SCP-7490 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-7490.

My First K-Class Entry

Strange Matter 30 Jul 2022 17:18

Hiyo!

So this is my third SCP on the site, and my first time writing for a contest. And it turns out that I can write an SCP in a month when it would usually take me more than that. On top of a busy schedule for the last couple of months. Pats myself on the back

At first, this was supposed to be an inversion of a character in a canon that I really didn't like. But a couple of critters didn't like that, so I ended up changing the whole thing. Some of the original ideas are still there though. Mainly, kindness can go a long way, to giving people chances, and luck is all about chance, regardless if it's good or bad.

Compared to the other entries, this one may not be as groundbreaking, as I am but a pleb. But I consider this a good article.

Options:

7777 - 1st option
7770 - 2nd option
7707 - 3rd option
7077 - 4th option
7070 - 5th option

Welp, these got taken.

---

Alternative Slots:

7490 - 1st option
7139 - 2nd option
7179 - 3rd option

I would like to thank my critters:

TheyCallMeTim, Roufhous, cwazzycwafter, JayKillbam, fairydoctor, NDHeckfire, LORDXVNV, LightlessLantern, Space_Kaiser, Professor Puffer, Voiiiii, and IronShears

Best of luck to everyone, and take care now! 👋🌟

Last edited on 23 Sep 2022 23:30 by Strange Matter Show more

Re: My First K-Class Entry

Moonlit Shadow 31 Jul 2022 01:49

Honestly, this feels a bit bland as it currently stands.

If you add a "cursed / blessed by Tyche" (with Hume or Akiva Radiation levels increasing or decreasing)

Then maybe build the containment procedures around the increase or decrease.

Re: My First K-Class Entry

Strange Matter 31 Jul 2022 03:50

I don’t know anything about Tyche, so I don’t know how I would incorporate them in it. Especially now.

Last edited on 31 Jul 2022 04:15 by Strange Matter Show more

Maxyfran73 06 Aug 2022 04:05

I like the energy of this piece, but it has some damning flaws. I think the biggest flaw is that the piece is too long. There's a log of bits that don't feel all that relevant, especially around the first half of the piece. I think the piece picks around during and after the reveal about Tommy, the one with the D-boys. Before this, the dialogue struggles to really pick up the pace, which, for a piece as long as this, makes a reader not wanna finish it.

Now, about the dialogue. It's easily both the strongest and weakest point on the story. On one hand, the way you write characters is really good. I like this slice-of-life energy they have when not introducing concepts. When they do introduce concepts though, it's too obvious that they are speaking only to advance the story. Whenever a plot point is introduced, the characters suddenly feel too rushed; this is the most obvious when Millar figures out 7000's anomaly. Also, the part where the D-boys start talking about their own lives… I mean, it's interesting, but it clashes with the rest of the piece really badly. I think there's a better way to pull off that part.

Overall… Think it's a downvote, sorry. I think this piece has really good potential, but the dialogue and story progress need to be ironed out a bit more to really work.

Strange Matter 07 Aug 2022 04:37

Hiyo!

Thanks for your feedback. And at least I know it’s not entirely bad 😅.

Guess imma have to do some heavy editing at some point. Hopefully it won’t be too much a slog to read or too rushed.

Thank you again and take care now! 🌟👋

+1

Trintavon 06 Aug 2022 04:18

I'm stuck in the middle regarding this article. I like the concept of the anomaly, but it drags on at points and, while the dialogue is the core of this skip, it also is its own downfall as pieces feel less genuine as others, almost forced. That being said, the read still keep me generally hooked all of the way through and, while it didn't host the strongest conclusion, I also don't think it was poor. I think a refining pass could fix this up and make it something really strong, but as it sits its a decent entry with multiple flaws.

That being said, I will upvote simply because I am so stuck in the middle with the hopes of it being revised. Touch up the dialogue, make some of it feel less like its exposition at certain points, and cut some of the slower pieces and I think you'll have a really good article going here.

