The Medium Rabbit v.2

Summary:

Updated Entry

The Medium Rabbit v.2

Agent Strafski 28 Nov 2022 17:24

I have been working on this draft for over 3 years and have been through multiple rewrites.
This is the most current but is still subject to change. It's a plushie rabbit that communicates the words of dead family members.

I tried my best to solidify the information, keep the paragraphs cohesive, and continue the story consistently.

http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/agent-strafksi

Word Count: ~2567

This thread was originally posted on 10/24/2022, this is a repost with the new article.

Both green lights are on the original idea post:
https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-15326726/seeking-greenlight-the-maybe-medium-rabbit#post-5675499

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Shadow Wizard Money Gang (we love casting spells)

Last edited on 01 Dec 2022 03:20 by Agent Strafski Show more

Critique Team - Captain Post

Zyn 06 Dec 2022 07:57

Since this thread was on the forum listing for a week with no feedback yet, this is a quick general information post from staff for the author. If you are still seeking feedback on this material, please remember to contact reviewers directly to request critique (if you haven't already reached out).

This thread has information on reaching out to reviewers: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews

If you have already contacted multiple reviewers and received no reply, feel free to ask a staff member for assistance finding a reviewer.

Crit: The Medium Rabbit v.2

Reverend Fox 06 Jan 2023 04:19

Let's see what I can do for you.

++ Show Crit ++

Some advice first.

• Your clinical tone seems a little weak in places. I'll show you a few instances of this in the specifics, but in the meantime, check out these awesome and helpful articles on tone:
  • How-To-Write-an-SCP
  • Clinical Tone Declassified

And now, on with the crit:

As you've already received two crits here, I'll be thorough while also being brief.

CONCEPT:

• Overall, I love the idea presented here and really can't find anything about the concept to provide critique on!

SPECIFICS:

Due to time constraints, I will not comment on every single issue. Rather, I will point out the stand-out issues which should help you identify the rest.

Tonal Issues

• "… should be stored in a watertight safe at Site-73." -> A couple of points here:
  • Using the word 'should' here makes it sound optional. This thing 'must' be contained this way.
  • The container's description itself, while specific, doesn't really indicate clinical tone. I would suggest tightening this up with, "… must be kept in a watertight Containment Locker at Site-73. The specified locker is to be retrofitted with an emergency drainage valve."
• In the ConProcs, there seems to be a heavy focus on testing requirements. While these requirements make a damned nice touch, they almost spoil the payoff of your article by being placed so early. An idea would be to move them under the Addenda heading. Speaking of the testing requirements:
  • "Testing requires level three or higher personnel to screen family records to identify the most recent death …" -> The wording here, while concise, is tonally strange. You could try something like, "Family records of all potential test subjects must be screened by personnel with Level-3 or higher security clearance in order to identify the most recent death in their family. Approved test subjects must submit a pre-written question or application of endorsement to on-site psychologists."
• "… is to be sealed within its locker and drainage initiated in the event of increased tears until ceasing." -> Perfectly descriptive, but this can be tightened up. Try, "In the event that SCP-XXXX begins emitting large quantities of fluid, testing personnel are to immediately place SCP-XXXX back into its Containment Locker and initiate emergency drainage."
• "… a speaker and microphone system within the stomach of the rabbit …" -> Try, "… a battery-operated microphone and speaker unit located in the core of SCP-XXXX …"
  • I'm not entirely sure what the plastic vent is for as it's not mentioned again in the article.
• "… in the native/first language of the family member." -> You can omit 'first language', "… in the family member's native language."
• "To get the best results …" -> Unfortunately, sometimes clinical tone is more verbose. Try, "To ensure the quality of testing results …"
• "Testing Canceled" and "Testing Postponed" -> Both of these can be changed to, "Testing Suspended" This implies that testing may continue at a later date but has been temporarily suspended for the time being.

Formatting

• "… just before testing. (Tests 5)." -> "Test 5" can be placed in a footnote. The inline code for that is [[footnote]]This is a footnote![[/footnote]]! Something like, "… before testing¹."
• The discovery of the item, included note, video transcript, testing requirements, and test logs should be placed under the Addenda: heading, with the subsequent addenda labeled like, "Addendum XXXX-1; Discovery | //Addendum XXXX-2; Testing Requirements"

The testing logs are quite awesome but need some tightening up, but again, due to time constraints, I'll not be diving into them.

Overall, I really enjoyed your draft and would love to see it on the mainlist. However, it still needs some tidying up. After some re-working, I would encourage you to visit the link in Zyn's post above to get more real-time feedback!

Footnotes

1. See Addendum XXXX-3, Test Log #5.

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"Sometimes you can approach feedback with a scalpel, sometimes only the sledgehammer approach will make your point clear."
~ Zyn - Forum Crit Team Captain @ The SCP Foundation

Last edited on 07 Jan 2023 10:06 by Reverend Fox Show more