My first SCP

Summary:

First time creating a SCP

My first creation

Hollow Dunk 04 Apr 2021 01:22

This is my first time creating an SCP and I'll accept any critisim and any tips to fix my creation (Green lights are very usefull too)

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: SCP Article

Elevator Pitch: SCP-XXXX is an anomaly that takes the appearance of a rotting skeleton that measures approximately 1.78 Meters in height. It would appear to be wearing a greyish purple coloured aztec outfit with a black patterning around it, the outfit is all ripped apart with some rusted metal around the outfit and it's helmet is missing all of it's feather where there were it supposed to be. On close inspection the anomaly's skeletal structure similar to that of a homosapien.

Central Narrative:

+ The whole deal with My SCP

(Oh God, let's just get this over already)

So my anomaly is basicly the aztec god of death "Mictlantecuhtli", A being who was freed from it's original statue like form for the soul purpose to kill any of the "visitors" that took his village and people away.

Ever since it killed the visitors when it first found them on another village that they were slaving and killing, the anomaly decided to kill anyone that is or reminds him of those visitors.

But because of this killings, the mexican government reported to the foundation on 14/09/2018 about lifeless bodies of people that were found close to the Tajin ruins, so the foundation decided to send two parts of a MTF to capture the anomaly. But after the first part of the MTF arrived at the location of my anomaly, they realized that it was gonna be harder that they thought, they attacked the anomaly but the anomaly regenerated from the attacks and send a indigo fire ball that killed two of it's members and then grabbed the head of another member and ripped it's soul out and ate it.

The leader of the first part of the MTF contacted the second part's leader to get more back up to fight the anomaly, when the team arrived with more back up and weapons, the anomaly went serious and roared loudly enough to crack the floor, in the cracked floor 5-8 undead being who were all sapien, the anomaly send it's army and himself to fight the team and it's back up.

The battle lasted for almost an hour and were able to heavily damage and knock out the anomaly with a anti-tank weapon, because of that the anomaly was successfuly captured.

When bringed to a interview with one of the head leaders of the site were it's containment cell was on asked it about it's origins and powers.

It told him everything, from who he was and where it came from and why is he killing people, and even in another interview with the MTF's leaders, it was asked about the abilities that it used, it said that all of it's abilities with further details, like his indigo fire that he calls "the fire of the death", his soul absorbtion powers and even more abilities that it didn't tell, like the ability to spread a fear gas from it's mouth when ever it desires.

With that in mind, the containment cell has a special electroshocker that will make my anomaly not able to move and/or escape it's containment and have even created a special protocoal to entertain him and make him not wanting to leave.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: Well, he's the Aztec God of Death who want's nothing more but to kill spanish people and the people who contained and capture him in the first place.

Additional Notes:
This SCP's item number is still not confirmed because I still havent decided if I use it as a place holder or not.
(I hope that my concept idea works cause I already did this like 5 time and I don't wanna do it a 6th time, but If I have to, then I have to)

Last edited on 28 Apr 2021 16:49 by Hollow Dunk Show more

Re: My first creation

quickestsilver 15 Apr 2021 21:40

Hey, summoned from IRC:

+ show block

The idea of a death god getting revenge for colonialism in Central America is pretty cool to me, but is there a connection between Mictlantecuhtli and gold? I don't really know anything about him, but it seems like he just happens to be a scary deity from the right time and place?

What powers does he actually have and how hard is it for the foundation to deal with? What is the dark magic? If an SCP introduces itself as a god and has proven it can kill people, it feels like the foundation would take that more seriously to begin with. Why is it Keter? Can a cell not hold it?

I like the core premise, but it feels like it's missing a sense of what story it's trying to tell. Is it ghostly retribution for the exploitation of the Aztecs? Is it the Foundation underestimating a god because it's not from a European religious tradition? Is it just a spooky murder monster?

Re: My first creation

Hollow Dunk 15 Apr 2021 21:43

thanks for the criticts I'm going to overhaul my anomaly one last time so that it makes sense

Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Zyn 06 Apr 2021 04:37

Since this thread was on page 6 of the forum listing with no feedback yet, this is a quick reminder from staff for the author. Please remember to contact reviewers directly to request feedback as needed, if you haven't done so already.

This thread has information on reaching out to reviewers: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-13282692/how-to-get-more-reviews

If you have already contacted multiple reviewers and received no reply, feel free to ask a staff member for assistance finding a reviewer.

Re: My first SCP

fairydoctor 10 Apr 2021 22:47

Hewwo! I was summoned via IRC! Below is my crit:

Here we go!

You see, my anomaly was first found by the foundation on Valentine's day of 1998 on Mexico. When they first contained the anomaly, the anomaly was first classified as Euclid class because at first they didn't know what it was capable of, because of that, the foundation decided to put some tests at the anomaly to see what it is capable of.

This describes the basic discovery. Although yes, this would be a Discover: log, this doesn't tell me much about the narrative (other than its discovery)!