Re: +1

Strange Matter 07 Aug 2022 04:33

Hiyo!

Thanks for the honest feedback, and I’m glad that there was at least something here you genuinely liked. I’ll see what I can do with the exposition fluff. Though could you point out where the slow pieces are? That’ll definitely help me a lot!

Thank you for your time and take care now! 👋🌟

#84

DrScaramouche 17 Aug 2022 02:39

I almost never do this, but I have to downvote while admitting I didn't read through to the end. I just couldn't get there; the English is just broken enough that getting through it was tedius, given the length.

Which is weird, because your actual dialog is really, really well done, and I enjoyed reading the parts I got to. It really feels like there are two different authors at work here.

I might try to come back and make my way through more of this later.

Re: #84

Strange Matter 17 Aug 2022 06:26

Dang SPaG…

“Two different authors at work here.” That’s odd. But if you do come back, there might be some changes.

Last edited on 17 Aug 2022 06:28 by Strange Matter Show more

Re: #84

DrScaramouche 29 Aug 2022 02:47

Hey, I am an internet stranger of my word, and came back to read all the way through.

So, I think this article is one concerted effort to edit and tighten away from being good. I believe your storyline, and your dialogue is for the most part good. There are some plot holes, but I'm going to focus on something else. The writing I mentioned before, I want to highlight some of what I'm talking about.

Here we go

At 10:30 pm, Director Gray had tripped and fallen down the stairs, sustaining a blunt force injury to the head

Had tripped —> sustaining. Verb tense change.

On 07/19/2013, Agent Felicia Mallory and Agent Sara Taylor were escorting a row of D-Class to their cells. D-13174 had escaped his restraints and attacked Agent Sara Taylor. D-13174 took her handgun and fired on Agent Sara Taylor before being subdued by Agent Felicia Mallory. Agent Sara Taylor had sustained an injury on her right thigh and had to be sent to the infirmary. D-13174 was sent to solitary confinement for ten days while undergoing disciplinary action against on-site guards.

At some point, she can become just Agent Taylor, or even Taylor.

A.D. Ortega: Go ahead.
Agt. Mallory: If it weren't for this uniform, I'd smack the shit out of you.

I loved this line. Just wanted to say.

D-66960 is to step onto the 15-meter line and wait for A.D. Ortega to order him to move forward. When nothing occurred, A.D. Ortega ordered D-66960 to be five meters closer to Agt. Mallory.

Is to step -> when nothing occurred. Verb tense.

On 08/17/2013 at 6:00 pm, seven personnel had been struck by a virus via food poisoning. The last they have eaten was in Cafeteria-A during lunch. All contaminated food had been thrown away and personnel was treated immediately. The list of individual personnel is as follows:

Had been —> have eaten.

And so on. It wasn't as bad as when I first read, but there's still enough of it that it can make reading more of a slog than needs be.

Dr. Carmichael: Couldn't be me.

LMAO

So yeah, it's some SPaG, but not the quick edit kind. It needs a good comb through. But I think you're close.

Re: #84

Strange Matter 30 Aug 2022 19:33

Thanks for clarifying! I'll see what I can do.

J S Writer 24 Aug 2022 19:09

• I like how the article maintains the ambiguity surrounding Mallory’s anomalous properties until around Addendum 3 (especially with the line about A.D. Ortega being the one to designate Mallory as SCP-7000 meaning that we can’t really trust the article’s beginning section), but I think the ambiguity could have been maintained for a bit longer.

• During the description of the stabbing of D-13174, the make of the weapon used by D-44786 could be a footnote.

• Some of the writing in the article sounds awkward at times such as the line, “It's hard to recall anything when most of it isn't fondly.” The majority of the blips in the flow/feel of the article are during the dialogue sections.

