SEEKING GREENLIGHT
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Summary:
There no point coming here
MTF squad made up of plumbers and janitors
Why? They're not trained for the job. I work in a pet shop but I couldn't leap in as a vet, and visa versa.
My idea is a dangerous hard to contain anomaly which hides in toilets eating those who sit on it and forces them into a different dimension
Okay — why does it do this? How does it do this? How does it choose its victims? How do we know it does this? How was it discovered?
The overall story would consist of mysterious toilet with an unknown origin
What is the story? You need to tell us to get correct, thorough critique.
At the moment, the idea is very bland and has no story behind it. You have up to 400 words in the last three sections of the template (and no limit on word count for replies, though it's wise to use collapsibles on anything more than a couple of paragraphs) — it would be helpful both to you and people giving feedback if you considered that in this case.
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Dont ask how does it do it. It is an anomolie it is supposed to be mysterious and unknown.
noop10011, it's completely fine for reviewers to ask questions about the mechanics/background of an anomaly. Please do not backseat mod in this manner; if you feel that someone is breaking site rules with regards to giving feedback, please notify a staff member so we can handle the matter.
It is an anomolie it is supposed to be mysterious and unknown.
This can actually backfire if the material is mysterious to the point of seeming lazily written or just incomplete. The "it's supposed to be that way" explanation for articles where the reader is just confused isn't going to convince anyone to give upvotes/enjoy the piece solely because they're supposed to feel like something is missing.
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Central Narrative: The overall story is centred around a dangerous object who hides in toilets, which can teleport requiring a special MTF squad to pick it up every year
This isn't enough of a narrative to carry your story as is. Who are the characters? What's the conflict? How is it resolved? How do you want your audience to react to this article? How do you plan to make it funny?
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General note, please mind the Ideas Critique required reading wordcount limit for the concept critique template.
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If you expect a reviewer to read the extended central narrative material in the post above, then that needs to factor into the wordcount. Otherwise, it needs to be made clear in the earlier post that that central narrative content is optional reading.
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I'm one of the pickiest reviewers on the site and I rarely give greenlights. Looking at the concept, my review would be negative (sorry, I really don't find this funny, and I have trouble believing that the Foundation would ever create an MTF in the manner you've described). With this in mind, are you certain you want critique from me? I would be recommending some major rewrites.
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…to confirm, are you asking me for critique, yes or no?
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FireSlayer2205, instead of posting multiple comments in succession, please edit your previous post using the "edit" function under the "options" tab to the lower right of every comment. That helps prevent spam, and is noted in the Site Rules.
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Preface: I don't think this will work as presented, sorry.
Throughout the read, I had a hard time taking the concept seriously, because there are a lot of inconsistencies between my headcanon of Foundation professionalism and the (admittedly kind of goofy) presentation that is in the concept. There were multiple questions I had, most immediately:
- why did the toilet eat the guard and not the janitor cleaning it?
- how did the janitor get such quick communication with the O5 Council, who really don't need to be involved with this anomaly at all?
- why does the anomaly target toilets specifically? If it's a matter of hunting people when they have their guard down, why not go for beds or chairs or public transportation?
- why is the O5 Council doing any training?
- why are plumbers and janitors being trained to essentially do MTF work, which for this case would be better suited for field agents who area already familiar with reconnaissance, stealth work, and using cover stories?
- why do people need to be trained to find this anomaly without any supportive gear, or animal assistance? Dogs have way better sense of smell than humans.
- I don't buy Timothy Smith's story. If he doesn't get the guard position, the Foundation has no obligation to give him a janitor job. The skillset doesn't really overlap and besides, the Foundation doesn't really put up job opening posters, being a shadow organization that the general public shouldn't know exists.
- why did the toilet just happen to manifest its anomaly near the janitor, and just happen to eat a guard very obviously, and then just happen to disappear too? Besides making the story convenient to tell?
- why is Timothy leading the training? He doesn't have any leadership or seminar-giving qualifications/training certification. He just happened to be a coincidental witness.
- How did the Foundation know to go looking for the anomaly through Australia, let alone assume it works on an annual basis?
