Concept: Infinite pocket coat

Summary:

and also a whole new personality along with it (i do have a sandbox of it already)

Concept: Infinite pocket coat

Sandskun 15 Feb 2021 15:07

Seeking Greenlights: Yes

Page Type: Tale

Elevator Pitch: A coat with the soul of a dying thaumaturge and the coat's friend, the only survivor of an anomaly hunting organization after a battle against a natural anomaly. The coat can communicate with and control the wearer, while also allowing for the wearer's belongings to be cloned, having any changes to the clone be applied to the original as well (and vice versa). The thaumaturge has an anomalous tattoo allowing him to quickly but briefly turn any small object into an anomalous item.

Central Narrative: The thaumaturge loses the coat infused with his friend's soul, a gift given to him by his late friend during his last breath as a way to keep in contact even in death.

The thaumaturge then goes on a desperate search for his lost coat, only to find out it's been taken by The SCP foundation. The thaumaturge, determined to take back his friend, follows a trail left behind by the coat, taking him to where it's being stored. With the knowledge of its whereabouts, the thaumaturge creates a plan and some anomalous objects to ensure his rescue mission succeeds. To enter and traverse through the site he uses a revolver with bullets which creates self-closing passages, but due to this he goes through several dangerous SCP along the way, breaching some accidentally. Another item he made forced harm directed his way to be diverted slightly, preventing fatal wounds and allowing him to keep on going despite being chased by several danger sources.

He then manages to reach the coat and put it on, but an SCP shows up and manages to severely wound him and the guards chasing him, reminding him of his past and becoming paralyzed with fear. The coat then takes over and helps deal with the situation, getting the thaumaturge back on his feet and helping out re-contain the breached SCP, having the guards they saved let them escape without interfering.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: A group of thaumaturgic anomaly hunters who attempted to challenge nature itself, and its last surviving member attempting a heist on the foundation to retrieve his friend.

Additional Notes: i'm not an experienced writer, this may be considered my first writing project.

Last edited on 08 Mar 2021 17:31 by Sandskun Show more

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

Zoobeeny 16 Feb 2021 02:35

Summoned via IRC.

Alright, while this now has an actual narrative, it's still a bit weak. What's going to make me want to read more of this story? Why should I care about what happens with this coat?

All of this is to ask the question: what's the emotional response you want from the readers? When we discussed in IRC, you said it was supposed to be slightly humorous. From this post alone, I can't say that it's particularly funny, but there are grounds here for a character-driven story. Make this thaumaturgist the main focus, and build from there.

This is by no means the only way to go, of course, but just one possibility.

Now for some plot questions:

1. If the thaumaturgist lost the coat, why's it inside their house?
2. Does the closet have to be indestructible?
3. What happened to the thaumaturgist?

That's all for now.

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

Sandskun 16 Feb 2021 12:33

Here's the answer for those questions

1. You know those moments when you put something somewhere and forget where you put it? Basically that, but worse.
2. Being inexperienced, the thaumaturgist would experiment with his household items often. The closet was one of those items he experimented with.
3. my first idea was that he died, but i'll most likely think of something else. (thinking of making it so he's searching for it and finds out it's in the foundation's custody and tries to take it back)

As for the rest, i'll work on it as well

Last edited on 16 Feb 2021 14:12 by Sandskun Show more

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

JayKillbam 17 Feb 2021 22:34

As gleaned via DM, IRC and sandbox, author has a solid concept, however, idea needs much expansion and formulation.

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"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"

Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Zyn 17 Feb 2021 23:21

Can you clarify a bit here? What material do you as a reader want to see expanded to better enjoy the concept?

Re: Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

JayKillbam 17 Feb 2021 23:37

Oh hi ZYN! Absolutely! the writer here has a decent concept however has incomplete test logs and other sections that will ultimately add to the narrative. When in IRC he first gave me the concept idea, and I was confused, but after reading the sandbox he sent me, its clear there is thought behind the idea, but needs further elaboration. I wants to see those text logs, and incident reports expanded on. Also the interview may stand to have more work, but its a NICE concept. Irc offered more or a view into the authors idea than this original thread post.