• I was following the anomaly’s properties until the test with Researcher Millar and the jammed guns. That test seemed to be an inconsistency with the rules of the anomaly since Researcher Millar was never in any real danger. There was no reason for the guns to jam at all unless somehow the anomaly takes into account Mallory’s knowledge of the situation. However, just earlier in the article we see that bad results occur even when Mallory has no knowledge about those being affected (MTF Gamma-9).

• Overall, even though the irregularities in the logic of the article combined with the blips in the dialogue hinders the article’s flow, the idea of the Foundation staff not giving up on Mallory is heartwarming. That being said, I do feel that the ending felt a bit too perfect without much work being done to achieve that perfect ending. It kind of implied that mental health was something that could be resolved quickly (within one month) and with the flip of a mental switch. I think the ending would have benefitted from a more realistic depiction of mental health recovery.

• Rating: -1

+ SPaG (Spelling and Grammar):

• Special Containment Procedures

• “Scranton Reality Anchor devices” -> “Scranton Reality Anchors”.
• “regulate fluctuations of SCP-7000's property” -> “regulate fluctuations of SCP-7000's properties”.

• ADDENDUM-1: INCITING INCIDENTS

• “U.A-620” -> “URA-620”.

• ADDENDUM-2: TESTING W/ INCITING INCIDENTS

• “from above if Agt. Mallory stepped in, tackling him down to save him” -> “from above if Agt. Mallory hadn’t stepped in, tackling him down”.

• ADDENDUM-3: SCP-7000 INTERVIEWS + TESTING – Interview-7000.1

• “are lucky your not my neighbors” -> “are lucky you’re not my neighbors”.

• ADDENDUM-3: SCP-7000 INTERVIEWS + TESTING – Interview-7000.3

• “who just so happen to have a car” -> “who just so happened to have a car”.

Strange Matter 26 Aug 2022 18:58

Hiyo!

Thanks for the input but I do wanna clarify some things though.

For starters, ambiguity wasn’t really the forefront when writing/editing. Not to mention, most critters I’ve gotten say that it addendums 1 & 2 dragged and liked where addendum 3 was going.

As for the anomaly. Yes, Millar wasn’t in any real danger because why would she risk it with real ammunition for the test? Also, I never said that Mallory needed knowledge for her anomaly to function. Depending on what’s she’s thinking/feeling is what switches it from good luck to bad luck. The guns didn’t jam not because Mallory had pre-existing knowledge of the test. They jammed because Millar had to convince her that everything was going to be fine and Mallory had to believe that.

I do agree with you that the ending was resolved way to quickly. So I might work on that. Same with looking into the dialogue.

And oh the wonderful SPaG.

Sorry that I’m getting defensive, I do want to apply your feedback in, but some of things you mentioned are just not the intention or just not what was actually written. And I hope that I’ve made some sense here.

Again, sorry for being defensive. You take care now 👋🌟

Thopter 07 Mar 2023 19:19

I agree with MaxyFran above.

I also want to say that I read three paragraphs of Description and at that point I still have no idea what the anomaly does. I should have some sense of the effect (perhaps with clarifying examples) before all the talk about variable radius of effect. A short list of example effects would help enormously, but something like bad things happen is way too broad.

Suppose I say, if I don't have at least a general summary sense of the anomalous properties/effects by the end of the Description, I feel I should downvote. Let me ask,¹ does that seem like a reasonable principle?

I don't mind if I get a sense from the Description that later gets revised or subverted as the narrative proceeds, but I should have something, with very rare format-screw exceptions (e.g. SCP-579).

Footnotes

1. I'm asking the author, but anyone else please feel free to chime in

Last edited on 07 Mar 2023 19:22 by Thopter Show more

Antis_the_name146 11 Aug 2023 07:50

Man… I personally feel like this scp did not need to be as heavily downvoted as it was. I will admit that there are flaws.. and I hope the author will work on those flaws, but as a story, it works quite well for the message it is giving

I know its been near a year, but I still have hope that the author has at least put thought into this scp since. I see great potential with it.

Last edited on 11 Aug 2023 07:52 by Antis_the_name146 Show more