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Huge thank you to FaintestGem and Skeleton08 for lending me their talents in making the photoshop/audio file. Also a big thanks to Azmoeth for the fantastic crit. Hope y’all enjoy this one, I had a blast writing it.
Artist of the photoshop - Here
Original Photo credit – Here
Audio File Creator/Schlemo VA- Here
I do enjoy the spirit of the article, as well as the overall idea of it.
That being said, I have a number of issues with it. I'm not sure if they're just personal preference or not (guess other people can comment on whether they agree or disagree with me) but I'll put them here anyways.
The main issue I found when reading was tone, especially within the exploration log. As an example:
Agent Kroemer: Holy fuck! Lowe, you alright?! That thing was sucking up your soul, man!
For one, Kroemer's line does not really sound like the reaction a trained agent would have to seeing someone's soul being sucked out. Moreover, this acts as a good showcase of something that could be improved in the article: By altering the way in which the agents approach their "exploration" of the store (i.e. having them approach everything with caution, mistrust, and some professionalism, would both help the store (and its owner) seem that much more "whimsical", whilst the agents matching the tome of the store removes it to a degree from the Foundation-trademark coldness that you expect to see from its representatives.
In that same line, some of the language used by the article makes it sound too verbose and unprofessional for an SCP containment document. As an example:
A terrified scream can be heard from one aisle
or
Agent Lowe suddenly collapses mid-sentence as the opening in the metal tube begins sucking in what can only be described as his spirit. His horrified apparition is halfway into the machine…
I think a scientist/researcher could find the words to describe whatever is being taken away as something other than someone's spirit (would the Foundation even condone the implicit acceptance of the existence of an individual's soul found within that sentence?). Instead, something along the lines of
the metal tube begins to extract an unknown, luminescent, white gas-like substance from the agent's mouth
Perhaps not the best example, but it's more in line with the dry (or, as I keep emphasizing, professional) tone that's encouraged within an article. The descriptions may not directly state something is "horrifying" or "surprising", that's a reaction the reader can get to on their own (show, don't tell applies to reading as well, after all) and one that certainly would not be added to the transcript of an official document.
In sum (and at a risk of sounding condescending), my point is best described by the "How to Write an SCP" Writing Style tab. Being precise (taking away excess adjectives) and Professional (Keeping descriptions scientific and grounded) can help affix this more to the universe, while adding to the "wackiness" of the store by showing how different the store workers and owner are to the agents (who don't need to be emotionless robots, they just need to take their jobs a bit more seriously) and to the researcher tasked with transcribing the exploration log. Do keep in mind that this critique extends beyond the exploration log and into the item list, such as:
gain the ability of flight
can be replaced by a more detailed description of what "flight" is in these circumstances (while on that topic, slightly before that line, "flight." should be changed to "flight".).
As an addendum, the distinction between Thaumaturgic and Anomalous is not one I understand in the context of the article. Is thaumaturgy not anomalous? Perhaps by defining the other anomalies into other subcategories (e.g. ontokinetic, memetic, pataphysical, etc.) you could keep the format whilst solving that potential misunderstanding.
I've gone on for long enough. Try to be more clear, concise, and professional, and this article will feel a lot stronger (in my opinion, feel free to ignore or disagree). I hope I did help out in some form, and good luck.
Edit: Two things I forgot to add: First is that I'm keeping a no-vote for the time being, subject to change should I come back to find improvements have been made (not necessarily my recommendations, but who knows). Second is that the cook being called "Consuelo" feels just a tad more stereotypical than necessary, especially when considering it's an inter-dimensional entity that could just as well be called "Zyadxa'byth" or "Sound of a page being ripped" or, well, anything that's not an old stereotype. But that detail especially is up to taste I suppose.
Very excellent critique. You were correct in assuming I was going for a more 'whimsical' feeling with the store and a dash of comedy.
1. [Foundation-trademark coldness that you expect to see from its representatives] - Part of me wants to agree, but also I've always sort of had the belief that the Foundation isn't always cold and emotionless. There's regular people mixed up in there that won't react to anomalies how the Foundation might want them to.