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"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"

Re: Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Zyn 17 Feb 2021 23:42

Thank you for clarifying! That helps keep other reviewers in this thread in the loop. :)

ETA: general note, staff only delete posts that contain severe rulebreaking. No need for that here.

Last edited on 18 Feb 2021 00:19 by Zyn Show more

Re: Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

JayKillbam 17 Feb 2021 23:52

My pleasure, as you know, im new to all this, but am damn well doing my best to contribute! - feel free to delete this response if necessary.

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"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

cybersqyd 21 Feb 2021 10:29

[+] Open for crit

Hmm. I'm wondering a little about this as a SCP article: there's an interesting, almost Nobody-esque vibe to the narrative here that I like, and I think the idea of telling a story about a thaumaturge trying to steal something from the Foundation is fun; but here is my caveat: I think this story only works from their perspective and I don't think you can get that perspective in an interesting way within a SCP article.

From the perspective of the Foundation, we're unlikely to know immediately why the thaumaturge is here, and so it kinda feels like this is an article that opens on "we have found a weird coat" followed by "a random person broke in to steal it" followed by "oh we figured out why", and it feels like this is almost the opposite order it needs.

My suggestions are either:

1. Accept this, adapt it to be a tale, and likely figure out something slightly more satisfying narratively as an ending than the thaumaturge getting captured.
2. Reject this, adapt the narrative so it's more focussed on what the Foundation do and less on the thaumaturge, and try to figure out a compelling way to convey all this information in an interesting manner in the perspective of a SCP article.

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

Sandskun 21 Feb 2021 12:46

I could maintain it as an SCP Article and have the coat give off somewhat vague information about their past or something, like as a note embedded in it briefly explored in the description and some more stuff.

but i'll try a tale as well, just in case.

Edit: What if i make both? An SCP article based on the foundation's perspective, viewing the coat and the thaumaturge as potential danger to humanity, and a tale based on the thaumaturge's perspective, where his motivations and past is further explored. Both of them being connected in some way

Last edited on 22 Feb 2021 00:56 by Sandskun Show more

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

cybersqyd 22 Feb 2021 10:13

Edit: What if i make both? An SCP article based on the foundation's perspective, viewing the coat and the thaumaturge as potential danger to humanity, and a tale based on the thaumaturge's perspective, where his motivations and past is further explored. Both of them being connected in some way

I mean, you could but like, both would likely need to stand alone somewhat. It feels like it'd be prone to feeling repetitive as both cover very similar narrative beats but I don't really have a great feel for what the two things would look like.

I could maintain it as an SCP Article and have the coat give off somewhat vague information about their past or something, like as a note embedded in it briefly explored in the description and some more stuff.

I mean, you could but it feels like a very on the nose way to convey it? Iunno, you can always play with it a little and see how it feels.

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

Sonderance 04 Mar 2021 07:55

Placeholder! Got summoned via PM to take a look-see. Will crit in a bit.

Alright, here’s my take.

+ show block

To start with, I’m not sure how I feel about these two plot beats in tandem:

To enter and traverse through the site he uses a revolver with bullets which creates self-closing passages, but due to this he goes through several dangerous SCP along the way, breaching some accidentally, and others intentionally.

He then manages to reach the coat and put it on, but an SCP shows up and manages to severely wound him and the guards chasing him, reminding him of his past and becoming paralyzed with fear.

Is your character scarred by their interaction with the ‘natural anomaly’, or are they not? Do they grieve their friend, or is it okay because the friend’s in the coat? There’s a lot of emotional narrative dependent on the events that are skimmed over in the first paragraph.

In line with that, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about your last paragraph:

The coat then takes over and helps deal with the situation, getting the thaumaturge back on his feet and helping out re-contain the breached SCP, having the guards they saved let them escape without interfering.

I suppose this kind of life-saving action could serve as the end of the thaumaturge’s emotional arc, but once again, I’d need more details as to where they started on that arc.

If you respond to this comment and would like me to see it, please send me a Wikidot PM, as I will not be notified otherwise.

