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Hey there! First tale! I read the site for years now, and only recently decided on writing something to relieve myself of stress. (I blame the exams.)
I decided to write mainly tales, since that's more my thing. Hope you all like it! Please critique, I would love to have some feedback on how to improve. I'm just a new, and probably horrible, writer after all.
Your tenses seem to jump around a bit, not sure if that was intentional or not though and you have a few bits of dodgy grammar.
"Saints don't have to look good. Ours definitely doesn't." should be "saints don't have to look good. Our definitely don't"
"You clearly haven't seen him without the polish. We're all human inside after all, don't you agree? Even with all the costumes, we're all the same. Don't judge a book by it's cover, nor classify it by the title." I wasn't sure if this was a third person talking or the man with the gears? If it was the gear man he shouldn't be referring to himself in the third person as he doesn't do that at any other time as far as I saw.
Was this part of a series or a standalone?
"Saints don't have to look good. Ours definitely doesn't." should be "saints don't have to look good. Our definitely don't"
This is definitely not correct. The "saint" in question is singular and therefore "does not" is correct. "Ours" in this context is a pronoun (standing in for "our saint") and therefore always has the "s". "Our" is an adjective only.
I wasn't sure if this was a third person talking or the man with the gears? If it was the gear man he shouldn't be referring to himself in the third person as he doesn't do that at any other time as far as I saw.
It's the gear man, but he isn't talking about himself, he is talking about his "saint".
Ah I just misread that bit about the saints then. I read it as the "ours" meaning multiple saints, my apologies for the error! And again I think I just didn't read that bit with the gear man talking in the right way so it didn't quite make sense to me.
"Ours", the pronoun, always has an "s", like all possessive pronouns except "mine"1 (his, hers, its, yours, ours, mine) regardless of whether the noun it is replacing is singular or plural.
"Each team has a different mascot. Ours is a duck. We all have hats. Ours have yellow bills."
I didn't know that about possessive pronouns, thanks for the info though. I'll make sure not to incorrectly correct that again!
Sirpudding is right. The CotBG member was referring to his own 'Saint', who looks like basically a human brain in metal suit.
That line was the church member's. He was referring to how both sides are entirely human in origin.
This was just some lighthearted thing I felt like writing. I have something a little less lighthearted on my sandbox, but I don't know whether I'll put that here. Like the other commenters said, there're continuity issues, considering Metaphysician hasn't even finished this canon yet.
+1
Really like it! Two anamolous… things… meeting up, each trying to act human. Quite fun! In my mind, the narrator definitely comes from the same neighborhood as Beuremont.
EDIT: Evidently, after reading all the OTHER comments, there's clearly a whole canon that this is pulling from that I am unaware of. Either way, I think that stands as a testiment to the story, since it stands well enough on its own that I still liked it.
PS. I still like my Beuremont headcanon.
Is this just general anomalous activity, or something specific? If the latter, I'm afraid I couldn't suss out what. Either way, the conversation was hard to follow, I couldn't figure out who was accusing whom of being a priest or whatever.
Ah sorry! I really need to work on that.
Anyway, the narrator describes the CotBG member as a priest by accident, when she was trying to stay inconspicuous the entire time. That gave her away.
Halkost
Archons
Sarkicist Halloween. I'm done.
"Archon" is gnostic, and also shows up in Fithist stuff…
Considering there's a visible tension between the narrator and what's obviously a CotBG member, the use of the term "Halkost" which I've never seen anywhere in the world outside of Metaphysician's sandbox, and this line:
They occasionally forget to grow eyes and walk into walls and assimilate themselves, but at least I don't do that.
I think it's pretty cut-and-dried.
I don't think this is meant to be any form of canon (or, at least, I hope) so I can safely upvote this even though it contradicts pretty much everything that's already been written on Sarkicism.
Oh, I wasn't saying that it wasn't Sarkist Halloween, just that I just now noticed that both Sarkism and Fithism has "Archons".
I'm not very well versed in what the Fifthist do. I know they have Archons as well, but I'm unsure of what they do.
The Fifthist confuse me, as do many others, I'm sure.
Now I will thinking if the Fifthists also worship the Sarkic Demiurge. We need material to cover that end, yes?
Fithists are afraid of the Archons, and given their real world inspiration, I would imagine the goal is to personally escape from the demiurges preferably via apotheosis.
Yeah, I wasn't planning any sort of serious thing while writing. I pretty much ran out of names to call certain things and had to pull from the sandbox.
What remains of humans from The Flesh that Hates, I seriously have no idea. They just looked eyeless and honestly, more like not-very-intelligent cannon fodder. Which explains the 'walking into walls and fusing into it by accident' line.
This story conceives a universe where 610 spread across the planet.
Oh, that one's new to me.
What I had in mind was SCP-2510, Our Broken salvation.
Where the victory of either side will be destructive, with the Broken Church blowing up the entire surface, or the Sarkics, well, spreading everywhere.
I just had the idea of a 'middle ground' between the two being more important, and probably less destructive, than an absolute victory. I do have a short tale on my sandbox on it, but I don't think it's good enough yet.
