All-Seeing Eye Dog
Link to the sandbox post
3,963 words
Proof of greenlights: Link
Concerns:
- Phrasing
- Technical talk
- Story points
he/they, aspiring SCP writer, may or may not be immortal
All-Seeing Eye Dog
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» All-Seeing Eye Dog
Summary:
Finally made it to draft phase, dog that knows everything
Any mistakes I perceived will be numbered. Any comments I have will be under this mark: #)
#) SCP-XXXX is a domestic dog (Canis lupus familiaris) of the Golden Retriever breed capable of vocal communications.
AWWWW!!! <3
#) The dog introduced itself as Winston Lane, at which point they fled the area.
HAHAHAHAHA!
#) D-29141 stumbles back in the direction of the door.
I like this line XD
#) SCP-XXXX: To be perfectly frank, I don't. I thought we were just going to have a nice conversation.
Kinda breaks my heart over here.
#) D-29141: "Uh, what is O5-3's real name? SCP-XXXX: [DATA EXPUNGED]2"
I find this exchange to be cool.
#) SCP-XXXX: Oui. Et ce n'est pas le seul français. Je parle espagnol, russe, chinois, italien, japonais, hébreu, coréen, arabe et toutes les autres langues auxquelles vous pouvez penser.4
Cool.
#) I was born on April 14, 1999
I guess this tale took place around 2004.
#) What? Fuck no! That thing was such a cute dog, and then it started asking where more people were, telling me I look sad, wanting to watch the news. Total nuisance
:'(
Now, I've got a lot of stuff to write in this section. The fact that the article does not have (or probably I just missed it because I was distracted with the narrative of the document) any mistakes that I could see of. However, other reviewers might spot this.
Secondly, it's about a dog, who's super smart. What else could I ask for?! And the fact that it seemed to be capable of doing something mischevious due to its knowledge also made it a dangerous anomaly to mess with.
It could just be me but this document stirred something with me. I connected well with the story, the anomaly, and even Samuel Lane's desperation before he tried to do the ritual. Too bad for him, Winston's a good dog.
A lonely man wanted to find a friend out of a dog. The only issue I got here was the fact that the Golden Retriever was "sold" in what appeared to be a kennel that seemed to be selling special dogs, but in actuality, is not. And the fact that a "rich guy" bought the Retriever as a form of social status baffles me. Maybe because the culture of my country was different from the author's, I don't know. Due to that paragraph, I thought Winston already got the ability to speak at that time, until the later sentences said otherwise.
I could just simply ignore it, dismiss it as the dog's sentiment as to how he "came to be". After all, if dogs could talk, even if they were super smart, they probably perceive things differently than us.
I could relate with Samuel Lane's loneliness, and his desperation to have someone with. But I do not get why he wanted the dog out?! I mean, this was a missed opportunity to have a super smart assistant. Now the poor thing probably thinks nobody wants him.
I couldn't tell if the article needs more adjustment. Story-wise, I like it. I mean if I see this on the mainsite as it is, I would upvote it. However, I don't speak for the other readers though. I don't want to judge an article if they were ready or not, in fear that I might complicate things. In my opinion (MY opinion), I guess it is. I am not sure what the other critiques think though.
Best of luck with your draft!
Wow, I didn't expect feedback this positive on my first draft! It is a welcome surprise. I think I might sort of change the whole story part with the breeder since I agree with the confusion about that. That's really the only way to have a purebred Golden Retriever. I'll probably keep the breeder, but I will phrase it in a less confusing way.
he/they, aspiring SCP writer, may or may not be immortal
Yes.
If you have finally posted the skip, please notify me. (I mean really like it, I would hate it if I missed upvoting it!)
Hi there deernosaur, let's take a look at you draft.
Overall:
I'll start off by saying that I really, really like what you've got going here. The story of a dog who is simply the victim of a lonely man wanting a someone to talk to and then being dissatisfied when it didn't turn out like he wanted is really emotionally charged and well written.
Beyond that, I think the dialogue is really well written and believable in terms of reactions and interactions.
One major problem that I noticed early on was breaks in clinical tone. Much of the wording feels very out of place in an official document. There's also quite of bit of extraneous information that can be cut. I'll try to offer how to improve these areas in a bit.