I want people to feel happy for the guards goal coming true even if he is still technically a janitor
The issue is that it's too contrived and too easy for this guy. I personally don't really feel like the guy as a character deserves his convenient story, since he didn't really do anything to earn it. The author hands the circumstance to him, he doesn't struggle at all, plus he was already in an unusually beneficial situation to begin with. If you really want to set this up as a story of someone achieving a well-deserved goal people will be happy about, the story will need to have a more genuine conflict and believable setup.
and I want the viewer to have a laugh reading this MTF squad smelling thousands of toilets across Australia and have a laugh reading citizen witness' report of strange people pulling them out of a toilet to sniff it
I personally didn't find any of this funny, mostly because I don't think there's any need for toilet-smelling. If not dogs trained to alert on the anomaly's specific scent, the Foundation could develop an electronic nose instrument keyed into the scent signature of the anomaly.
the conflict in this article is the guard against his situation which is solved
There isn't really a conflict here—the main character doesn't do anything meaningful to improve his situation or himself.
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Most of the concerns I noted are still present, most notably the severe unprofessionalism exhibited by the Foundation and the unusually forced toilet humor. I don't think the O5 need to be involved or even mentioned at all, it feels weird how much time and resources the Foundation is investing in this anomaly when they don't know anything about its mechanics (why create a task force and make them sniff toilets, and also put robots in all toilets anyway, instead of just setting up surveillance and a civilian-level reporting system with phone lines and emails?). The core anomaly also feels super contrived, in that it seems to solely exist the way it does to try and artificially cause a humorous (?) situation. Why does the anomaly target toilets specifically? It doesn't seem to have any reason to do so in-universe.
Sorry, but if you really want to attempt this approach:
I want people to be intrigued at the beginning, laughing at the discovery, containment breach and witness reports
with a toilet anomaly that must have the "MTF sniff toilets" storyline, I don't think I can help you with this. I as a reader have a really hard time taking something like this seriously, and this particular kind of humor doesn't really resonate with me.
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Have you considered just trying something else, given the responses so far?
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FireSlayer2205, instead of posting multiple comments in succession, please edit your previous post using the "edit" function under the "options" tab to the lower right of every comment. That helps prevent spam buildup, and is noted in the Site Rules.
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Stop spamming messages. As per the site rules:
Don't make contentless or excessively short posts (spam), don't bump threads for attention, and don't post on threads more than a few months old if you're not contributing substantially to the conversation.
Leveritas would u please give me some feedback now that i re-did it
No, because I think the whole concept is rather juvenile, no matter how much you try to salvage it. If you're having trouble getting feedback, reach out to one of the butterfly squad. Stop bumping the thread or saying ''I changed it'' until you had more feedback.
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FireSlayer2205, please endeavor to be courteous and patient with reviewers rather than accusing them and typing excessive allcaps responses; if you feel that someone has violated the Criticism Policy, please notify a staff member and disengage from the discussion rather than escalating the matter.
Maybe if you attempted to read my article or MY REPLY YOU COMMENTED UNDER would you realise I completely took out the bad humour and juvenile feel.
It's still not clear in-universe or narratively why the spirit specifically needs to target toilets. This may be the reason Leveritas finds the premise to be juvenile, since the toilet-based anomaly and toilet-based MTFs feel gratuitous.
maybe if you actually knew what you were talking about you would realise […] Telling him I am having a hard time making this decision. And then telling him that I made up my mind and then telling him I was finished fixing it.
You can do this with edits to a single post, or via wikidot message.
(THIS IS CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. DON'T GET UPSET)
If you want your comment to read as intended to be constructive, please refrain from using unnecessary statements like, "Maybe if you attempted to read" or "maybe if you actually knew what you were talking about".
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Can u please explain that it's over
I'm not sure what you're asking here. Explain that what is over?
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Also can u delete this thread under my request
Staff typically don't delete forum threads, barring instances of extreme rule-breaking behavior, and never do so at user request. If you would like it locked, I could forward a request to someone who can do so. Otherwise, blanking your posts should suffice.
Hexick, SCP Wiki Operational Staff, Community Outreach/MAST/Licensing/Site Crit
Personal site: http://hexhouse.wikidot.com/
Feel free to forward any concerns or inquiries to my Wikidot inbox.
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No. Those will remain permanently visible regardless of whether the thread is locked, or if they're blanked.
Hexick, SCP Wiki Operational Staff, Community Outreach/MAST/Licensing/Site Crit
Personal site: http://hexhouse.wikidot.com/
Feel free to forward any concerns or inquiries to my Wikidot inbox.
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page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
