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Seeking Greenlights: Yes
Page Type: SCP Article
Genre: Horror
Elevator Pitch:
A reality-altering entity that manifested with a general appearance as a tall black figure dressed up in a bartender suit of the mid-1900s. It has no signs of hair, eyes, nose, except for a mouth with serrated teeth used as a perfect ripping tool. The entity's face is pitched black, utterly devoid of facial features. However, despite lacking facial features, it can sense when its targets are near at all times.
The entity is not hostile, understands standard human languages, and is also capable of speech. However, it is sometimes hard to understand what it says due to its respiratory sound problems.
Central Narrative:
SCP-XXXX is a reality-altering entity with numerous anomalous abilities. In all of which, it is in foundation custody. The goal was to learn more about the entity's powers because the Foundation has stated that it has many other anomalous abilities. SCP-XXXX must have a daily check-up for its condition because researchers have confirmed that it would eventually cause significant disturbances upon reality1
SCP-XXXX does not show any signs of hostility, seems to understand everyday human languages, and can also speak. The entity has a passive personality; because of this, the Foundation could freely interact with it. Still, they cannot touch it.2All things related to the entity's origins must all be kept away from it.3.
However, it speaks in a voice tone that others sometimes find hard to understand due to its respiratory sound problems. Thus, the Foundation has ordered some researchers who could understand and make its speech clear.
SCP-XXXX was brought to the Foundation's attention during 2013 in North America when they received witness reports of something lurking inside an abandoned row home in the general state of disrepair. It resulted in the dispatching of MTF Alpha-9. During the process of detaining SCP-XXXX, seven personnel lost in action. Later on, the rest could weaken it, as it was taken back by the MTF to Site-19.
During the interview session, SCP-XXXX states that it has no memories of its past. The only memory that it could remember was that once a bartender4.
Hook/Attention-Grabber:
It was brought into existence shortly after an adult died in North America in the mid-1900s named Alex, working as a bartender in a bar with a very aggressive boss. Alex's boss did not admit how good he was and put much stress on him, forcing and always scolds him to do more work. Alex did not have any rest and slowly gotten depressed and aggressive nowadays. Later on, Alex has gotten into a car accident and died after getting hit by the car while crossing the streets to walk his way home.
A strange phenomenon has created a manifestation event5 Caused Alex's negative feelings, personality, and thoughts; he thought about his boss to bring the entity to life with fake memories of its existence and embodied a few human natures.
Additional Notes: if it is not exceeded 400 words, I would've written full information that people would understand.
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This Life Is Mine
Hey! Thank you for sharing this in IRC! Here is my crit:
As a reader, I would like to know more about the "respiratory sound problems" the object suffers from. Also, what specific languages can the object speak and understand? Can it also write?
SCP-XXXX is a reality-altering entity with numerous anomalous abilities.
What are these other abilities?
All things related to the entity's origins must all be kept away from it.
3. Because it is also what is giving it mental health problems.
Mental health is a very sticky subject, my suggestion is to either get a lot of information and help from someone suffering from it, or write about your own experiences. Anyway, writing personally, the object reads like it could be suffering from Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. (Bipolar feels like being silenced, but all one can do is whisper. That's the vibe I get from your SCP object.)
I have a few comments about this paragraph in general. Why is the object so passive? With such a violent back story I assume it would be more aggressive?
This wraps up my crit! I hope this helps, and again, thank you for sharing this!
Edit: I threaded the wrong post. My apologies!
I am not qualified to give greenlights yet. However, I think this is a decent concept. Here's my (albeit rudimentary) critique:
This contradicts itself. Saying 'targets' implies that your SCP is a predator that hunts down its prey using its anomalous sensing properties, yet then you say it's not hostile. Perhaps you might want to word that differently.
Next, how does it find its targets? Echolocation? Heat sensing? Anomalous means? You might want to specify that and how the Foundation found that out.
What kind of disturbances in reality? I'm confused… you just listed what emotions it felt. Or maybe that was supposed to be symptoms of being around it. That would be a cognitohazard or maybe memetic hazard. Even so, if the footnote was supposed to be its behaviour, that again contradicts the earlier statement about it being non-hostile.
Have a nice day!
b e p i s
Central Narrative: none
One of these is highly recommended. Otherwise you just have a monster for monsters’ sake and we’re long past those days.
Keep in mind, what we’re doing is writing short stories *contextualized* as paranormal database entries. What you’ve got here is all sizzle and no steak.
What can you do to make me care about your creature? Why should I keep reading?