In terms of narrative, while it's not the most traditional conclusion or one that ties in all of the themes, I do like the way the article is structured and how the ending plays out.
Specific:
SCP-XXXX is to be kept in a mid-sized sentient-entity containment cell at Site-66.
This feels quite vague as the Foundation deals with all different sizes of entities. I'd change it to describe the dimensions of the room (in metric) and detail the furnishings.
In the event of an SCP-XXXX interview, a Class D personnel is to be sent into SCP-XXXX’s cell with a printed script of questions, a microphone to record the conversation, and a pen with paper to write down responses.
This feels a bit out of place in the Conprocs. Also, not only is it kind of implied since it's an interview, but we get this same information latter on in a way that doesn't feel like over exposition. I think you can cut this bit.
SCP-XXXX possesses an intelligence highly above genius-level. SCP-XXXX appears to vocally communicate in the same manner as humans. SCP-XXXX has a personality similar to that of a typical Golden Retriever.
Instead of just saying "genius level' I'd recommend giving an actual IQ that's considered genius.
SCP-XXXX has a personality similar displays similar behaviors to that of a typical Golden Retriever.
To some degree, it also knows some about the future.
It is currently unknown whether this is an anomalous effect or due to SCP-XXXX’s own nature.
These points aren't mentioned or expanded anywhere else in the article, and they don't really add anything, so I'd recommend cutting them.
SCP-XXXX was discovered in the house of Samuel Lane in Seattle, Washington…
This next paragraph should probably go is a separate section labeled Recovery. This would be formatted the same as the description.
Upon being brought into Foundation custody, multiple things were noted about SCP-XXXX. The first was its unusually high intelligence, even by human standards.
This is pretty redundant, since we got this information just a few seconds earlier. I don't think we need to know that these things were noticed since we already read the description.
Another was the strange smell that seemed to come from SCP-XXXX, which was described as almond and heather. The last thing was its desire to return to Samuel Lane, who was later found in a rural town in Nevada. At this point, the Foundation began interviews with SCP-XXXX to test its knowledge and origins.
I recommend changing this slightly and putting it under the description, as I believe it fits better in that section.
Samuel Lane, who was later found located in a rural town in Nevada
I think we’re getting somewhere, huh? How did you get so smart?
This doesn't really keep in line with a secret agency's questioning. Something like "How did you become so intelligent?" or "What is the source of your intelligence?" would work better here.
D-29141: So, you wanted me back here?
Dr. Gonsalves: Yes, we figured you didn’t have much to do.
I mean, he would know- since he's the one who's presumably scheduling the tests and knows 29141's schedule. I think this makes sense as more of a sarcastic comment, so I'd add a [sarcastically] descriptor before the doctor's dialogue. (It'd be pretty funny that way, at least to me.)
SCP-XXXX: I do. Ask me the question that upset me the first time we met, and I’ll answer truthfully.
Dr. Gonsalves: That will be all, D-29141. Please exit the cell.
The interviews only been going on for 3 minutes and he's about to tell him what they want to know. I get that it would be a massive text box, but it just doesn't make sense as to why they'd wait two more days to get this information. For all they know, something could change in that time.
End of interview: July 22, 2004, 12:41 PM
SCP-XXXX continues to show levels of knowledge that are frightening
Knowledge and frightening doesn't really keep in line with clinical tone. Replacing them with something like "continues to display dangerous levels of intelligence" would be better.
Advice:
One issue that I have with this article is that the initial problem of Winston not trusting Evan is resolved with basically nothing to show for it. There's nothing in the few minutes of interviews over the course of a few days that shows them becoming closer or something resembling trust. It just ends up feeling like Winston just up and says "Yep, I trust you now" because it was time for the backstory. Yes, he's a dog, and I'm not one to say that the same level of interaction needs to be performed in order for them to trust someone. To remedy this, perhaps instead of not trusting Evan, Winston simply isn't ready to relive the painful memories of Samuel. He refuses to speak on the matter, as he simply doesn't want to revisit it, but after talking with even for a few days, he decides that he feels comfortable opening up to someone else. This helps clear up the jarring character shift and the following story will explain why he was reluctant to revisit it.
