MORE LIKE SHITE-19 AMIRITE
This was originally gonna be my 001 proposal, but I held off long enough for 7kcon to roll around and decided to give it a shot at the slot.
I hope you enjoyed my entry! Thanks for reading!
🦍 ~ PlaguePJP ~ 🦍
SCP-7001 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-7001.
A phenomenal retelling of some of the site's oldest lore in a way that creates a masterful and brilliant spin on one of the most important yet previously straightforward SCP ideas. And, of course, a really great story atop that. Fantastic work.
A very strong premise that's ultimately let down by its length. None of the dialogue is particularly compelling, neither O5-1 nor the Administrator are interesting enough characters to support the story's increasing focus on them, and the plot moves from place to place but doesn't feel like it's building to anything until the final confrontation just sort of happens. The thematic importance of Site-19 and its characters as ideas ends up being diluted by exploration logs and setpieces that fail to escalate or drive the story forward.
This is an incredibly vague and unhelpful comment. If you gave me some proposed suggestions or changes, I'd appreciate this comment but I'm left reading this and not knowing anything I can change with your criticisms in mind.
While I personally disagree with ARD's assessment of this article, his criticisms are not vague at all.
These comments largely mirror my feelings. In terms of more specific recommendations, making the O5s read as more distinct from each other would address my current sense that it's an argument taking place to move a story forwards (which most fictional arguments are, but that should still be cloaked). We should feel like we're getting a slice extracted from actual events, which is somewhat lacking in those sections right now.
Delighted to have had a peak at this during crit, and have seen it go from strong to stronger over time. The story unfolds fairly subtly, but by the time we get to the end I have a clear idea that something goes wrong when we mess with Site-19, and the final log is a satisfying affirmation of the SCP project from a piece that roots itself in the earliest days of the canon. You blend humor and seriousness well—I especially like the tiny door moment—and the formatting is simple and almost… nostalgic, which I presume is intended. Best of luck to this ambitious contender!
I’m proud to have been able to look at this. Probably my favorite 7k article so far, and by far the best exploration of the “Site-19 is an anomaly” setup I’ve ever seen.
🌙ONEIRONAUT
Internet funnyman Paul “PlaguePJP” Lauge kills lolFoundation with facts and logic!
But seriously I can’t add much new here. It’s a solid article that successfully tears into old site lore in a fun, unsettling, and funny way. Well done!
+1
Very enjoyable article. I enjoyed the surrealistic style with humor and the dream sequence near the ending. It was a long article, but the pacing made it seem short.
I am also interested in the term "NeoLOLFoundation" that you have invented.
It seems like a revolutionary idea to describe modern writing. This kind of work inspires me to try to create NeoLOLFoundation-like articles in the future. Thank you very much!
Loved it in draft and love it here, especially the juxtaposition of silly with a rather interesting concept for the core anomaly
And as always your dialogue is fucking spectacular
For the purposes of critting 7k, I will be assessing your work on a 5-point scale where 1 is actively unenjoyable and 5 is exemplary. I understand that this may come off as cold, but given the volume of work I expect to be produced I feel this is a necessity to provide a comprehensive assessment of every piece. Finally, this is entirely my personal opinion. I apologize in advance if you find the crit unpleasant.
| Criteria | Comment | Score |
|---|---|---|
| Ideas and Content | It's an idea with an elevator pitch that's been done before, from the very beginning in Eberstrom's proposal. Yet unlike other Eberstrom rewrites, this actually stays fairly close to the original concept — Site-19 itself is an anomaly but otherwise everything else can be taken at face value — and extends it, by making the Senior Staff AAs part of the anomaly. The story is about the O5s asking themselves how the fuck this happened and why. | 5 |
| Organization | Starts with a cold open, an immediate hook. The next logs are exploration and slow revelation. We're in the dark as much as the O5s are. The first two thirds, I'd say, are the O5s chasing their own tails. The escalation that does occur is most evident in the red containment failure notices — we see a slow and glaringly obvious sign that things are getting more and more unstable, and it's as plain as day that the distortions caused by Site-19 get more and more extreme from log to log. It's environmental storytelling. The ending, of course, closes the loop. | 5 |
| Voice | Maintains a consistent standard of funny dialogue, a Plague classic. The voices of the O5s do blend together, however. The true stars of the show vocally are Clef, Moose, and the people who they've possessed. | 4 |
| Word Choice/Clinical Tone | No complaints/stuff that pulls me out | 5 |
| Sentence Fluency | No complaints. | 5 |
| Aesthetic | The theme is cool and easy on the eyes, the pictures are demonstratives, and the tables and failure reports serve to reinforce momentum. | 5 |
| Audience and respect | While this is ultimately a love letter to the early Foundation, it's also a celebration of modern-Foundation yet also doesn't force the reader to hunt down crosslinks. I will say it's a bit long and that might make it a hard sell, but the dialogue is not overbearing. | 4 |
Verdict: Enthusiastic +1, and a worthy winner in my opinion.
I told you in crit that this would make people mad because it drills down to the core of S1-AA antics and pulls back the curtain — superheroics. A dream of power and control from young teenagers on the internet. And this parade through the rest of everything that's sprung from it throughout the years is a reminder of that. I will say that this rubric is obviously biased — the numbers mean nothing in this case. However, the slow culmination of disaster is impossible to miss in my opinion.
Ideas and content: Is the story clear and well defined? Is there a rich sense of detail that creates a picture of environment and action, depicting knowledge and insight? Is it a fresh approach to the core anomaly?
Organization: Does the piece have a memorable hook and stinger that establish focus? Is the sequence of events effective and logical? Do transitions between sections (addenda, etc) tie the ideas of the SCP together?
Voice: Does the writing evoke strong emotion? Does it feel like the writer has fully committed to the ideas that they're writing about? Does the piece have a strong connection to the audience and purpose? Is the writer's personality expressed in that their confidence and feeling are apparent?
Word choice/clinical tone: Does the language use fitting imagery to convey pictures in readers' minds? Are the verbs powerful, the nouns precise, and the adjectives appropriate? Is dialogue, if used, natural sounding but not overwrought? Does the use of clinical tone effectively create a scientific atmosphere without obscuring meaning? If clinical tone is abandoned, is it intentional?
Sentence Fluency: Do sentences contain words that are relevant so that the meaning is enhanced and minimal unnecessary words that detract from meaning? Do sentences vary in beginnings, length, and structure. Do sentences sound smooth and rhythmic when read aloud, so they invite expressive reading?
Aesthetic: Is the CSS thematically fitting for the story being told? Is the page pleasant to look at? Is the page honest about how long it will take to read at first glance? Are format screws and other experiential flair relevant to the anomaly described?
Audience and respect: Does this respect the audience's time? Does it want to the audience to care about something that they know about? Does it rely too heavily on outside knowledge?
Based on: https://studylib.net/doc/25350238/creative-writing-rubric
While I do agree with ARD's criticisms (some of which I mentioned in the crit phase), I ultimately don't feel like they detract from an engaging story about the Foundation discovering the philosophical underpinnings of their organization, in the most amusing way possible. The log dialogue was and remains tight, I like the metacommentary, I like most of it, and it's paced well enough that I genuinely felt the length wasn't a contributing factor to my enjoyment either way.
Very good stuff. Can't wait to see it place.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
