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Well I think this my… ninth scp? I don't remember but I'm glad I was able to get this one on the site. It certainly had been tricky getting what I wanted but I liked the result in the end.
I want to give credit to HarryBlank and
GremlinGroup for critting this for me. This draft was widely different from what it was now, and I loved the good work they had done.
Image Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Crack_(14415831884).jpg
It's such a fantastic concept, but you manage to do it justice - the behaviour of the crack is really nicely designed, and the story the anomaly plays a part in is very engaging. Great job!
Okay I have some thoughts on this one. First and least noteworthy, there's a good deal of SPaG. Like, one time you use a ? instead of a :, in the last dialogue part I think, and there's just sprinkles of missing words and misspellings elsewhere, not super dense but they exist and you could use a once-over. I didn't do a line-by-line because I am feeling pretty sick right now and I just doooon't feel like it, sorry, heheh.
Okay so. Your base anomaly is like, great Series I material. I mean, I don't think it's very well-defined (you say at one point that it gains the ability to extend its "mass" into the air, and I'm pretty sure it's like, very specifically a being made of no mass, it is the crack, so…?) but it's easy to imagine and it has a good aesthetic to it. I like the thought process of, "what if a crack slithered like a snake and ate other cracks," that's just some really upfront fun design, y'know?
Then you go into the experiments and lost me for a bit. Those just aren't my types of articles, and the experiments here weren't giving a ton of development except to show that it was being experimented on. If I was the type to stop reading articles halfway through, I might've done so there, because it wasn't interesting to me. However, you pulled it back around, not only with having the rest of the article be good, but by having the experiment log serve a narrative purpose. You were demonstrating to the reader the amount of care and interest that this main guy, uhh it's been a day since I read this (fell a-sick-sleep last night after I finished) but I think his name was Duson? You were demonstrating how invested Duson was, which becomes a big plot point. The later plot wouldn't have landed as well without an experiment log — in fact I don't know if it would have landed, period. So, like. Super props. I think the one thing I would change about the experiment log is to have the experiments be directly related to slash foreshadowing the ways that the crack changes later. There isn't much of that — you mostly just demonstrate reasons Duson wants to keep it around, which are nice, but we only need about one of those (having it be able to repair things). Stuff like, it moving slower through metal, that never comes back up.
However, like, the rest of the article? Pretty damn good. The one thing that kept pinging on my radar was the non-clinical descriptions of the GOC antagonist-guy being mean when not in the dialogue sections. Like, "he reprimanded his staff harshly," this isn't necessary for the Foundation's internal document on this occurrence. Unless, of course, Duson is writing this file… which would make sense if not for how it ended. But other than that, you made a fun killing-spree romp with a big crack-in-the-ground and some tensions between the Foundation and the GOC. No clue why this is at a mere +20, this should be +50 at least.
+1 if it wasn't obvious, heheh.
I remember thinking about something like this a while ago. I'm happy the concept is now on the wiki and quite like the execution here. Taking the idea of a Series I style SCP and involving it in a narrative about the GOC I haven't quite seen like this was a good idea, that really lets the concept shine. +1
Wow, I really liked this article! The SCP itself was interesting and well explained, and the story was beautifully handled. I especially liked how Duson and Delong were handled. +1, no doubt.
That being said, I did notice a couple of grammatical and punctuation mistakes. I'll make my best attempt to note all of them down, but I'll surely miss a few. Some of them aren't technically wrong, but a matter of style and "official" terminology. Feel free to completely disregard those if you feel your version works better.
SCP-6029 is to kept in a containment chamber at Site-43
"SCP-6029 is to be kept in (…)." There are two instances of this sentence.
Personnel are forbidden to make physical contact with SCP-6029 under any circumstance.
"under any circumstances," but I think that phrase is mostly used on negatives. So the sentence should probably be more like "Personnel should not make physical contact with SCP-6029 under any circumstances," or "Personnel are strictly forbidden to make physical contact with SCP-6029," or even just "Physical contact with SCP-6029 is strictly forbidden."
as it is fully capable of penetrating deep in the object's interior.
"into an object's interior."
SCP-6029 displays signs of sentience.
Not a grammar error, but I feel like, by the end of the article, it's very clear that the skip is sentient.
when a sentient being intentionally strikes against the entity or destroys the object it is currently inhabiting.
Also not an error, and this is more of a subjective preference, but I feel like referring to an SCP by anything other than its SCP designation or "it" doesn't work that well unless it's absolutely necessary.
a path directly to the offending subject and attempt to attach itself.
"attach itself to it," or "to them." I don't think there's a consistent pronoun used for human subjects in SCP documents.
SCP-6029 will expand and envelop the body and remain until expiration.
"SCP-6029 will expand and envelop their body, remaining until expiration."
SCP-6029 will then detach and resume its passive state.
