SCP-5469 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-5469.

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Author Post

OriTiefling 25 Jun 2021 00:19

The day starts like the rest we've seen
Another carbon copy of an old routine
The days keep coming, one out one in
They keep coming
- Waitress, "Opening Up"

Hello, it is I, Ori with SCP #4. This is my longest one yet, because tbh I had a lot to say. This is a bit of a love letter to my father who comes from a small town. A few things in here directly reference his lived experience and things he's been told. Small towns are beautiful places and deserving of so much love, but they've been hit hard by economic crisis that leaves the locals poor and trapped where they are. Beyond that, they thrive on these local establishments that serve not only as services, but as places the community can gather. What would you do to keep your community's backbone from vanishing? Diners, salons, cafes…these places mean more to small and marginalized communities than it might seem.

Thank you so much to bigslothonmyface, Limeyy, DrBleep, and AmserTheTree for wonderful crit that helped refine this piece and give it the ending it needed. You all were wonderful.

EDIT: +50 THANK YOU!!!

Edit: I never did a proper edit for when this broke +100. I think today, even with all the other things I've written for the wiki, this remains my favorite work. People may disagree, but I really feel like there's something about this one that stays with me. I'm the proudest of this work so far.

+Fanworks

Goose and Bluejay at the Diner by Randie

Goose and Bluejay being cute by Randie

Last edited on 20 Nov 2023 01:47 by OriTiefling Show more

Re: Author Post

cabbage patch 15 Nov 2021 03:59

Jay needed to stop Kyana, not Gus. So why didn't he?

+100

OriTiefling 16 Dec 2022 19:20

So it broke +100. Sincerely, thank you all for the support with this article. It is my personal favorite work of mine on the site to this day. Maybe not my best work, but my favorite because of the story it tells and what it represents. The fact that it has been so well received is amazing to me, and I am eternally grateful to this community for supporting my work. I know my style is a bit out of the norm, I know I write stories that are shockingly mundane for a site about the weird and wonderful, but I am thankful nonetheless that my stories are enjoyed by so many people.

Thank you all.

Phantom8 25 Jun 2021 01:21

+ Hi!

Another day, another great article, your work is very good and this is no exception! Overall I enjoyed it a lot, I do love me a good time loop story after all. There were some parts that seemed a bit too casual for the Foundation imo (Not talking about convos or anything, full clinical document parts) but it wasn't anything too serious for a downvote.

I like how you developed the theme you were going for, I feel like it really landed, all the characters were phenomenal too! I could actually imagine how each one would act and an irl conversation with them. Good job!

Final thing is the ending, the only part that kinda bugs me. In my opinion it was just too abrupt, like it just exists for the sake of existing. As far as I understand, Bluejay never suffered any repercussions from his actions (Keep in mind it isn't obligatory, however you set up this kinda of subplot where you give insight as to what might happen to Bluejay if he breaks protocol, you mention him getting relieved from working on 5469, or even worse, getting fired, however you don't do anything with that, which made it feel like wasted or misused potential)

With the final line too (BTW I am in no way homophobic or hateful towards the LGBTQ+ community, I merely want to point this detail out from a narrative perspective) you end your skip with an "I love you" from Bluejay to Goose, this would be perfectly fine except for the fact that this is never hinted at, never expanded on, never used again, nothing. If it was something you'd been subtly setting up from the start then hell yeah! That would have been a great ending, however as it stands now, it just seems like it exists for the sake of doing so, like it's an afterthought used merely to insert some representation. (Again, I am not attacking you for including it, nor am I attacking homophobic relationships in any way, I am merely pointing out that, from a narrative standpoint, that last line comes out of left field and is very weakly connected to the rest of the article)

Overall, fantastic skip! Good job!

Last edited on 25 Jun 2021 03:08 by Phantom8 Show more

OriTiefling 25 Jun 2021 01:47

So Bluejay's repercussion here doesn't need to come from the Foundation- it comes from the anomaly itself. Him going against guidelines results in him being eternally incorporated into the anomaly and knowing that at the end of each day he'll die just to live it over again. The Foundation doesn't need to punish him- he's trapped in his own personal hell already.

