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Draft: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/navimaster
Greenlights: http://www.scpwiki.com/forum/t-13863596/lost-in-the-fog-temporal-scp
Word Count: 4.5k
Here's the skip I've been working on for the past week.
I'd like to know if you guys think this is worth posting on the site.
Feedback is very much appreciated! Please let me know what needs patching up.
Thanks.
Responding to IRC request
"People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to affect, but actually, from a non-linier, non subjective point of view it is more like a big ball of wibbily wobbly timey wimey…stuff.
-The Tenth Doctor
I should let you know that I'm no pro in clincal tone, but my dialogue is definitely better, so I'll absolutely be of more help there.
Without further ado…
A Foundation meteorological team is to be stationed on Site-287 at all times,
I feel like 'in' or 'at' would work better than 'on' for 'stationed on Site-287.'
which is to receive additional staffing during the Spring and Fall, as there is an increased risk of manifestations during this period.
Probably just a personal thing, but I'd use 'Autumn' over 'Fall.'
And change 'this period' to 'these periods'.
All efforts should be oriented toward predicting precise dates and times when SCP-XXXX will appear.
This line reads a bit strangely. We can change it to, 'All efforts should be focused towards predicting the precise times for SCP-XXXX appearances.'
Note: the seasons (like Spring and Fall) aren't proper nouns, so they don't need to be capitalized.
Extensive research has shown that all victims had been traveling during clear skies and when the difference in air temperature and dew point was less than 2.5 °C (4.5 °F), conditions favorable for the formation of fog.
The first and second half of this feel oddly disjointed.
I think you can separate the 'clear skies' bit and the 'conditions favorable for the formation of fog' bit.
Clinical tone pretty good so far. I'm impressed.
I'm about to hit the video logs. Let's take a closer look, shall we?
Containment Log
Richardson: Yes sir.
Comma after 'yes'.
Carter: You know, how come we're the only ones out here hunting this thing? There are other MTFs better equipped to handle stuff like this.
Richardson: What's the matter, Carter? You afraid of a little Jurassic Park?
I'm personally not a fan of this because I can't imagine highly trained MTF agents being this unprofessional, going as far as to complain on the job. Also, I doubt the Foundation would send the wrong MTF into this anomaly. I do remember what the plot twist was, though, so I'll bite for the time being.
Williams: Grow up, Richardson.
Honestly, I kind of agree. Granted, this might just be a personal thing and only a personal thing, but I'm still not fond of this unprofessional dialogue. It's too…cheesy, I guess. For something as serious as a time-based anomaly releasing pre-historic stuff into modern times.
He notices something laying on the ground.
lying* on the ground.
I actually had to google this, so I'll just copy-paste the reason why it's lying and I'll also bold it out.
The verb ‘laying’ means ‘putting something somewhere’. The verb ‘lying’ means ‘telling falsehoods’ or ‘resting’ or ‘reclining’.
Miller stares into the lens and gives a cocky grin before turning in the direction of the truck.
This almost makes me forgive the unprofessional feel, just because of how Persona 5 this feels.
Closing Statement: The camera was successfully handed over to Foundation personnel and the prehistoric creature, nicknamed "Petrie", was transported to Site-135 for study.
MTF agents making jokes and wisecracks on the field, while not my cup of tea, at least could work. I know for sure that official Foundation documentation wouldn't recognize nicknames.
Log 1:
The camera has a hard time auto-adjusting as the fog swirls around the team.
Let's try, 'The camera struggles to auto-adjust as the fog swirls around the team.'
Williams: Please step out of the veh—
I think you should clarify that the vehicle actually stopped. I kinda assumed that it kept moving.
Richardson: Or when he disappeared to.
Carter: Shut up, Richardson.
Richardson: What? I'm just being specific.
Why do they bicker like high school classmates?
"Or when he disappeared to" makes me think of Scooby Doo for some reason. I have no idea why.
Miller: Uh, hi. What's your name?
I get the impression that this MTF is more like bumbling, socially awkward young adults rather than trained anomaly-handling Foundation personnel.
Carter: Shit, he’s serious about killing this guy.
Why does this man sound so oblivious to the fact that these opposing-forces civil war era soldiers are trying to kill each other?
I want to ask why the MTF didn't just leave after command said so and stayed behind to watch two civil war era soldiers fistfight, but then again, I can excuse this…seeing actual civil war era soldiers appearing before me would definitely hook my attention as well.
