Simple and funny, +1
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-294-J.
It's short and to the point, which helps bring out the punch of the joke, but for me the humor just doesn't land. I couldn't even tell what the punchline was initially because it's worded so wonky and clunkily.
I also believe this snippet after the log:
Following an investigation of the cup, and gastric examination of Dr. Fold, no traces of SCP-294-J were discovered. The coffee machine however has been placed in containment and a health and safety report has been issued to the machine’s supplier.
Could've been moved to just before the log begins, which would've made the punch hit harder while still retaining the point you're trying to make.
Thanks for the feedback. Any particular suggestions for the wording?
I think in general, the log is hard to follow. In the beginning, we the reader must assume that the two Personnel are walking, who then enter the staffroom just to once again assume that the Personnel had left the cup there for the other to happen to drink it (although, we have to also assume that he's drinking the anomaly as well). I think my changes would be to try and tighten up some of the looseness and vagueness. For example:
Researcher Agnew pauses in front of the staffroom coffee table where he had left SCP-294-J. Dr. Fold sits at the table, sipping a cup of coffee. Researcher Agnew lets out a quiet whimper. Dr. Fold looks down at an identical cup of coffee on the table.
How about just:
Dr. Fold sits at the table, sipping coffee from SCP-294-J.
Slightly shorter, but still gets the point across
That feels a bit too obvious. Maybe "Dr. Fold sits at the table, sipping the cup of coffee," or an identifier that doesn't quite give it all up in one sentence, but still gives the reader enough to understand the joke
Just drink the pain away Doctor, just drink away. +1
(account deleted)Excuse me, should be it reverted the page to revision number 7?
To smile, to dream, to be different.
The best part of waking up is a rapidly-evolving civilization in your cup.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
