SCP-5870 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-5870.

This Author Post is Sponsored by the Koalalition

Sinagsikap 30 Dec 2020 11:27

Hello! Veralta's here with a new SCP about koalas, nature, the future of Australia, and intricate worldbuilding based on the beliefs of aboriginal Australian people like the Bundjalung and the Eora. Consider this SCP a free New Year trip through Australia, and a little bit of a crash course on the Australian condition.

Also, it's linked to Ralliston's Obearwatch Command; fun fact, all of these started when he threw the word "Koalalition" at me, and I said, "Hmm… uwah, this looks interesting". I initially planned out a short article with a gimmick and a punchline.

But then, I realized I had to dive deep into the waterhole.

The aboriginal Australian belief system, also called Dreamtime¹, is very complex and interesting. It would be a shame if I just went with a silly punchline when aboriginal culture, with its mix of hopes and dreams for Australia, needs a chance to shine here.

Lastly, consider this article as a piece dedicated to Australians and wildlife - such as the koalas themselves - who have been affected by the severe bushfires. As a Filipino youth, I couldn't do much to be honest, aside from raising awareness. I tried to stay true to the myths' essence while adding my style of writing to them, while I researched news about the bushfires.

All in all, though, please enjoy this SCP, and I wish a Happy New Year - and more happy years - to come for all of us!

Special thanks to Ralliston², Meisteroni does not match any existing user name, DrChandra, Rose the Changeling , for concept checking and making my narrative is solid. Dysadron and caspian2 also have my gratitude for their comprehensively good LBL and critique. Last but not the least, I also want to give a well-deserved shoutout to Dr Balthazaar for providing guidance on Australian beliefs and culture. You guys are amazing!

Footnotes

1. By the way, this word does not cover what the beliefs really mean, and while dreaming is a part of the culture, it is not just that. Additionally, the word "Dreamtime" may even be just a mistranslation of words meant for deities.

2. Bear goes rawr :p

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The pen is the killer of fear.

Last edited on 30 Dec 2020 15:15 by Sinagsikap Show more

+1

Ralliston 30 Dec 2020 11:30

i genuinely cannot believe people actually want to write for this garbage GOI of mine

Re: +1

Sinagsikap 30 Dec 2020 11:33

one person's trash is another person's motive to make a sort of treasure, I guess? :P

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The pen is the killer of fear.

Last edited on 30 Dec 2020 14:01 by Sinagsikap Show more

Re: +1

johnnyblushoes 22 Mar 2021 20:17

das a funny way to say amazing XD

IAmTheOoga 30 Dec 2020 13:04

Dude, I love aboriginal mythology and stuff like it, and it helps even more that this one had a happy ending. Easy +1!

Sinagsikap 30 Dec 2020 13:08

Thank you very much! I researched a lot of Dreamtime beliefs and cultural practices for this, so I'm glad you enjoyed this article :)

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The pen is the killer of fear.

-1

Diquah 30 Dec 2020 18:17

Greatly written but for me lacks the foundation’s essence. It feels like there’s too much of a person on the other side, rather that a bland office worker who has seen evil things and is complicit.

In my opinion, they shouldn’t care about the decline of the koalas. It’s just an observation. Not every article has to lead you to believe the foundation is f*cked up, even the fact that they look into the (idk what’s the word, environmental, endangered species) is a great new perspective on the foundation. But when I read this I feel like I see you passionate about this topic (and that’s great!), but a Foundation worker will most likely not be.

On a different note, the whole article progression/ending was unsatisfying to me. I’m not a hater of happy endings, but it felt like a bit of a joke moment to me. (“That’s it?” Kind of moment)

(Humbly, in my opinion, who may more may not be correct)

Re: -1

Ralliston 30 Dec 2020 21:57

The Foundation didn’t care about the koalas disappearing due to them wanting to keep nature safe but due to it potentially being marked as anomalous activity and might leading to breaking the secrecy. Hell, in the Broken Masquarade all it took were a couple of relatively small events that led to the total collapse of the Veil, so with such a giant event as an entire species literally disappearing from the planet I believe the Foundation had every reason to intervene to stop a potential break of secrecy.