Log 2:
Carter: The mission?
Why wouldn't this person know the mission? I'd like to assume mission briefings are a thing in the Foundationverse, headcanon or not.
Now they're starting to sound more like MTF soldiers stuck in a temporal anomaly and not like idiotic high school students.
Brooks walks to the side of the road and unzips his pants. He conducts his business.
I want to comment on why this is mentioned and not just written as, 'Brooks steps off to the side for a moment,' but I'm not sure if that's even necessary. Ignore this part for now.
Apologies, by the way, the unprofessional dialogue is making me increasingly nitpicky.
Brooks: Uh… someone there?
I feel like a trained MTF soldier would stay quiet to try to gauge any potential, hidden threats.
Command: (pauses) Agent Miller, we have no one of that name or designation within our records.
Now things are picking up. I the professional feel of this part. Imo, this is how the dialogue should have been from the start.
But I can see what you were going for. I just don't like the amount of, 'uh, um, what?' and 'uh, okay, um' that are present left and right.
The camera pans upward to see a Tyrannosaurus Rex coming out of the trees and biting down on Brooks, lifting his body.
My inner Jurassic Park fanboyed at this. I approve.
Log 3:
The camera activates, flickers to view.
Remove comma, put 'and' between 'activates' and 'flickers'
The camera falls off the pile of sticks. Miller can be heard cursing at it before it shuts off.
I liked this part because of how solid it felt when I read it. That said, the dialogue here is okay. He's speaking more proper now, which is to be expected, considering how fucked he is here, no time to be making jokes. I don't feel the emotion here, though. I didn't really get to know his fellow soldiers aside from the unprofessional (sorry I keep tossing this word around left and right) banter and excessive, 'uh, um, what do I—' that I kept reading.
Story-wise, it works. Emotion-wise, I felt nothing too deep or personal. Intrigue? Yes. Investment into the characters? No.
Log 4:
Miller: (breathing heavily) So I've been thinking. SCP-XXXX is different than we thought. Maybe the fog exists in multiple points in time. Like a hub. That's why we kept running into all those people back there.
Or it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff?
Couldn't resist ^_^
Also, this tidbit is intriguing.
Miller: You know, I don't have a lot of regrets in life, come to think of it. I had a great childhood, married a beautiful woman, had two precious girls. And then, for some reason, I got this job. I thought, oh hey, there's something I can get behind. A job that really makes a difference, you know? Containing threats and capturing dangerous entities. And not for fame or fortune either, since no one outside the Foundation knows about us. Or that we're out here, you know, protecting them. But you know what? That's fine. At least I used to go home every day proud that I was making the world a better place for my family.
I liked this part and felt something from it, even though 'narrate-monologues about my life choices in the face of imminent death' is kind of, if not overdone (I actually have no idea if it is), can still be considered a trope, afaik. Still, I liked this part. Thinking about loved ones in the face of danger always works.
This part also vaguely reminds me of SCP-3001. Extremely vaguely. As in, 'dude gets stuck in fuck-my-life-land and hates his life and reminisces on loved one/lover.'
I think you get the point.
There was a draft I read not too long ago where I remarked on why the camera-man kept repeatedly recording themselves doing things when it would have been more convenient to just…not do so, in universe, and it read like the camera was on just for the sake of showing story.
Here? In this draft? It sort of feels like that, but being alone in the face of temporal, foggy madness, having something mundane like this can help keep one at least somewhat sane. So I give it a pass here.
Miller: Yeah I guess that was too much to hope for.
Comma after 'Yeah'.
Miller: Poor thing. Looks like it's been through a lot. I think it's still recording.
Satisfying ending, despite every issue I stated earlier.
All in all, an iffy execution at the moment. I found the events themselves interesting as well as what was happening interesting, but the dialogue peaked at pretty acceptable and dipped to cringey and awkward and unprofessional. I can get behind wisecracking teammates on the field, but like, acting like immature, awkward constantly confused high school students pulled me out of the otherwise interesting adventure and bogged down the Containment Log as well as Logs 1 and 2.
I found no significant clinical tone issues, but I'm still not a pro in that field, so definitely run that by someone who is.
I can still see flashes of brilliance in this draft and I definitely look forward to the final product.
Either way, I hope I wasn't too harsh and I hope you find this helpful. I bid you the best of luck and wish you a fruitful journey on your first SCP!
Check, check and check! Thank you Quad, I appreciate the feedback!
