99 Red Balloons

Summary:

99 Red Balloons carry messages from the future.

99 Red Balloons

Evolie 24 Apr 2022 11:58

https://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/evolie Tab: 99 Red Balloons

~ 600 words, short read.

This article was a bit of an exercise for me to keep my writing short. I'm looking for SPaG and line-by-line focused on clinical tone particularly, as well as feedback on whenever the messages sound natural and if I can improve on them anything. I'd also love to hear what you conclude from the article and any questions you have about it. Thank you for your time reading.

Proof I don't need greenlight: Dinner
Idea thread for reference: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-14642778/99-red-balloons

Re: 99 Red Balloons

rockemsockem 03 May 2022 00:40

I thought it was pretty good. Couple thoughts.

Show block

- Does the Foundation have a brand of postcards? Guessing not, but it'd be clearer and more impactful to include that in a footnote/superscript.

- Is it 99 red balloons for any reason other than there's a song about 99 red balloons about the end of the world? Not sure that the idea really holds up. At first it seems kind of clever until you start thinking "wait why would the reality bender with a 5-year old's mind choose 99 red balloons?" and then it becomes clear that there's no connection between the song and this article other than "both kind of have to do with the end of the world". So… maybe have the reality bender's mind be that of someone a little older and 99 red balloons is their favorite song. Or maybe it's a popular song for researchers to play at the containment facility, like gallows humor?

- How was the Foundation able to determine that SCP-XXXX-23 through -83 were flying in the sky before discovery? What's the significance of this?

- Do the messages feel natural? Eh, kind of. Some don't really work like "Duck and cover… argh, my back" which comes across as too jokey, or "ohgodohgodohgodohgod" which reads like filler.

- How to improve the messages? It'll take a bit of digging but there are transcripts out there of people realizing they're not going to make it out of a disaster. Pretty morbid and distressing stuff but hey, you've chosen to write about the end of the world here. And you're right in that the messages are critical to the article. If you can invoke a sense of panic, fear, and confusion that causes the reader to put themselves in the place of the people witnessing the event it'll really elevate things, otherwise the article might cause some people to shrug due to a lack of identifiable characters.

Good luck and congratulations!

Last edited on 03 May 2022 04:11 by rockemsockem Show more

Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Zyn 02 May 2022 06:08

Since this thread has been on the listing for a week with no responses yet, this is a quick reminder from staff for the author. Please remember to contact reviewers directly to request feedback as needed, if you haven't done so already.

This thread has information on reaching out to reviewers: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews

If you have already contacted multiple reviewers and received no reply, feel free to ask a staff member for assistance finding a reviewer.

Re: 99 Red Balloons

andromedaz 04 May 2022 15:54

Hello from another universe!

Overall

While I think you have a solid narrative going here, the way the message is conveyed is a little too subtle imo, and also unnecessarily. If the Foundation members knew to 'duck and cover', they would have a reason to do it (like an amber alert of something). I'd suggest reconsidering some of the messages they wrote, to help the reader understand a little bit better what is happening. Perhaps by removing that expungment on the last message. I like the approach here, but I'm more confused than horrified.

Overall I think I would no-vote this.

Line by line

and to be handled following the Safety Around Radioactive Materials Protocol.

Grammar error here.

No known means of deflating, or otherwise causing a change in appearance to an instance of SCP-XXXX has been found.

I'd rephrase as; No means of deflating or causing change otherwise to any SCP-XXXX instances have been successful.

The gas is composed typical to Earth's atmosphere,

Bizarre sentence structuring.

Cobalt-60

Just as a bit of input, an atom frequently affiliated with nuclear fallout is Strontium-90.

so pleaseplease,

Missing space?

Duck and cover… It's been a while, huh…

Duck and cover is affiliated with more than just nuclear bombs, including a method of protecting oneself from earthquake debris.

██████████

Why is this classified?

this evvent

Typo.

Due to their similarity to SCP-XXXX

Comma after XXXX

Those are just my opinions. Feel free to agree or disagree!

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where we landing? not tilted! ッ