This is my first ever entry, took me a long time to edit and format it. Hope you at least enjoy it!
6001, 6783, 6555, 6003, 6984
SCP-6783 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-6783.
I like this concept. There are some minor spelling/grammar things I noticed (it’s instead of its, for example, and right near the start, a line that just ends with “and”) so I’d make sure to do a read-through for those. But the formatting seems like it’s working well, and I like that last little note at the end.
Props to you DrBluejay,
I was invested much of the way through, gawking at the story and narrative.
Unfortunately losing points when the writing felt iffy, a little too casual and not in a clinical tone - "unknown time traveller who appeared to have accidentally been transported approximately 1.8 billion years in the past to the Proterozoic Era, otherwise known as “The Boring Billion.” " and "Matching fingerprint remnants and handwriting confirm this is from Dr. Moore." Where if neatened up and kept consistent the entire way through, it would boost interest massively. :p
The interview with James Moore was, to say the least, all over the place, xD. The foundation wouldn't lie to Moore's brother and conjure this convoluted plan to pre-record footage. When they could've easily brought in another cryptologist or used amnestics afterwards. Furthermore, James Moore did not add anything interesting to the story apart from a familial bond.
And one last thing, the use of evolution bugged me. Of course, I have no right to talk about biological evolution as it's not my expertise. However, it's written as if evolution is a truly defined subject; but a researcher of the foundation instead of giving such abstract concept, define the 'evolution of the environment around her' as cellular growth or rapid natural selection, something like that. Obviously, evolution is a crucial part of the story and I do not mind if you don't change it. It just feels rammed in there you know.
Oh almost forgot the Thaumiel ending… Don't know about that one chief.
Oops sorry, the feedback was a bit more negative than I first thought, but please do not mistake it as a bad review. I was extremely impressed by the pure creativity of the piece, the ending with the monkes hit like a truck and I loved that…
That's defo a +1 by me
Yeah, honestly I was rethinking the whole Thaumiel thing too. I wasn't too sure, maybe I'll change it to Euclid. Thanks though, I'm quite happy for my first time!
Also, between you and me. I don't have any in-depth experience with evolution and the technicals either, I just thought it would be interesting. Thanks!
Also, yeah the evolution thing was thought up after the concept was made. I needed to fit nature into it, and honestly the concept was just kinda interesting.
Now if I just stuck with, "she's stuck in the boring billion" it wouldn't have been as interesting. Unlike the true terror of SCP-3001, I'm not that good of a writer.
But great advice!
Yeah, honestly I was rethinking the whole Thaumiel thing too. I wasn't too sure, maybe I'll change it to Euclid.
I feel neutralized would fit very nicely with the narrative.
Also, yeah the evolution thing was thought up after the concept was made. I needed to fit nature into it, and honestly the concept was just kinda interesting.
No no the evolution fit well with the narrative, just didn't fit the 'clinical tone' although if I was sent back in time I think all formalities are out the window. xD
Now if I just stuck with, "she's stuck in the boring billion" it wouldn't have been as interesting. Unlike the true terror of SCP-3001, I'm not that good of a writer.
mhm, I agreed the best parts of the story were the surprises you shot at me seemingly out of nowhere. Not even some of the best writers on the site can surpass 3001 so don't beat you're self up too much. You're a very promising writer!
Sorry accidentally posted twice
I would be less afraid of 1000 not being stopped or life not evolving to the possiblity of a total structural collapse of time, space, their current reality and possibly even neighboring timelines and realities when trying to justify why they have to send her back every time.
Also, like Benji, I think that interview is really unnecessarily convoluted. The Foundation can understand and translate many unknown and sometimes anomalous languages but can't decrypt an encoded message? And the way it's done also feels unnecessary considering amnestics exist too.
Regardless of a few nitpicks, I think it's pretty good! It gets a +1 from me at least
Great submission. It’s awesome. It’s the idea that no matter how valuable one person is, they are not worth sacrificing the history of the world. +1.
Gosh, I want to like this a lot. Conceptually, this has a lot of strength. A time based anomaly that goes awry and causes a global halt/slow down to all evolutionary processes, sounds great.
The execution in the journal entries and the little dialogue is what hurts this for me.
The journal entries took me out of the realm of the believable when she stops writing suddenly only to then rapidly scrawl out that she "has to run right now oh god they're coming eeeeek". That just doesn't feel like a real human thing. If this was an audio recording and she suddenly stopped speaking, and then whispered "might have been spotted…shit…" and then the recording stops, that makes sense. Someone might reasonably do that. But in the heat of the moment I don't think that a single person is going to try to hurriedly scribble down a message. Possibly they'll come back later and after escaping write out an explanation.
I agree with one of the above crits as well; The whole using her brother to decode her writings is just silly to me. Especially once we realize that this was a basic encoding system developed by a couple of kids that she's using as an adult now. Even if we assume that she took millions of years to develop it in to something more complex, the Foundation has a great many other powerful decryption tools available.
The brother's dialogue also felt a little unreal. It is slightly unnatural, and forced, for the character to say "Yes I can solve this puzzle, I am the worlds greatest puzzle solver!". Him just saying "I can certainly try." or something similar when presented with the encryption would feel much more human.
I'm rambling a lot here so I'll say that I leave a No-Vote and would like to see this same article tightened up and brought back in the future. It is certainly not the worst first entry I've ever seen.
Completely understandable. I will try to modify it a bit to make it better. I've especially been hearing similar things about the interview section. I will definitely try to edit it when I have time. Thanks for the advice!
So, I've heard a lot of problems regarding the interview, which I completely understand.
I opted for the simpler solution and replaced the whole thing with the Foundation simply trying to decrypt it themselves. Hopefully, it's better.
Also, I edited some of the journal entries near the end to make it feel natural I hope and got rid of that thing where she just stops mid-sentence.
I've wanted to see more of SCP 1000 for a long long time, and this does… well it does an adequate job with them. I think the scope is a bit too broad for one article, in all honesty. It has good ideas, it just has too many of them. The whole Planet of the Apes vibe with a modern person travelling to a time dominated by… well, you get the idea… any rate, it works really well on a conceptual level, and I would suggest focusing more on that end than anything else if you decide to expand this SCP with articles or further addenda.
if this is indeed your first entry — this is a great way to make an entrance. :-) +1
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