Re: -1

Sinagsikap 31 Dec 2020 02:18

Offering my two cents as the author, I believe you unfortunately misread the whole article.

So, the first point. It's not anomalous, you say. For context, this article takes place in 2022, two years after the bushfires have occurred. Safe to say, if thousands of koalas¹ still disappear at that point, without any fires, that would be utterly anomalous, right? I mean, it's the symbol of Australia, and someone's bound to notice the fact that they're disappearing.

Plus, I don't think large, flying serpents are a species native to Australia, because if that's the case, then I would be saving up in order to ride on those. Second, koalas are cute, and I won't trade those for snakes.

Second, I'm not sure on your thoughts about the pacing. You say "greatly written" at the start but then dismiss my article's pacing and narrative as a joke.

Choose one - it's ok if you found the article unsatisfying, but I'm just really confused about what you said.

Additionally, all people I asked did not point out that my article was too sparse and unnaturally progressing, and I'm against the idea that environmental action against climate change is a joke, so I have my doubts on everything you said.

Lastly, the ending (Incident DROPBEAR) was crafted in order to suit the New Year. Look, I don't want to shoehorn drama, politics² and angst into this whole thing just to reduce the possible "that's it?"moment, because that would detract from the whole koala and aboriginal culture angle.

Plus, I'm simply basing off the fact that Dreamtime is rooted in the concept of an everywhen - the fact that it is timeless, so I actually don't feel good about you saying that this is a joke.

Footnotes

1. You should also note that even those in zoos - safe from bushfires - disappeared.

2. Australian politics are a whole another level, and as a Filipino, I didn't dare touch on that deeply.

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The pen is the killer of fear.

Last edited on 31 Dec 2020 02:36 by Sinagsikap Show more

Re: -1

Diquah 31 Dec 2020 18:12

I didn’t say it was a joke, I said the pacing wasn’t right to me. I was surprised the ending was “just like that”, if that makes sense.

In my opinion, in the nicest way possible, I can see you on the other side of the screen, writing this. Not a foundation researcher. The writer seems passionate and excited about this topic. It can have a happy ending, but maybe have them report things as

“The case [of the disappearance of the many koalas] was originally thought to be a massive poaching operation that would damage the ecosystem was dismissed, but when the events’ anonymous properties became apparent research into the disappearances quickly began.”

For me it needs to have that sense of, ‘a sad thing is happening and we don’t give squat about it until we can prove it fits under our strict criteria.’ That’s was missing for me in this piece. Some sad moments could make the happy ending have a larger impact.

And about being skeptical, you can go ahead and dismiss my advice as wrong but it is advice and I think you should take it and craft this SCP to be 1% better. People generally don’t like my SCPs and I feel kinda hated on the forum but I’m trying to help people and pitch ideas that haven’t been thought of yet. I’m gonna leave it here before it turns into a rant.

Good luck with your article.

Re: -1

Sinagsikap 01 Jan 2021 02:28

I now fully understand your points, and I will keep in mind, particularly the fact that I need to improve the tone of my writing style. I apologize if I sounded rude a little, but at several points, I was just confused by some of what you have said.

Hopefully, I rectify in future articles the writing issues you pointed out, because now that I think about it, professional tone is a problem for me. I will also try to make the anomalous part clearer :)

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The pen is the killer of fear.

atomicthumbs 24 Jan 2021 01:04

this is lovely

-1

(account deleted) 03 Feb 2021 18:58

While the story itself is solid, it suffers from a severe lack of clinical tone in some areas (which I'll point out below), some grammatical issues, and parts which I think can come across as 'too much', if that makes sense.

Let me also state that this article is not bad, if anything I think it's a good read, albeit it can go overboard, at least for me.

Show

Sightings of "flying serpents" are to be quickly verified and actively monitored.

