The concept:
Elevator Pitch: A teenager name "Janual Grey" discovers that he's no longer a human after an unexplained blackout while camping at Acadia National Park, and later on woke up and finds himself as a reality-altering eldritch abomination.
This sounds like a good setup, but there isn't much done with it throughout the narrative and the rest of the concept. Nothing really expands on what happens to the skip itself or how that affects him. Along with this, there much explaining what the blackout did to cause this, or what caused him to fall asleep.- did this happen while he was asleep? did the blackout cause him to fall asleep?
Discovering his powers has made a few changes in him. Janual possesses numerous anomalous properties that not even he knows how many he has and every 24 hours. If Janual doesn't consume any food, he will get driven into a state of absolute hostility, where he would go on a never-ending frenzy to satisfy his hunger, which of course that time he would begin to use more of his anomalous properties to lure humans deep into the woods. This is why he usually lures bad peoples into his territory and consumes them; this is a nature he embodies.
This feels a bit overcomplicated, the effects shown here (and their progression) are fairly specific, how would this look in an article? how do the characters and Foundation learn about this 24hr rule? why does this happen at 24hrs specifically? how is it stoped?
Another thing I have an issue with is the sheer amount of anomalies the skip has, if there are so many effects that not all of them can be mentioned, then there are too many. I would highly recommend you simplify this down to one or two main anomalies, as it keeps the narrative and concept simple and doesn't cause the skip become overpowered as easily.
The narrative:
Janual wasn't actually a human at all from the start. His father is an eldritch abomination worshiped by a cult named "Servants of "Darkness" " secretly built under a church where the cult mainly focuses on worshiping a deity named "Darkness". When the cult managed to summon his father after offering a sacrifice as a deadman's body, it manifested itself into the body. It seduced Janual's mother into having a child when she visits the church during Christmas with Janual's grandmother. After borning out Janual, his father de-manifest itself out of reality to let its son, Janual, destroy the world instead of it. However, due to embodying some human natures, Janual didn't become malevolent as his father was.
Overall, this feels closer to an explanation than it does a narrative, how would the current narrative fit into an article? how does the Foundation learn about this?-whats the build up to this discovery? does the skip ever learn of this?- how does that make him feel (assuming he does eventually learn of it)?
Along with this, the "the mother is this and the father is that, this is their child" premise, feels a bit cliched to me. As the concept and narrative don't currently offer anything new to the premise, which as a result, makes everything feel a bit flat.- what makes this stand out from similar ideas?
After a few years, Janual's mother witnessed him eating their next-door neighbors in his monstrous form at 3 years old. As she started to find answers to why her son is like this, she soon discovers the truth while reading some books about gods, ancient myths, and satanic traits, including mythos of different beings. She even surfs the web for information and soon found the truth. She knows what she must do. She must find a way to seal his powers from being unleashed due to worrying that he might bring apocalyptic events and was successfully to be able to seal it. However, during the past years, she slowly forgets about it.
This still feels closer to an explanation, there isn't any clear setup, middle act, payoff and conflict here. what actually happens in the story? how does this affect the skip itself?
-small nitpick: the murder of the neighbours isn't really mentioned again, how is that covered up?
The Foundation doesn't really get a mention here either, which confuses me as the article would be written from their perspective. How do they find the skip originally? how is it contained? what do they learn about it? who are the main characters (assuming some are researchers)? what is the main conflict? how does the narrative end? how will this story make me as the reader feel?
Generally thoughts:
Overall, the skip itself isn't really given enough focus in the narrative or concept, and due to the amount of effects it currently has, it feels closer to a comic book character as there isn't any motives or clear focus shown. Along with this, the narrative comes off as an explanation rather than a narrative.- how will all of this fit into an article? what is the progression of events? whats everything building up to?
Overall, I would recommend simplifying the idea down (get rid of anything that doesn't contribute to the main idea, or would be irrelevant to the concept and narratives progression overall), find one main focus and one or two effects for the skip and build the narrative around that.- as a quick note: make sure the effects relate to the skip and each other.
Hook:
Hook/Attention-Grabber: Janual is a friend in school with SCP-105 before being held in Foundation custody.
This isn't really a hook, as it isn't related to the rest of the concept, its not brought up anywhere else, nor does it play any role in the story. The hook is the main idea of the concept/narrative, the part that will make the reader invested. Generally, you're looking to put the core idea or main focus of your concept/narrative in the hook.
-as a second note, I wouldn't recommend referencing series one articles, as it takes focus away from your skip and can come across as a way to quickly gain attention. If you're interested in cross linking, I would recommend only looking at the more recent series (5 and 6).
Red or green?
Due to my afore mentioned concerns, no greenlight
If you would like me review this (or any concept) further, then please feel free to send me a PM or ask via IRC. Response times generally range from 2-12 hours over PMs. If your looking for additional critiques in general, then I would highly recommend contacting the butterfly squad :)
(account deleted) 23 Dec 2020 19:19
