"Love it or you're money back!"
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SCP - "Love it or you're money back!"
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» SCP - "Love it or you're money back!"
Summary:
The unfortunate consequences of trusting infomercials. 442 words.
Ignore this reply.
Author, per the greenlighting policy: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-10629348/new-draft-forum-policies first-time authors seeking draft critique in the forums must get their concept(s) greenlighted in the Ideas Critique forum and/or IRC chatrooms.
Please first go to the Ideas forum or the chat, give a quick summary (for the Ideas forum, please follow the instructions in the required reading thread) of the concept you want to write up (don't link the draft unless someone requests it).
During the conceptualization stage, reviewers can let you know if something similar already exists on the site, and/or tell you if there is anything that would prevent them from wanting to read a full draft. These issues are more effectively addressed earlier on in the writing process.
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Hi!
First off, I think this is a very original idea! The beginning starts off great, with a very clear, clinical style of writing, which I like. However, I feel like there's something lacking in the main body and conclusion of your article. The interview doesn't provide very much new information about the SCP, and there isn't really any resolution to the article. Because the draft is so short, we want every piece to hit the reader really hard. As of right now, the draft feels incomplete, but there are many directions you could go in! Do you have ideas about where you want to go with this concept? I think there's a ton of potential, but you may need to get creative with the narrative you provide.
Heya!
The conprocs read as a little bland. They are straightforward yes, but I feel you can push the concept a little further.
[…]they will experience the transformation of the skin of their back into dollar bills,[…]
This doesn't read as clinical tone. I suggest;
When a viewer purchases an advertised item, the subject will experience standard 1 USD paper bills growing from the back of their neck. The total amount of money grown will be equal to the amount of money spent on the item purchased by the subject.
Examples include: a pile of feces, a blade of grass, a damaged disk of the film Super Mario Bros., a grain of sand, and three shards of glass.
I feel this piece is LolFoundation material. What other typical commercially available items are there that could be used as examples instead? Could you elaborate on the specifics of how each item is subpar? (For example: You put, "a damaged disk of the film Super Mario Bros." this is the tone and example I suggest to list/lean into.)
Transcript of Interview XXXX-A-1
The formatting of this is awkward. This may be my personal opinion though.
[…]first and only individual on record to have been affected by SCP-XXXX.
Very interesting. I suggest you reflect this in your conprocs.
Anthony Schwartz: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you… are you telling me… (laughter) are you telling me you called that number on TV just so you could talk to that woman?
This is very unprofessional for a Foundation employee. Also the interview log on the whole didn't go anywhere narratively. What is the narrative that you are aiming for in the interview log?
In regards to conprocs, how would the Foundation have that example list if the only example is Read calling to talk to the lady? Is the lady one of the "call now to talk to hot singles in your area" type of advertisements?
Overall, I'm not feeling this piece. Currently, it is "weird thing what do weird thing". What story are you trying to tell with this?
Hope this helps!
P.S. If you respond to my crit PM me that you responded. I don't get a notification otherwise.
/forum/t-14116252/scp-love-it-or-you-re-money-back#post-
page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