Feel free to contact me through PM if you have any questions or want me to do a follow up, as I might not see it otherwise. Good luck with your draft!
Thanks for the crit! I agree with a lot of what you said since I'm not really the best with technical talk. I'm going to implement these changes when I can, since my schedule is a little busy. Nevertheless, super helpful advice that I am 100% going to take.
he/they, aspiring SCP writer, may or may not be immortal
Description
I don't always talk about sections as a whole but I want to here because there's structural stuff easiest to talk about as a whole. The paragraph construction of the Description is not good: specifically, you generally want paragraphs to flow together and feel like one idea building into a second related idea etc. etc.; whereas here you often have weird sentences thrown in:
SCP-XXXX is a domestic dog (Canis lupus familiaris) of the Golden Retriever breed capable of vocal communications. SCP-XXXX has an IQ of 230. SCP-XXXX appears to vocally communicate in the same manner as humans.
Like, here you have a sentence on vocal communication, a random factoid about the SCP and then another sentence about the vocal communication; and it makes the middle sentence feel awkwardly out of place.
The second paragraph is fine, albeit a little repetitive.
The third suffers from a related but different issue:
SCP-XXXX has been noted to have a smell that has been described as almond and heather. This smell originates from SCP-XXXX itself. SCP-XXXX shows a strong desire to return to its previous owner, Samuel Lane.
You have two sentences that are talking about the smell of the SCP immediately followed by a change in topic to talk about the SCP wanting to return to it's owner; and it feels like this needs a paragraph break in it.
Overall
I guess I don't really get what I'm supposed to take away from this. Like, theoretically there's a sad emotional moment where Sam effectively betrays everything the dog thinks about him towards the end but it doesn't really land right because it just makes Sam look like a an asshole but in a slightly comedic way that like, doesn't make me sad because it's just, too mean to be believable; but it's also not quite funny enough to make it feel like the build up was worthwhile. Also there's not really closure here; the SCP never actually meets Sam again to realise this, so it feels… like there's not really an emotional moment where Winston is all "Sam, I miss you" and Sam is all "Fuck you" and Winston can like… react. Ending on Winston presumably attempting to break out to see Sam feels like a slight tease towards more interesting stuff happening here.
The like, emotional connection between 29141 and Winston is theoretically interesting but it feels like the interviews are too matter of fact to really like, convey this? Like interview 1 and 2 had a bit of off book stuff that kinda made the start of the relationship feel right but then the third and fourth are just extremely by the book interviews that feel very matter of fact; and so Winston's decision to trust Evans here feels… unearned? This isn't necessarily a huge flaw per se, but the way it's resolved feels… very passing, like you devote a single sentence to like, wrapping up that angle and it's just not enough to have much impact to me.
I am going to disclaim everything I've just said here: it's very possible this just did not vibe with me. Like, I have been pretty negative on this as a whole but it's very possible this is just a me issue since it seems everyone else was real into this? It might be worth hitting up e.g. #thecritters and getting a few like, quick 'would you upvote?' opinions.
Gonna note that I can miss stuff; flag things which are right as being wrong and indeed flag things which are deliberately wrong.
I'll likely use strikethrough to indicate stuff to remove and green text to indicate stuff to add.
Image
This is broken because you've uh, copied flicker's html code to include the image in a page; if you're wanting to make it work, you want "name=" to just link to the raw image and nothing else in that tag.
You may need to add a raw text block (the 'R' button or a space surrounded by "@@") between the ACS header and the image block too just to force them to not overlap.
SCP-XXXX is to be kept in a 6x6x6 containment cell furnished with a bed
6x6x6 what? metres? centimetres? kilometres? Honestly imo you don't need the size at all here.
These guards are permitted to use non-lethal force in the event of an escape attempt. However, guards are encouraged to tranquilize SCP-XXXX in order to minimize damage.
This 'However' feels weird; like, if you'd authorised lethal force, then it'd make sense to be like "however, we'd rather you didn't". I feel like the whole second sentence is just, kinda unnecessary?
SCP-XXXX is a domestic dog (Canis lupus familiaris) of the Golden Retriever breed which is capable of vocal communications.
I'd, probably specify 'in English' here, or e.g. 'in several languages'
SCP-XXXX has an IQ of 230.
