SCP-6883 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-6883.

TheBoxOfFun 26 May 2021 14:13

"I have the true feeling of myself when I am unbearably unhappy."
-- Franz Kafka

• Authors: Veralta does not match any existing user name, Luke mcDonut and TheBoxOfFun
• Based on: The Metamorphosis, and "The Castle", by Franz Kafka

Well, this was a wild ride for the contest, we hope you all enjoyed this article. All of this would have been impossible without the help of my friends Luke McDonut and Veralta. We took a full month to write this (From 04/25 to 05/26); even with all the problems we had at school, at work, and with other activities, but we did it. A big thanks to everyone who decided to read our work and appreciated it, that means a lot for us.

A special thanks goes to Franz Kafka (1883 - 1924) the original author of "The Metamorphosis" and "The Castle", one of the main authors of the 20th Century, exponent of the Literary Modernism, and also the main inspiration for this entry.

Thanks to the following users with their helpful crits:

• DrBleep
• ILARS
• Sidewindered does not match any existing user name
• Trotskyeet
• Ralliston
• DodoDevil
• Ekronak
• AmserTheTree
• Dr Balthazaar
• ItsDenali

If we're not able to win the number 6000, we would like to get one of the following slots:

• 6883
• 6003
• 6083
• 6038
• 6833

Last edited on 26 May 2021 14:28 by TheBoxOfFun Show more

🐞📝

DodoDevil 26 May 2021 14:21

I really like this! It blends a certain dream-like quality with the grounded horror of bureaucracy. When I first saw it, I was worried it would be an attempt to "solve" the metamorphosis in Kafka's work, so I could not have been more pleasantly surprised with the direction it took. The characters are all really compelling and the writing is engaging. Great job!

+1🐞

Rounderhouse 29 May 2021 23:59

#5

Whoof. I can't say I'm a fan of this one! The Kafka references are, of course, blinding, but they're incredibly shallow. I'm a fan of Kafka's work, and while you cite him as an inspiration for this, it feels more like surface-level references to The Metamorphosis and Das Schloss thrown in for flavor. The article's story itself hardly touches on most of his themes - bureaucracy nightmare is far from the only hallmark that makes something Kafkaesque.

The story on its own merits is also not something I enjoyed. The pacing is really wild. This article should not have been this long; the story you tell fills up half, maybe two-thirds of your wordcount, and a lot of the rest is fluff. I still have no idea who Aviatica is, and I think we both know that a fledgling GoI does not have the name-power like Sarkicism or something where you can drop it into an article and everyone has the background context necessary to let your work stand on its own. It's just kind of a confused element tossed in there - big "pet GoI" vibes.

The dialogue in the text logs between Gregorius and Thirteen is actually quite good, well done on that front. It's very humanized, ironically, and does a nice job at letting us figure out what they feel, are motivated by, etc. The cost of this is that a lot of this ends up not being super-relevant, which means it could be considered fluff. The dialogue in the other logs is… very melodramatic. The purpose of the Aviativa/Harold log completely escaped me, it felt utterly irrelevant to the rest of the article. It legitimately did feel like an log lifted from an entirely different article and slapped in - completely tonally and narratively dissonant.

The text dialogue in this one is fun and good, but there's so much else it has going against it, I didn't really feel like I had read something enjoyable at the end of it all.

Sinagsikap 30 May 2021 00:26

I have taken into consideration your critique, although I guess that the style just didn't work for you. I will address some of your concerns.

Here we go

1. Aviatica is a journalistic organization, and to keep the tone, I didn't really want to info-dump about its organizational structure and workings, since I used a breadcrumbs-style of writing (which I admit has problems on its own). However, I think I left enough clues and references about it that a reader can infer that it is a group of journalists with dealings with the anomalous. Meanwhile, it gives context again to the Administrator, and I don't agree with it being a confused element as it forms an important part or crux of the personalities involved. After all, it highlights the shift to a bureaucratic nightmare by having the character be a freewheeling journalist first.

2. As for the Kafkaesque themes, I don't think that I only tackled bureaucratic nightmares. To start, it's about the ambiguity and switching of roles (as a journalist, an Administrator, and an infiltrator), which goes with the perspective of Frederick R. Karl, a prominent Kafka biographer, loneliness and struggling in a toxic environment, obsession with people, a drastic switch in living environments, memories, and a life falling to pieces due to burning bridges, among other themes or Kafka-related topics. So, I don't think the SCP hardly touches on Kafkaesque themes.

3. I do guess that the ending may have been too tonally different, but it is still the culmination of what the three men are fighting for. I am taking this into consideration.