"detach from the subject," this is not a mistake, but a stylistic choice.
videos and internet posts began circulating online showing it absorbing a multitude of fissures on a sidewalk
"began circulating online, showing it (…)"
At the time, SCP-6029 was incapable of traversing loose granular substances. It has since gained this ability.
I feel like you could cut "It has since gained this ability" and explain just as much, though this is not necessary.
I believe that we can further entice SCP-6029 into further submission with this in mind.
"we can further entice SCP-6029 into further submission."
I'll request for an investigation into the matter but I doubt much will come of it.
"I'll request for an investigation" or "I'll make a request for an investigation."
D-41289 vocalized heightened sounds of anguish as he begin to bleed profusely.
"as he begun to bleed"
The team ordered D-41289 to make physical contact with the cube; he obliged.
"oblige" means "to do something as or as if as a favor." The D-Class was ordered to do so, so I think a verb along the lines of "obeyed" or "complied" would work better.
We need to be careful in our approach in handling SCP-6029.
"in our approach to the handling of SCP-6029."
Good thing we got to it first, I would hate to see what our enemies would do to it given the chance. —Duson
Forgot the "Dr." in "Dr. Duson"
Site-77 experienced a serious earthquake.
Not a mistake, but I would clarify the magnitude of the earthquake instead of describing it as "serious." I get why terms like this are handy, but I don't think they work on an SCP document.
SCP-6029 was contained and was transferred to Site-43 due to it possessing advanced earthquake-resistant architecture
"SCP-6029 was contained and was transferred to Site-43" parallel structure is hard.
Burchard: Oh, nothing much. We just need you to hand over the crack.
not a mistake or anything, this just made me laugh
Delong sets a briefcase on the table, opens it and pushes several documents to Dr. Duson and Director McInnis.
"pushes several documents towards Dr. Duson and Director McInnis."
We theorized if we had it fully infect a piece of flammable material and incinerated it, it would be liquidated.
The correct term is "hypothesized," but since this is a conversation and the two words tend to be conflated, it doesn't matter as much.
Nineteen to be exact, with five of them being high ranking generals who were at the wrong place at the wrong time.
"high-ranking generals"
That would a tragedy enough without counting the handful of injured soldiers and damage costs.
"That would be enough of a tragedy" or "That would be tragic enough." The structure for this kind of sentence goes Adj. + enough and enough of a + Noun.
I know certainly the U.S. government would welcome us with open arms after that little incident in Cuba. But I digress.
"after that little incident in Cuba, but I digress."
He was practically threating us.
The correct spelling is "threatening."
I love to cooperate to shove my foot up his ass!
This sentence doesn't work grammatically, maybe it could be something like "I'd love to cooperatively shove my foot up his ass" or "I'd love to cooperate by shoving my foot up his ass!" But if your goal was to make Duson get the grammar wrong to make him show impotent anger or something like that, you could make him stammer and trip over his words to really convey that.
Director McInnis: This is not a fight that would end well for us. We haven't been doing so well in recent years, in terms of global influence. The last thing we need is to drive more of our 'friends' away.
also not a mistake, i just really really like when articles show the limits of what the foundation can do.
If only we sent it here in the first place.
"If only we had sent it (…)" but again, this is spoken word, and most people, especially those with American dialects, tend to omit the use of the past and present perfect when speaking casually.
Nothing we can do about Dr. Duson.
"Nothing we can do about it, Dr. Duson" or "Nothing we can do about, Dr. Duson."
SCP-6029's anomalous capabilities were also increased incrementally during this time period
Besides the tense, I would also change the word "increased" to avoid accidental alliteration. Something like "SCP-6029's anomalous capabilities were also expanding incrementally during this time period." Also, I believe "time period" is used almost exclusively to refer to historical periods in time (like, the Dark Ages, or the Cold War)
the primary changes being the entity's size being enlarged and the eventual independence from subsistence.
I'd suggest "an increase in size" to make the sentence flow better. Also, I don't know what you mean with "independence from subsistence"
The maid was administered amnestics
Again, personal choice, but I'd clarify the type of amnestics used.
A GOC military bunker became subject to attack during the night when most of the operatives were asleep.
"during the night, when most of the operatives were asleep."
SCP-6029's threat-level was increased by the GOC and they diverted significant resources for its termination.
"diverted significant resources towards its termination."
an experimental task force consisting of proficient reality benders conditioned through the use of amnestics and advanced hypnosis
Not a mistake but a pet peeve of mine as someone who knows a bit about hypnosis. You can't actually force anyone to do anything they wouldn't want to do with hypnosis. Hypnosis is basically a way to make someone more susceptible to direct their focus and blur the line between conscious and subconscious. I would call it "extensive amnestic treatment and reconditioning" or something like that. Conditioning can certainly involve hypnosis, especially with someone who's memories have been erased, but just hypnosis wouldn't do the trick.