Fixed the minor spelling and grammar mistakes that you caught.
I've also gone and changed the parts of the logs where the dialogue went too much into small talk and led to bickering. They should sound more like soldiers now and less like confrontational high school students.
I've also removed the part where they meet the civil war soldier. I'm not sure how to do it properly where it doesn't seem out of place, so for now, it's not in the logs until I find a way to work it in that I'm satisfied with.
Overall, I think the logs need more work, and I thank you for your time reviewing them. I will continue to tweak them until they're much better.
Placeholder. Be right there!
So, another reminder that clinical tone isn't my strong suit but I am better with diaogue.
Alright,
ConProcs
Clinical tone, so far, so good
As per Veil protocols
'Veil protocols' <-I don't know, but I really liked this. Sounds so professional.
I saw no significant flaws with the clinical tone. Alright, time to hit the logs once more!
VIDEO LOGS
Containment Log
You have a helicopter pilot called Big Brother and I freakin' love that.
Brooks: Alright, game faces on.
I really dig this.
Miller: Alright. You heard the lady. Williams, get the cobweb.
Swift, got a smidgen of attitude, but significantly subdued in the heat of a mission. Also, I like the fact that they called it a 'cobweb'.
Miller: Look at this poor thing. It looks like it's been through a lot. (pauses) I think it's still recording.
(Miller stares into the lens and gives a cocky grin before turning in the direction of the truck.)
Much better. A scene like this is infinitely more charming after you showed them being professional and soldier-like; doing it this way shows that they're still human, just hella trained to be a bunch of units.
Though, cocky grin is a little too casual. I'd suggest 'arrogant smile' or something similar.
Log 1
Brooks: Uh, you guys seeing this?
I'm still not really a fan of the 'uh', since I attribute that more to confused civilians rather than MTF troops who expect to see weird stuff. But it's only 1 compared to the boatload from before, so I guess it can slide. Maybe it's just a small initial moment of shock before it tapers off into acceptance.
Is is just me or did Log 1 feel shorter? Or maybe it's so much stronger, I didn't have to stop and comment on every little thing ^_^
Either way, not bad. I dig what I read. More professional and a it evokes a bigger sense of mystery.
Log 2
Brooks: This place just never ends.
Carter: How far have we traveled?
Richardson: Not sure, probably 4 clicks?
Carter: Feels like we've been going in circles.
I feel like removing Brooks' line and making him say 'feels like we've been going in circles' would make it stronger, but I get the feeling you're trying to make him somewhat of a tiny bit more 'complainy' than the others, but in a significantly reduced way that's not just straight up teenage whininess. Idk. Maybe I'm being too nitpicky and overanalyzing.
…Yeah, I'm just overanalyzing at this point.
Regardless, the dialogue has been significantly improved.
(The herd pays no attention to the MTF. They are fleeing from something.)
You can replace the period with a semi-colon ;
Since the second half of the sentence is communicating something as a continuation from the first. I'm doing a very poor job at explaining it, but that's how semi-colons are used.
Uh, apologies if that was a little unclear.
(Another deep rumble, this time much closer. Something large and scaly moves inside the fog.)
You can definitely replace 'scaly' with 'reptilian', I think.
(Leaves rustle and a snapping sound like someone breaking twigs is heard).
(The camera pans upward to see a large reptilian eye staring at Brooks.)
This whole scene is so Jurassic Park-like, and I love it. I even heard the Jurassic Park theme in the back of my mind when I read this.
(The Tyrannosaurus Rex bites down on Brooks, lifting his body.)
'bites down on Brooks and lifts him off the ground' would work better, I'd say.
Overall, the more serious and professional tone of the logs is definitely a significant improvement, though I still feel like something is missing here. There's danger. There's banter. But, I think it feels like it's going by too quickly, almost. Hm.
I think it's because we don't stop and explore any of these timey wimey based locales in depth. We touched base with an oldies car, tribal people and a t-rex, but then what? It almost feels like a guided tour instead of an in-depth exploration log.
Like, with a concept like this, I imagine the team getting chased by the T-rex, running away and ending up in the futuristic sci-fi land and sliding under a vertical closing metal door just in time for the T-rex to zap itself or something. Stuff like that?
Not something as simple as Brooks becoming its lunch, Miller stumbling around in a fog for a few days, showing us a glimpse of the futuristic city and then saying, 'lmao fuk that' and leaving.