This right here is the first thing that stuck out to me, the use of the word 'quickly' here. It's not clinical and throws off the tone a bit. Normally I wouldn't make much note of it, but this is only one of many. The same could be said for the rest of the containment procedures- they come off as vague and somewhat confusing. Generally speaking, I'd avoid adverbs like 'quickly'.

It is to be noted that the surviving koala population at this point numbered approximately 62,000.

Define 'this point', and 'it is to be noted' can come off as out of place, I'd put this sentence in a footnote or a separate section.
This also doesn't make much sense in-universe, because, in a later update, we are told that they are extinct, so wouldn't the description be updated by then..?
Again, niche complaint. I'd also avoid using 'additionally' in what is supposed to be a clinical tone, especially in the description, especially multiple times, especially as the preface to a paragraph.

despite all efforts
leaving most of them as stumps
are important to aboriginal culture

These parts gave me a better idea of what the issue was- you seem to have a tendency to 'over-describe' certain things, and use too…colorful? Vague? Adjectives, which can throw off the reader. I think that this can really mess up the tone of the article, and this is only made worse because you have parts where you do adhere to clinical voice, but then relapse.
Personally, I think it'd be a lot better if you attributed certain sections to someone other than the fictional author of the article.
Hear me out:

Based on the current rate of disappearances, extinction of both koalas and eucalyptus trees will >occur in six months as SCP-5870 continuously occurs. This is despite increased legislation, >rehabilitation efforts, and environmental projects concerning affected areas.

This would sound a lot better if it was 'attached' to the description, like a note from an 'outside source' you'd see in articles like the ones HarryBlank writes, which would excuse a lack of clinical tone and make it way easier for you, the author, to describe what is happening. It'd be a lot easier for the reader to digest if Dr. Soandso Yadda-Yadda, Foundation expert in Australian Anthropologies, said that. This seems to be a better solution to me as I went on reading, especially when you get to the background reports and status reports- make those 'separate', attributed to an individual rather than the faceless unknown who wrote this article in-universe.

Also the exploration log would be better if it was put in italics, because that would imply the author is just writing what they're seeing in the context of a log, instead of an attempt at clinically describing…uh, all that business.

This article relies on a lot of more fantastical elements which can be really hard to write clinically, so don't strain yourself trying to 'fit it in' and instead give yourself an oppurtunity to be more elaborate.

I'm relatively new here myself, so take it with a grain of salt, but I really do think that it would be so much better if you did these things.

Last edited on 04 Feb 2021 13:38 by (account deleted) Show more

TL333s 24 Mar 2021 00:59

Novote from me. I agree that tone is an issue, but I was more turned off by the article just flat explaining everything that's going on. No room left for the reader to figure things out about the serpent, for starters.

Also, it's just so damn long. D: I did not finish it.

Also, I don't know if it's just me, but the footnote numbers appear inline with the rest of the text instead of superscript. I figure it's the formatting module being used. 5464 has the same issue.

Last edited on 24 Mar 2021 01:00 by TL333s Show more

Ralliston 24 Mar 2021 22:52

Also, I don't know if it's just me, but the footnote numbers appear inline with the rest of the text instead of superscript. I figure it's the formatting module being used. 5464 has the same issue.

That’s actually a problem with BHL itself — it’s been having some problems recently, but Woedenaz is currently doing their best to fix it up from what they said in SCPD, so it should be fixed soon! ^^

GreenRaven 23 Jul 2021 01:13

This didn't grab me and make me look like some articles do, but it was a very intriguing look into Aboriginal culture.

You have a bit of what I'd guess is an editing error:

to serve as their surrogates, as there are no there no currently living specimen on Earth.

I also corrected "bearing" their fangs to "baring", since it's clear from the context which was meant. (They were showing their fangs, not carrying them.) :)

The respect you showed is worth a +1 all on its own.

Last edited on 23 Jul 2021 01:14 by GreenRaven Show more

LORDXVNV 01 Sep 2021 22:45

This depresses me because it describes a political will to action that simply doesn't exist in the real world.