This task force was deployed upon receipt of reports that SCP-6029 was in South Korea.
"upon receiving reports." And the following is more of a stylistic choice, but I'd write "reports **of SCP-6029 being seen in South Korea."
While the bodies in the initial ruble were easily identified, the ones in the lower levels were not as they had been disfigured to the point where dental records were unviable for identification.
"the ones in the lower levels were not, as they (…)"
Reporter: Construction crews are working tirelessly to rescue any persons trapped inside.
"persons" is not grammatically incorrect, but it's an extremely formal term.
[Dr. Duson concentration is disrupted and he switches off the monitor with a remote.]
"Dr. Duson's concentration," but I'd just replace the entire thing with a simple "[Dr. Duson switches off the television]"
What?! No, I… just am surprised, is all.
"I… I'm just surprised, is all." (Though technically "is all" would also be incorrect, that expression is commonly used when speaking)
and yes I was amused when the reports came of 6029 attacking them
"and yes, I was amused"
[Delong sits at the table and rests the briefcase on the table.]
"rests his briefcase"
I had expected him to be here with you.
"I had expected him" or "I was expecting him"
What? He's dead. Daniel Burchard. Council member of the 108… dead? How?
"He's dead? Daniel Burchard, council member of the 108…"
He was at the U.N. when it happened?
Not incorrect, especially considering the tone of the conversation so far, but I would still go for "Was he at the U.N."
Burchard wasn't getting much sleep
This implies he was trying to sleep during the meeting, which would be hilariously incompetent. Did you mean "hadn't gotten much sleep"?
The 108s went silent in less than five minutes, including Under-Secretary-General al Fine.
Did you mean "Under-Secretary-General Al Fine" (as in, his name is Al) or did you repeat the "al" in "general" by accident?
I'm… here in hopes I can… (Sigh).
For consistency, I'd replace the parentheses with "[Delong sighs]"
Maybe get more information on the skip…
Delong works for the GOC and hasn't used Foundation slang before. I'm not saying he wouldn't know it, but maybe it'd work better if he kept calling SCP-6029 "the crack."
Director McInnis: …That can arranged.
"That can be arranged."
Delong slides some documents to Director McInnis
"slides some documents towards Director McInnis"
Delong: It's far enough from the U.S. and that thing has never attacked a hybrid Site before. It's also by the ocean so we can hop on a boat if worse comes to worse.
This is actually a really good choice for a site to contain SCP-6029. Most of the eastern coast of South America has VERY low risk of seismic activity. I'd say it's even worth clarifying in this line of dialogue.
after all this time they want nothing more to do with that crack.
"they'd want nothing more to do"
Alright… I'll see soon.
"I'll see you soon."
After receipt of this news, Director McInnis ordered an investigation into all matters relating to SCP-6029.
"After receiving these news" or even "After hearing these news"
Don't play the fool, Duson.
I believe "play dumb" is more commonly used.
Dr. Duson: Finally. Let's see how you did.
Dr. Duson: How-
Not a grammar error, but you need to differentiate the Duson in the video shown in the log and the Duson reacting to it.
SCP-6029 sinks into the ground than disappears.
"sinks into the ground then disappears."
After his conviction, Dr. Duson's memory was altered via amnestics and advanced hypnosis.
Not an error, but I think Class-F amnestic treatment is what the foundation uses to rewrite identities.
The GOC praised the Foundation for their efforts and invited multiple representatives to Dr. Duson's capitol punishment.
"Dr. Duson's capital punishment."
Dr. Duson continued to proclaim his innocence and attempt to shift blame before being hanged by the neck until dead on 11/10/2021.
"Hanged by the neck until dead" is unnecessary. Just "hanged" is enough.
And lastly, one general subjective critique: I feel like you could remove most if not all of the descriptions of expressions and emotions in the logs. The dialogue itself already conveys those emotions perfectly.
But again, I really liked this article. A good idea executed well.
I fixed a lot of the errors you mentioned. Thanks for pointing them out. And I'm glad you liked the article
I love all the twists and turns in this one! Plus the references to the chair and the ships. He totally forgot about the times when the GOC totally saved the world like when that satellite neutralized that Russian psychic abberation thing.
Rambling. So +1
i like the story, but i can't like the skip, because GOC. i come to like this GOI recently, read a lot of their tales, and i generally prefer competent organization, i don't like stubborn and stupid GOC. i prefer competent organization with different philosophy that have some really good arguments about how it's better to get killed then to be at foundation's hands. so… good story, but no enough for me to forgive the basic premise, which i really dislike. SCP come really incompetent, too.
i hoped for cool GOC-SCP cooperation when i read the description on 43 hub. no vote, but one that means - good story, premise i dislike.
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