4. The dialogue fluff is something that I have been worried about, and consulted with other critics to see if they fit. Judging from their reactions, I guess that they simply did not fit your taste. I also don't think they're fluff, since they offer context clues as to what Gregor and co. plan to do and thus move the plot of the story. Considering that most tale-like SCPs also don't always serve super-relevant dialogue for the sake of characterization, well…

In any case, it's saddening that you weren't satisfied by the SCP, but I promise to make future SCPs more direct to the point and relevant. Thanks in any case for the critique!

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The pen is the killer of fear.

Last edited on 30 May 2021 00:38 by Sinagsikap Show more

Liryn 30 May 2021 00:55

Just leaving my two cents here.

I think I left enough clues and references about it that a reader can infer that it is a group of journalists with dealings with the anomalous

I'm going to be frank. I have literally never heard of this GoI, and most readers won't have either. Therefore, the inclusion of it feels more introductory than referential. This article, in my opinion, does not do a good job at being an introduction to Aviatica, because it assumes we already know what it is, and does not describe it adequately, meaning that it fails to accomplish either of those things. Much of this article, as Rounder put it, feels dissonant, disconnected, and too long for its own good.

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And I live by that.

Sinagsikap 30 May 2021 05:54

Fixed :)

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The pen is the killer of fear.

Roundabouts 03 Jun 2021 14:34

Great reference to Kafka! I found this SCP very underrated, but after all it's pretty great, although I don't have a single idea what Aviatica is. +1

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— Roundabout.

Last edited on 06 Jan 2022 10:19 by Roundabouts Show more

SimplePig 20 Jun 2021 16:27

There are articles that have awful writing but contain a great story, and there are articles that have fantastic writing but a dreadful story. I’m afraid that this is the latter. There were so many moments where I was so confused on what was going on that I had to reread the entire article, yet was still left utterly confused.

Let’s take the Administrator as one example. He turns into a cockroach, but then he’s a person, then he’s a cockroach, then he’s talking to a Goddess, then he’s flying through the sky avoiding magic cockroaches “using rolls and dives”, then he pulls out a random Gatling gun, then….

There is a great basis for a story here, what with the world slowly being turned into cockroaches, whether the Foundation would successfully contain it and how the public would react; but the massive conversations involving characters that are barely introduced and the lack of explanation for random occurrences to the story just ruin it.

Also I need to mention the “ah”s. You’ve got them in nearly every line of conversation. I’ve never met anybody who speaks like this.

Last edited on 21 Jun 2021 03:46 by SimplePig Show more

Aesthetics are a moral imperative

Maxyfran73 21 Jun 2021 07:31

Now this is a difficult piece. On one side, I really like it, the dialogue between characters is really good, and it has this realistic portrayal that I really appreciate. There's some moments here and there that felt awkward, but overall, it's nice. Also, the anomaly itself, as a concept, is engaging. It has this strong oneiric feel to it, and the quandary of 'functionality over form', as someone studying design, is always nice to both see and contemplate.

On the other side, however, the execution feels… odd. While the concept is, again, really nice, this same dream-like way the article is written in loses you at times. I feel as though this piece requires a lot of previous knowledge, perhaps either about the characters or their motivations, as because it deals with implanted memories and reality shifts, it just… it all feels extremely disjointed, to the point of being confusing. Lastly, the last action part just didn't sell me on it. Felt very… Forced, I suppose, as an ending? Something about it didn't feel right.

There's good ideas here, and maybe this is a good stylistic choice, but it's not one I can feel invested into. I'll have to novote on this one.

Tanija 02 Jul 2021 06:14

Good job, friends! I really enjoy this one and congratulations to you!

NoName2087 07 Jul 2021 18:48

There are images - a sheaf of papers, seven moons on the night sky, a telephone on a table, a manor, and several doves flying in the air.

Are these supposed to be references to 001 proposals?

Thopter 12 Jul 2021 20:55

This is much too "literally Kafka's The Metamorphosis in SCP form" for my taste. It's highly implausible that no one in the Foundation would say, "huh, this is extremely similar to that book I read in high school, let's note that and see if the book was actually inspired by the scip, or powers the scip pataphysically, or something."

Nitpick: in a failed peace treaty involving several anomalous entities such as the life-givers of the forest. I think the bolded part should be blue, not green.

Last edited on 12 Jul 2021 21:02 by Thopter Show more

TL333s 12 Aug 2021 23:28

This, plus I hate dream skips. :/

LuciferM 06 Jan 2022 08:57

I can't fully and competently critique this because I don't know Kafka too well or things like Aviatica. However, I can say that a lot of dialogue could use some cleaning and a lot of single and double quotes are misplaced or forgotten.

I'm also just not a big fan of the story, personally. -1 for now and, nothing against you, the best you're gonna get from me is probably a no vote. Let me know if this ever gets cleaned up for clarity