I would suggest having a read over this thread about IQ: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-970926/scps-and-iq-bonus-discussion-on-personality-tests-as-well and deciding whether you want to include this afterwards; I guess my broader point is 'this feels unnecessarily like you're just telling us the dog is super smart instead of showing us it'
SCP-XXXX appears to vocally communicate in the same manner as humans.
This feels implied by 'capable of vocal communication'
When asked a question, SCP-XXXX will respond with the answer it believes to be correct, which tends to be the objective truth.
This feels a little weird cos there's a lot of questions that don't have answers that are 'objectively true' and even the concept of 'objective truth' is a little shaky.
SCP-XXXX has been noted to have a smell that has been described as a combination of almond and heather.
This smell originates from SCP-XXXX itself.
Is this not implied by the SCP having a smell?
SCP-XXXX was discovered in the house of Samuel Lane in Seattle, Washington, after reports of repeated shouting came from neighbors on July 8, 2004.
'after neighbors reported repeated shouting to the local police on July 8, 2004.' would work better; the issue is 'repeated shouting came from neighbors' kinda makes it seem like the neighbors were shouting, not reporting the shouting, and that there's no indication of who the reports were made to.
The dog introduced itself as Winston Lane, at which point they fled the area.
… it feels weirdly unprofessional for cops to just, run away when a dog talks at them like, I get the cops freaking out and stuff but talking isn't particularly threatening and cops are generally trained (particularly in the US) to shoot first and ask questions later if they do feel unsafe.
Samuel Lane was later located in a rural town in Nevada.
This feels a little odd as a final sentence; like, the lack of temporal context or context as to why Samuel Lane went there, it's just, odd? Particularly since it's kinda implied that he left without taking anything, which leads the reader to be like 'how'd he even get to Nevada??' (but in a bad 'this feels like a plot hole' way, not a good 'I want to read more to find out!' way)
First Interview
I'd probably lean towards including a short foreword introducing this instead of immediately jumping in; and also including an explicit listing of who's in the room.
I guess I'm also a little unsure why there's a D-Class actually asking the questions when there's also a researcher in there who could, presumably, just ask them directly? Like, idk if the researcher is doing this via speakers and stuff and is remote but surely they could y'know, just use that to talk to the dog?
Both Dr. Gonsalves and D-29141 were quickly administered Class-A amnestics.
I guess my question is why they'd have a researcher who wasn't cleared to know the answer ask the question?
SCP-XXXX: I don’t think you should write this one down.
This response desperately needs paragraph breaks.
There was also a lot of almonds and heather, which is why I smell this way.
This feels like a weird like 'am I not clever to eventually explain this weird detail in the description' thing but it doesn't really land because the answer uh is not actually very interesting and I'd probably cut both the smell mentions?
When I asked him what was wrong, he said I was too smart, that I was smarter than him.
The dog kinda glossing over what he said that made Sam think the dog was so smart feels weird; but the level of upset Sam feels cos the dog is smart here also feels really silly?
Many members of staff have suggested that “Nobody” could be the one who gave Lane the book. However, this has been written off as a theory.
This feels really odd like… on the one hand, what does Nobody even get out of this? What does this add narratively? On the other, of course it's a theory, why does that mean it's written off? Theories exist as a way to figure out what tests to do to confirm/disprove them so like, it just being a theory doesn't y'know, mean anything?
since its technical knowhow means that its successful escape could result in a large-scale containment breach of Site-66.
This feels weird like… it's technical knowhow means it could cause a large-scale containment breach if it wanted to but there's no indication it does want that, and generally if you're escaping, you probably don't really want to add the additional danger of a bunch more SCPs doing anomalous stuff near you and drawing more attention to you?
Thanks! Finally got enough free time to work on this more. I took your advice, but I CANNOT FIGURE OUT IMAGE BLOCKS OH MY GOD.
It was really good crit, but I still cannot seem to grasp the pictures thing. If anyone sees this, this is absolutely what I think I need the most help with. I figured it out with help from a friend. Being a dumbass solved.
he/they, aspiring SCP writer, may or may not be immortal
/forum/t-14011242/all-seeing-eye-dog#post-
page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