2. That brings me to my second point. Kroemer and Lowe belong to the Department of Extraversal Affairs, which me and my group are sort of building up to be composed of some more questionable figures and strange happenings. In our canon, the D.E.A handles all that extraversal weirdness the rest of the Foundation might not be well-equipped to handle and it sort of rubs off on them.
3. All of your points on my transcript errors, like the description of the soul, are very true and aspects I plan to edit/change once the contest is over.
4. The same goes with my descriptions in the item category. I sort of struggled in categorizing them, because I established that the store sells anomalous and normal goods. Nobody wants to read an item description about a normal bag of cheetos. So I tried to separate them into magic(described on the packaging as enchanted or with some sort of purpose) and the anomalous(strange or outright useless features). I'd love to hear from you if you have some other ideas on how to categorize them, the ones you provided are great.
5. I don't even have an excuse for the adjectives. Not writing for SCP in a year+ has made me way too rusty for my liking.
Overall, I thank you for the crit and I'm happy that you enjoyed the spirit of the story. I look forward to the end of the contest so you can see a new and improved version!
Edit: The Consuelo bit is for one of the contest mini-awards, which requires the inclusion of Chorizo Stew/Consuelo. Also, I don't believe I can edit it during the competition, only afterwards.
All that sounds great. I suppose that as you flesh out the DEA we'll get a better feeling of how the people within behave, so that's a good response. I did not know about the mini award, so I suppose my gripe is with someone else. I also look forward to the improvements you can make in the future.
Also, thanks to Zyn for being kind enough to collapse the full blown essay I wrote near midnight and didn't think to make less abrasive until after I had gone to sleep.
I found this fun and engaging, and it's in-line tonally with a good plurality of modern SCP entries. At no point did I feel bogged down by the story or the prose.
I think, to a certain extent, clinical does not mean overcomplicated, and aside from a few minor tone breaks this stayed well within clinical tone for me.
Great concept. Interdimensional stores are such a cool concept. Because of their innate wacky and strange nature, you can really be creative with so many items and people. However, my major issue with your work. Is the tone, someone earlier mentioned tone, and I have to agree. I get the vibe you're trying to go for. However, this is still the foundation; it would make more sense for everyone around them to be strange or weird. However, since these guys are still employees, their behavior somewhat dictates the whole idea of them. They feel more like two good friends as opposed to foundation employees dealing with an interdimensional store. I feel like they need to be more grounded if that makes any sense.
Pain.
I feel like they need to be more grounded if that makes any sense.
It definitely does. Like I told Zap, do plan on making some changes after the contest to keep their strange personalities but give them a tad bit more of formality.
I was prepared to -1 this, because it's a lot of ingredients that have been done many times before, but somehow, you brought them together into a whole that I really like. Nicely done. (But I do think the post-contest changes you've talked about elsewhere in the thread will be to the article's benefit.)
How many episodes of Rick and Morty did you watch before writing this, exactly? If you keep up the interdimensional cable vibe you guys are definitely getting my vote at the end of the contest!
#10
i don't have a ton to say about this one. i liked it, it's fun. i feel like you coulda leaned into the weirdness in portions but it's by no means bad, just gets a little samey about halfway through. also the delineation between thaumaturgic items and anomalous items seems kind of illogical and unnecessary, but like, whatever — it's entertaining romp for what it is.
Ah fuck that last audio file was good. Singlehandedly convinced me to upvote. Really good job on the products and just the intonation and timing for it. That one's really good.
As for the rest of the article, I must admit it had lost me since then. While the idea is simple, I feel like it's one of those that can really shine in the execution, and I'm not quite sure it does. Considering the reception, this is most likely down to my humor; the humor of the exploration log feels too on-the-nose. It's unsubtle, but also doesn't feels like it has any punch to it. Also, these two agents are describe as professionals in their field and it just feels dissonant with how they react with the store.
So ye, it's an upvote, but very close to a novote. I feel like it really needs finesse in the comedy aspect, especially the timing, to really shine through, tho maybe that's just me.
(account deleted)
