[Seeking Critique] The Camera

Summary:

Need general critique on an anomalous DSLR camera.

[Seeking Critique] The Camera

Dr Emil J Svensson 25 Nov 2022 18:17

Draft: https://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/dr-emil-j-svensson

Word count: A bit over 5k words in total

Greenlights and concept: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-15047457/seeking-greenlight-article-soulkiller#post-5707748

Notes: The SCP is an anomalous camera that, when taking a picture of someone, will create an anomalous file containing the soul of the photographed person. Using that, the Foundation can do various things such as killing people by deleting their file, deleting their soul from our reality, transfer their soul into a different body, or revive people into a new body after they have died (among other things). It goes without saying, that all this of course doesn't come without any downsides.

The SCP is split into two sections: The main article and a document about "Project Balder". When posted, the latter one will be linked to either via a ListPages module or it will be a tale linked to the article.

Though I may be fluent in english, I am still not a native speaker, so I am primarily looking linguistic critique, as well as of course general critique for my draft(s)

Re: [Seeking Critique] The Camera

tatety 26 Nov 2022 16:02

umm why you here this is not the idea critiuqe place

Admin Post - Info - Open

Zyn 27 Nov 2022 08:19

tatety, the author is seeking draft critique, not concept critique. They have linked a sandbox, noted the wordcount as prompted, and provided a link to the requisite greenlights.

OP, you've followed all the instructions just fine here. Remember to reach out to reviewers if/as needed! For convenience, you can look at this thread for options to contact reviewers: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews

Re: Admin Post - Info - Open

Dr Emil J Svensson 27 Nov 2022 10:30

Thank you Zyn!
I have already sent a PM to a few Butterfly Squad Critters, but I think they'll need some time, as the draft is quite long.
Best regards,
Emil J. Svensson

Re: Admin Post - Info - Open

Zyn 28 Nov 2022 06:36

You're welcome, and glad to hear!

Re: [Seeking Critique] The Camera

Fireknight 30 Nov 2022 03:11

+ show block

to be released from lockdown and internet access is to be turned back on.

Nitpick, but you cut both internet and intranet, and only returned internet

It has been determined that the extent of these properties directly correlates to the subject's age and experiences

But you just said it’s nonsensical and constantly expanding

comatose-like state

Catatonic is probably a better term. Comatose means they’re asleep, catatonic means they’re unresponsive, but still can perform some simple actions.

managed to deduct

Deduce

photo- and videographer

This doesn’t quite feel right. Maybe you should just say photographer and videographer.

Note: In order to retain a professional climate…

This feels out of place in this article and doesn’t even make much sense as something that an employee would call this SCP

Subject stopped screaming after five (5) minutes and died ten (10) minutes later from cardiac arrest

You don’t need to use numerals in this context, just say five minutes

Oh, by the way, this is by no means an overly scientific or clinical documentation.

This sort of language doesn’t sound right. It’s true that this isn’t a scientific journal, but this person is still a professional, and so their writings should reflect that

Overall, this article is very well constructed and up to the standards that I would expect from an SCP. However, the one most notable thing is that it seems to cut off abruptly. Project Soulmate was clearly approved by the Ethic Committee at some point, and it seemed to be a perfect success, so I’d like to see more of an explanation as to why they changed their minds. Something going wrong and revealing that this never should have been done in the first place, or simply an appeal from someone involved who sees ethical violations involved even when others don’t.

Last edited on 02 Dec 2022 03:17 by Fireknight Show more

Re: [Seeking Critique] The Camera

Dr Emil J Svensson 04 Dec 2022 11:30

Hey there!

Thanks a lot for your critique, it was very helpful and exactly what I was looking for. I have made a few changes to the article, correcting my mistakes and also adding a statement by the Ethics Committee.

But you just said it’s nonsensical and constantly expanding

This was meant to be the first hint to the reader that the metadata of .ano files actually contains the soul of a person. As we are constantly aging and learning/experiencing new things, it only made sense to me to describe the alphanumerical representation of it within the file as constantly expanding. I have however changed my phrasing to "sporadically expanding" and have put "It is theorized that" instead of "It has been determined that" since the metadata seems nonsensical and random to the Foundation, like you correctly pointed out.

This feels out of place in this article and doesn’t even make much sense as something that an employee would call this SCP

I definitely see what you mean here, however I have still chosen to leave it in the article. The reason for this is, again, so that the reader can more easily conclude what the SCP is actually about. I have also implemented it so it is easier to see why the Foundation (from an in-universe perspective) or me (as the author) cannot simply write that what actually can be seen here is the human soul. Otherwise this might have seemed like a plot hole to some people.

I’d like to see more of an explanation as to why they changed their minds.

I have included a statement by the Ethics Committee. In summary, they state that entrapping a person's consciousness in another person's paralyzed body is pretty violating of basic human dignity and that repeatedly killing and reviving someone for interrogation is quite cruel, especially after seeing how a transfer psychologically affects subjects.

Again, thanks a lot for your crit. I'll experiment a little with ListPages modules and, if there's nothing more to add, publish my first article in a couple of days :)

All the best,
Emil J. Svensson