself was spooky and I liked the imagery up until the interview log.

The interview itself was rough. The dialogue felt too unnatural, too script-like. The way that Dr. Selina speaks sounds like she's reciting for a play rather than recounting the events of a particularly traumatic incident.

Second, the ending of the article didn't feel like it had enough punch to it. We just kinda learn that Dr. Selina is pregnant now, but there's not really any real implications or messages with that. She's just like, "I'm pregnant", and that's it.

If you wanted to make some sort of theme about motherhood or something, then I think it needs to be pronounced more. Right now, this reads more as a straight horror piece than a thematic one.

Note

Reverend Fox 18 Jan 2023 08:15

Noting here that this has been posted to:
https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-7690

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"Sometimes you can approach feedback with a scalpel, sometimes only the sledgehammer approach will make your point clear."
~ Zyn - Forum Crit Team Captain @ The SCP Foundation