Last edited on 06 Mar 2021 04:52 by Sonderance Show more

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

Sandskun 06 Mar 2021 23:34

The thaumaturge is scarred by that interaction, as he watched all his friends die trying to get rid of it, and his last remaining friend basically acts as his therapist, helping him get back to his high spirits former self. He doesn't really grieve his friend as they interact with each other daily, but he does wish his friend could have a body of their own.

At the point where his friend is taken from him, he's still mentally recovering, and is very dependent on his friend to keep his mental health in check, to the point where he can have a breakdown just from being separated. At first he doesn't think much of the SCP, being blinded by his desperation, but does realize afterwards when he confronts something similar to the reason of his mental health being the way it is.

i think i'll just remove the intentional part, that might help.

Last edited on 08 Mar 2021 15:02 by Sandskun Show more

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

Sonderance 10 Mar 2021 07:55

Collapsed for ease of scrolling, since mobile sucks.

+ show block

The thaumaturge is scarred by that interaction, as he watched all his friends die trying to get rid of it, and his last remaining friend basically acts as his therapist, helping him get back to his high spirits former self.

Is the actual thing they fought relevant here, or is it just a generic ‘giant evil’ for backstory? I know the latter option sounds critical, but it’s a wholly valid choice to focus on the here and now.

At the point where his friend is taken from him, he's still mentally recovering, and is very dependent on his friend to keep his mental health in check, to the point where he can have a breakdown just from being separated.

With this in mind, what growth do you plan for him to display in this piece? Character-heavy concepts like this one often work best if we can identify the difference between how the protagonist starts out and how we leave them in the end.

At first he doesn't think much of the SCP, being blinded by his desperation, but does realize afterwards when he confronts something similar to the reason of his mental health being the way it is.

I’m usually a little iffy when it comes to the “meets several random anomalies” plot point that shows up in a lot of break-in concepts, but as long as it’s not the focus and you don’t try to wedge in any crosslinks or well-known SCPs, you should be okay.

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

Sandskun 10 Mar 2021 13:01

[+] guess i'll do it too

I might not do much with the anomaly aside from making its death ambiguous, i feel like writing out both the events of the fight and the heist may be difficult for me to pull off, so i'll start from the aftermath of the battle and continue from there.

As for the character progression, i plan to make it so he starts off somewhat depressed, indecisive and afraid of conflict against anomalies, becomes engulfed by wrath by the disappearance of the coat, abandoning all regard for safety, and later finds hope when helping the foundation, ending with him acting more confidently and fearlessly even without the coat.

I don't plan on focusing much on the battle against the SCP and neither do i plan on referencing any existing SCP intentionally. The story will also not reference words like SCP, as it will be told from the perspective of the thaumaturge, having limited knowledge of the foundation

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

Sonderance 14 Mar 2021 06:43

Collapsed for ease of scrolling.

+ show block

I might not do much with the anomaly aside from making its death ambiguous, i feel like writing out both the events of the fight and the heist may be difficult for me to pull off, so i'll start from the aftermath of the battle and continue from there.

Fair enough. It might be best to include something in order to establish the thaumaturge’s fear and the coat’s situation, but that kind of balance can be worked out later.

As for the character progression, i plan to make it so he starts off somewhat depressed, indecisive and afraid of conflict against anomalies, becomes engulfed by wrath by the disappearance of the coat, abandoning all regard for safety, and later finds hope when helping the foundation, ending with him acting more confidently and fearlessly even without the coat.

I thought the coat helps him help the Foundation in the end? Or did I get that wrong?

I don't plan on focusing much on the battle against the SCP and neither do i plan on referencing any existing SCP intentionally. The story will also not reference words like SCP, as it will be told from the perspective of the thaumaturge, having limited knowledge of the foundation

Alright, that works for me.

All in all, I'm satisfied enough to give this a greenlight. As long as you let the thaumaturge's emotional journey stand out, I can see this being a solid piece.

Re: Concept: Infinite pocket coat

Dr Spectere 08 Mar 2021 19:03

Placeholder will crit in 48 hours, feel free to pm me if i forget to leave a crit on it

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