Sorry to say, but I’m with Metridium on this: there’s no narrative here. You can describe a monster as much as you want, but you need something to give an emotional attachment and narrative thread. Does it escape? Does it have a secret soft spot? Does it have an interesting story of how it was created?
This is gonna sound blunt, what it ultimately comes down to with every article is: “Why should I care?” What reason are you giving for the treader to care about what the Bartender does?
You clearly have a lot of passion for this and I hope to see you take it further.
SCP-XXXX, also known as "The Bartender," is a humanoid entity with unchecked limitations and numerous anomalous abilities.
Sorta checked out right here, if I am honest. I am not interested in reading about another god tier anomalous human that's "super cool."
I don't care about this character because there is no character… just a crazy list of abilities that make it more powerful than anything possibly could be.
Wait, I don't seem to understand what does "unchecked limitations" means? I mean, I've heard this word while reading some online articles on the web.
It's a weird way of saying "unknown limitations".
Are "uncheck limitations" and "unknown limitations" both the same?
This isn't really dong it for me. While I don't usually mind it when something just happens for no real reason (anomalous phenomena don't really need much of an explanation as to why or how they happen, because that would defeat the purpose of it, after all), I find this to be lacking in a steady logical thread to follow.
From what I gather, going from the start, an early 20th century boy grows up with a dream to bar tend in New Orleans, is driven to a boiling point by his father, dies in a car accident, and then assumes the form of a nightmarish entity. And then the Foundation has them in custody. It feels like there is some missing gaps here and a want for the entity to be powerful. Not saying that the entity can't be a powerful nightmarish freak, but if that's what you want, then focusing on this shallow origin story isn't the way to go.
I know you have a draft ready, but to be honest, I don't think it would change my mind much. What I would suggest based on the summary of the concept here is re-evaluating what exactly you want to see this article grow into. If you want a creature with a sad story, then some work is going to have to go into making the story impactful and relevant to the creature's current state. If you want to make a super monster, consider how you could best showcase that monster's cunning and strength and couple it with how the Foundation interacts with it.
PM request acknowledged.
T.L. at your service!
it is an eldritch being that cannot comprehend whose proper form
What did you mean by this? It can't comprehend who's proper form? Could you maybe clarify this?
I personally think the general appearance of the entity and aspects of the entity itself is quite cliche; it makes me think of other SCPs and other spooky humanoids like Look-See, Slenderman, SCP-106, and many others I can’t remember the names of. Adding on, the major world disasters because of an entity’s instability is majorly overdone. However, I am way more concerned about your narrative portion. Is there a reason behind why it is being referred to as a bartender? Just wearing a bartender suit only constitutes a fraction of being a bartender, or it might not at all. I don’t really see such a huge connection with this aspect and the rest of the narrative. Does it actually have anything to do with it? What’s the full history behind this entity? What made it the way it is now? Where did the theories of its existence come from? How did it end up at the Foundation? If it can talk, why not have the Foundation conduct interviews with it? Could you maybe do into detail with its anomalous abilities? Honestly, what you have as a narrative isn’t really considered a narrative. It’s just a series of more information/suggestions of more information about the entity’s abilities. You’re going to need a better plot for this concept to work out, and I either recommend fleshing the one you currently have out more or coming up with an even better plot for this instead.
Overall, this is just a bunch of cliches all haphazardly bunched up into a not fully thought out concept. For now, I’d just recommend doing some rework on the narrative to see if this concept might have a fighting chance. Personally, I don’t see this as something successful as of current. But perhaps you can change my mind?
I’m still finding the anomaly rather generic, especially with all the cliche tropes I mentioned before. Not only that, but the anomaly is contradicting in itself. You stated that the entity isn’t hostile, yet it is extremely aggressive? I think you should clarify what you meant there. Moreover, the anomaly is overly complex with all of those added details; it’s a lot of information to keep track of. Adding on, with the way the anomaly is designed, it would be incredibly difficult for there to be many possible narrative plots. I think that may be a problem because of your current narrative. I personally don’t see “something lurking within an abandoned house” as enough to trigger Foundation action. You’re gonna need to expand more on that. As for the story on Alex, how would the Foundation know about it to document it? What you’ve provided so far is shallow and honestly not unique. I’m gonna be even more honest, entities forming from negative feelings, I’ve seen that same aspect across so many already existing concepts both within and out of the SCP Wiki.
Overall, I’m not confident in this concept, and I don’t see it as something successful. Again, it’s filled with too many overdone tropes. For now, I’d recommend nerfing the entity you have and toning the details on it down. Remove the unnecessary details like what it looks like and condense the information on it. Focus more on expanding the narrative. That is what brings your concept to life.
This Life Is Mine
(account deleted)