As for the "I love you"- I get it. Not everyone will resonate with that, and don't worry I know it isn't for homophobic reasons. My idea was to present what seems like a more nuanced, casual relationship between Jay and Goose. What you see here is a mature relationship, one where they don't need to be lovey dovey in their interactions to be close to one another. Jay is able to recognize love language in the young couple's interactions because he's there already. I debated being more explicit in earlier dialogue, but frankly I feel like this kind of subtle relationship isn't seen often enough. I definitely see why it doesn't land for some, but I stand by writing it this way.

Overall thank you so much for reading and the wonderful feedback!

Phantom8 25 Jun 2021 03:05

Thanks for taking the time to reply! Now I get what was happening at the end, I retract my statement, being trapped in a time loop is one hell of a punishment. Glad that was cleared up, it really makes the ending better!

As for the relationship, I totally understand the approach you're going for, while I don't think it's the best narrative-wise, I don't think it's executed terribly. It's a little too subtle in my opinion but it's your writing style, I'm not one to tell ya how to write.

Overall great article, and this explanation makes it even better!

Last edited on 25 Jun 2021 03:05 by Phantom8 Show more

OriTiefling 25 Jun 2021 15:24

Thanks so much for the thoughtful feedback and compliments!

Sound Chaser 25 Jun 2021 22:35

Well… fuck, you got me there. The way this was going, I was absolutely sure that this was leading to a happy resolution, and that last bit hit me like a train. And it wouldn't have had half the effect if you hadn't sketched the characters so well, so good job there. A great mix of warmth and sadness.

OriTiefling 27 Jun 2021 00:55

Thank you so much! I adore happy endings, I really do. That said, some of my best work is in tragedy. Things that seem like they'll turn out fine but in the end the worst happens. I'm inspired by Greek myths in that way.

Overall the fact that it resonated with you like this means I was successful. Thank you for reading!

peppermint_legos 25 Jun 2021 22:43

Good lord, there's a lot of heart in this. Sweet, sharp, and incredibly well done. As a small town kid myself, a lot of this hit all the right chords.

Thank you for this beautiful snapshot!

OriTiefling 27 Jun 2021 00:57

Wonderful to hear from someone that this piece, honestly, was written for. I wrote this for all those small town peeps. I know the struggles inherent in those communities, and part of the reason this ends like it does is because it takes more than one person to "fix" the problems.

Fish^12 26 Jun 2021 00:33

Good stuff.

---

bloop

OriTiefling 27 Jun 2021 00:57

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it :D

LuciferM 26 Dec 2021 07:13

Poor Jay

I love this

LemonadeDealer17 26 Dec 2021 15:54

Honestly, really enjoyed this read! The characters have so much charisma, especially Rebecca. You killed this, +1 from me.

Re: I love this

OriTiefling 02 Jan 2022 15:47

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked the characters!

Maxyfran73 29 Dec 2021 17:27

Oh fuck that was so good. The interviews and the characters in general were really charming and the slow build up was so worth it. I mean, that last interview was so good. God, just- Yeah, this is amazing.

Easy upvote~

OriTiefling 02 Jan 2022 15:48

Thank you! This was a character driven work from the inception, so the fact that so many people enjoyed the characters makes me really happy!

melodian 01 Jan 2022 07:18

Holy shit, that was a gut punch. +1

noxkiam 01 Jan 2022 20:56

i loved reading this! i found it on the front page yesterday but couldn't upvote because my app hadn't been accepted yet. i noticed how instead of it being an SCP with a story around it, it felt more like a story with an SCP involved. i'm assuming that's what you were going for, and you definitely succeeded in that. i'll certainly be reading your other works!

+1

---

currently reading the stranger, by albert camus.

OriTiefling 02 Jan 2022 15:51

I am an adamant believer that all SCP articles need the anomaly to be a main player, something the narrative needs to function. Here, the anomaly is a framing device and our context. The anomaly itself is the setting and scenery, the why for the narrative. The narrative couldn't exist without it as a factor, but the anomaly isn't the "point" of the article if that makes sense. I'm glad you noticed that!

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