Tiny Dr. Hamm, An illustrated 049 tale.

Summary:

Seeking Critique

Tiny Dr. Hamm, An illustrated 049 tale.

Fierce fauna 29 Nov 2022 17:04

Summary: 049 encounters a cloning Scp - (created for the purposes of this tale) - that forces him to confront an unpleasant memory but seems to offer a second chance. He helps a miniature copy of Dr. Hamm escape the foundation but realizes that some things can’t be undone. (Meant to be funny/tragic.)

Word count: Currently a 25,000 word novella. Only half the work – is organized into chapters in my sandbox. May provide more if requested. Considering making it a series. (see link to Greenlight thread for summaries of the entire tale) Note that reading the entire sample may not be necessary. One chapter or a portion is fine if you just want to get a sense of how I write.

Draft: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/fierce-fauna

Greenlights and concept: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-15176314/seeking-greenlight#post-5578789

Notes: I am new here, I got my first two greenlights two months ago. This is the first thing I am submitting. I came upon a longer tale in a series of installments while researching this character and assumed longer pieces were acceptable. I am an experienced fiction writer but in the past I’ve had editors to help me out. (I briefly worked in publishing.)

My tale contains artwork, but the art is not essential. I may also require assistance in making my page look right should it be deemed acceptable for posting on the site.

Currently the first seven prototype chapters (about half the total work) are in my sandbox. Each chapter is divided into five parts for easy reference and to aid in general skimming. I would be interested in knowing which are stronger or otherwise how much improvement is necessary, more chapters can be added to the sand box later – I’ve omitted them for now because I realize this is already a very long piece and I don’t want to hold up the line.

(I am patient and will wait days for a response. If I don’t get a response I will assume the person is busy and seek a different Critter.)

Critique Team - Captain Post

Zyn 07 Dec 2022 07:13

Since this thread was on the forum listing for a week with no feedback yet, this is a quick general information post from staff for the author. If you are still seeking feedback on this material, please remember to contact reviewers directly to request critique (if you haven't already reached out).

This thread has information on reaching out to reviewers: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews

If you have already contacted multiple reviewers and received no reply, feel free to ask a staff member for assistance finding a reviewer.

Re: Tiny Dr. Hamm, An illustrated 049 tale.

SilverScribbles 11 Dec 2022 20:34

Hi there

First off, that art is gorgeous! I especially love the shading!

This story does focus on 049, which brings up two thoughts in my mind:

1) Oh. Wow. Another Series 1 story. Woooo….

2) Oh God, I love 049!

Number 2 should be making me more inclined to support this story, but instead it's just making me a good deal more picky-

I have mixed feelings on the plot, but since you got greenlights for that, and you seemed more concerned on writing style, I'll just focus on the writing-

After all, cracking the insidious code that was the pestilence took time

This sentence breaks the flow a bit, and reminds me of something, though I can't exactly put my finger on what. I would suggest changing it… the "code that was the pestilence" part is kinda… Not the kind of grammar I was expecting?

Circumstances were not ideal. But they had never been closer to ideal, for he had found a community of like-minded individuals, thick as they might be.

Perhaps change to: "But the circumstances, were not ideal. And yet, they had never been closer to being so, for he had found a community of like-minded individuals, thick as they might be."

And now he was staring at a large lavender plant obscuring a dark window; a dark window behind which one or more of his colleagues now hid, filtering their voice through some manner of machine.

Maybe change to: "And now, he was staring at a large lavender plant. It was obscuring a dark window, behind which one or more of his colleagues now hid, filtering their voice through some manner of a machine."

If only proper test subjects were easier to come by.

This seems to be less of a final statement and more of a wistful one, so I'd suggest making it trail off with "…"

Like the products of the monster pot it seemed they were not intended to live very long.

I'd suggest adding a comma. between "pot" and "it".

While he waited he prepared another offering, this time a powdered form of a substance he had isolated from scp 150, the ship of Theseus parasite.

I'm suggest adding a comma after "While he waited". Also, I noticed that you seem to always make "SCP" lowercased. I'm not sure if there are any rules regarding this, but maybe you should keep it uppercased, especially for SCP names, like SCP-150.

Yet there was no affect on the mind of the host, even though the brain was gone; for the parasites were able to act in its stead; preserving personality, even memory, all while providing a sense of calm and well being.

I would suggest breaking this up a bit, like: "Yes, there was no affect on the mind of the host, even though the brain was gone. The parasites were able to act in its stead; preserving personality, even memory, all while providing a sense of calm and well being."

keter, - A thing capable of changing the world.

I don't think the comma is needed with the break afterwards.

Anyways, for a story about 049 and tiny people, this is surprisingly well executed! It kept me interested the entire time, and I'm looking forward to seeing what's next.

Feel free to PM me when you reply.

Last edited on 12 Dec 2022 14:38 by SilverScribbles Show more

Re: Tiny Dr. Hamm, An illustrated 049 tale.

Fierce fauna 13 Dec 2022 21:03

These first three were close together so I'll use them as examples.

After all, cracking the insidious code that was the pestilence took time.

Circumstances were not ideal. But they had never been closer to ideal, for he had found a community of like-minded individuals, thick as they might be.

And now he was staring at a large lavender plant obscuring a dark window; a dark window behind which one or more of his colleagues now hid, filtering their voice through some manner of machine.

Show Updated Text

049 usually considered himself to be a patient man.

Deciphering the infernal complexities of a demonic disease was a time-consuming task.

This would be the case even if the circumstances were ideal.
But the circumstances - were not ideal.

And yet, they had never been closer to being so, for he had found a community of like-minded individuals, thick as they might be.

They had been cooperative at first, then greatly dissatisfied with his progress. Impatient, as expected. He had explained how counterintuitive it was that they restrict his resources and then accuse him of not moving fast enough.

His concerns had fallen on deaf ears.

The interviews had become less frequent, and the questions repetitive and progressively more absurd.

And now, he was staring at a large lavender plant.

It was obscuring a dark window, behind which one or more of his colleagues now hid, filtering their voice through some manner of a machine.

I fixed the rest in the ways you suggested. I also capitalized SCP throughout the text.

When fixing the first part I was concerned the - After all, kind of cut into things. Something else might need to be there, but for now the "Because" is implied.

Thank you very much for your time. I wasn't expecting you to read so far in. That really impressed me.

Show extra notes.

I wanted to create a world where relatively serious characters are forced to contend with absurd realities - and find humor in their attempts to rationalize them. (I was also hoping to just let 049 be 049, and see where he went with it.) The little twins provide a means of escalating the tale into a rather dangerous situation later on, they also provide the tiny Dr. Hamm that is going to make 049 really uncomfortable.

Though the little twins may not be as prominent in the tale as the name implies, I meant them as an underlying mystery.

I often imagine some of the sillier tales as rumors and try to imagine more plausible and consistent realities behind them.

Though sometimes I worry that my characters could use more emotion or feeling, that some of the things I do might be too subtle for others to see.

Last edited on 13 Dec 2022 22:58 by Fierce fauna Show more