The first test was to see how it can kill a living creature, but instead of something like ripping apart the victim, the anomaly grabbed the victim by the neck and drained it's life force.

The second showed it able to create weapons made of blue fire, and the third test showed that it is a very skilled fighter.

And the fourth test was to see how smart the anomaly is, but something happened after test 4 was finished, the anomaly attacked the MTF that were tasked to secure the anomaly with a fire attack and escaped the test chamber. After the havoc that it's containment breach caused, that left the anomaly with cracks on it's left eye socket, right arm and left side of it's chest and caused the foundation to change it's classification from Euclid class to Keter class.

The tests don't make sense. There should be more in depth tests involved. At the moment, this portion doesn't tell me much about the narrative or the tests that they actually performed.

Why does it have these powers? How does it summon weapons and create fire? Can it talk? What level of sentience (aware of its environment) or sapience (self-aware ala thinking humans) does it have? What is the drive and focus of the anomaly? How does it drain life force, why does it drain life force?

The note book contained not only information about another ability that the anomaly has, but also questioned a possible weakness that this creature may have.

What I have in bold is the part of most interest in the piece. What is its weakness? I feel that this should be the focal point of the narrative.

I hope this crit helps!

Re: My first SCP

Cyvstvi 15 Apr 2021 21:37

+ Critique

Critique

The anomaly explains to one of the researchers of the foundation who it was, what abilities does it have and why it did it

Why? Why does it just openly admit everything to the Foundation?

When the anomaly was first captured by the foundation, they classified the anomaly as a Euclid class at first because they knew that it was the one responsable for thoes kills

How and why?

Additionally, classification really isn't important. It's a footnote within your article, not the focus.

The anomaly claims to be Mictlantecuhtli, it claims to have the dark magic,and the reason why it killed those people was because ever since the "visitors" that killed it's people and took all of it's gold it was talking about, it's going to do anything to take anyone's shiny material, even killing them in order to get they shiny metal.

Taking a real historical tragedy and transforming it into an article isn't anything new; it's been done a thousand times before. But reducing this tragedy into an anomaly that "wants shiny things" like a magpie seems naïve at best, and ignorant at worst.

it breached containment because it notice something shiny when it was carried to be interview with a resercher,

They casually carried a corpse about the site? Didn't you already state that the Foundation knew that its anomalous effects were triggered by "shiny materials"? Making the Foundation appear to be incompetent is never a good look.

After they noticed that the anomaly can use dark magic, they decided to change it's classification from Euclid to Keter for the potential destructive capabilities that the anomaly do.

Again, Object Class doesn't really matter. Additionally, what do you mean by "dark magic"? Destructive thaumaturgy? Tenobrous alchemy? Carnomancy?

---

Overall thoughts

I'm not convinced by this at all. In its current state, it is simply a corpse that magically kills things because of "shiny things". Basing this on a real life tragedy is interesting and connecting it to Mictlāntēcutli is brilliant, but as I discussed earlier, it is done without tact and quite senselessly - in my opinion.

Currently, your narrative post tells me very little about the story; you've given me the events but none of the actual depth. I think you should focus upon the 3Cs (character, conflict, and conclusion) to create a convincing story and the 3Ss (short, simple, and straightforward) to create an interesting anomaly with decent depth.

Last edited on 15 Apr 2021 21:38 by Cyvstvi Show more

Re: My first SCP

Hollow Dunk 15 Apr 2021 21:41

first of all, I'm sorry if I sounded like an Ignorant in my thread
I'm sorry for trying to make a tragic historic event into the creature wants shiny things.
I'll overhaul it one more time, thanks for the critics, it hurted, but i can take it.

Re: My first SCP

DodoDevil 17 Apr 2021 16:21

Hey Hollow, I posted the following in the IRC chatroom right after you left:

Open

<The_DodoDevil> So, my main thing here is that the actual relation to the Aztec people seems to be just a set-up for a genocidal skeleton, rather than actually playing into the article. My knowledge of mesoamerican culture is quite limited (I'm not even sure if that's the proper term), so I can't advise you on how to incorporate Aztec theology/cultural/etc. into
13:14 <The_DodoDevil> the piece, but I think it needs to have some clearer ties to the culture it's apparently a god of. Otherwise, you're falling into some worrisome tropes regarding the homogenization of Indigenous populations from a Western perspective, IMO. What, in your opinion, does its connection to the Aztec people and their persecution from the Spanish mean for
13:14 <The_DodoDevil> the article? If it's just a reason for it to start murdering, I think it needs to be developed more to be narratively compelling.

Limeyy's SCP-4536, for example, does a good job recontextualizing an Aztec deity in a contemporary setting by adapting certain cultural norms/practices. In that way, the connection feels alive and relevant, rather than just a background for some sort of creature.

Re: My first SCP

Hollow Dunk 18 Apr 2021 14:01

Thanks for The Nice critizism
But how can i make My narative compelling?
How can I tie parts of My narative to make sense?