It's like going to Disney World or Universal and deciding that you'd rather just watch the rides and stare at the lines rather than go inside.
Log 3:
(An animal shrieks in the distance.)
The fact that this happens but is ignored is a nice touched, I'd say. He's so used to the weird stuff that happens that he doesn't even care.
Miller: You know, I don't have a lot of regrets in life, come to think of it. I had a great childhood, married a great woman, had two precious girls. And then, for some reason, I got this job. I thought, oh hey, there's something I can get behind. A job that really makes a difference, you know? Containing threats and capturing dangerous entities. And not for fame or fortune either, since no one outside the Foundation knows about us. That we're out here, you know, protecting them. But you know what? That's fine. At least I used to go home every day proud that I was making the world a better place for my family.
This is still a good monologue, if a bit…overly plainly stated? No. I think it's because I've already looked at this once, maybe now I know all the tricks this story is attempting to showcase.
Either way, the buildup to this point still doesn't feel like it gives a good enough payoff.
Log 3 ain't bad and it works to show Miller getting more and more worn down by the timey wimey fog, but I don't feel too invested in it. Like, I'm curious about where he's going and the downward spiral he's experiencing, but not super into it.
Log 4:
(The camera activates. Miller is staring at a stack of stone obelisks pouring out a black liquid similar to ferrofluid. They line up the road.)
Miller: Jesus. What are those things?
Honestly, I agree. What are those things?
Miller: (interference) — I trus— (interference) … and th— (interference) … (interference) … knew all along.
For this line, I only have two words.
'Hell yeah.'
Final thoughts
The ending is now significantly stronger, and the journey here is definitely a lot better, but it still feels lacking. Like this anomaly has so many time periods smushed together, but all we're doing is just marking things off the checklist.
Dinos? Check.
Cave/tribesmen? Check.
Giant robot in the future? Check.
Oldsmobile? Check.
It feels too…safe. This article right now feels like it's playing things way too safe.
We need it to be more daring. We have an anomaly where dinos and robots can exist at the same time while hippies can drive underneath the both of them and tribesmen can throw spears at said hippies and yet it never feels like it goes anywhere with this amazing concept.
I'm happy you removed the scene where the soldier was peeing in the woods, though.
'Does-business-in-woods-only-to-get-jumped-by-threat' scenes are so…lazy imo.
Any who, I hope this followup crit helped.
Unfortunately, I will decline all future looks, since looking at the same concept and/or draft twice is my limit. Fresh eyes are very important for any piece of work.
I bid you good luck on the rest of your journey!
Asked to crit via IRC. Please keep in mind I am not an official critter.
First off, this is a beautifully formatted draft. I'd remove the top "Classified by the authority of the SCP Foundation" header though. It doesn't add anything and is needlessly distracting.
Second, the description of the items is a little hard to understand. You state it's a weather phenomenon that forms from the fog, but then you later state that it's a Class II temporal anomaly, so which one is it?
Some line by line:
A Foundation meteorological team is to be stationed at Site-287 at all times, which is to receive additional staffing during the spring and autumn, as there is an increased risk of manifestations during these periods.
Remove everything after autumn. You'll want the reader to see that the site is to receive additional staffing during spring and autumn, wonder why, and continue reading to find out. There's also usually no reason to explain why containment procedures are needed in the ConProc section itself.
All efforts should be focused on predicting the precise times of SCP-XXXX manifestations. To achieve this, teams should analyze data on climate and weather patterns from national weather forecasting institutions, as well as from their own instrumentation.
This would read better as "All efforts should be focused on predicting the precise times of upcoming SCP-XXXX manifestations by analyzing data on climate and weather patterns." It's already implied the weather paterns are coming from forecasting instituations and that they'll be using their own instruments (whose else would they be using?).
During a NOTD event, MTF Epsilon-8 ("Mist Watchers") is to be dispatched to cordon off Dillon Dam Rd under the cover story of unfinished construction work. A security perimeter should be established within a 15-kilometer radius of the anomaly until it has dissipated.
Personal preference, but "Dillon Dam Rd" should be spelled out fully as "Dillon Dam Road", and "cover story" should be "falsified premise" or even just "premise". Also, and instances of "should be" work better as "will be".
In the fall
You used "autumn" before, I recommend remaining consistent.
from the nearby lake
You already identified the lake as being adjacent to the road, so "from the lake" works fine.
In each instance that the Foundation observed the anomaly's formation process, the fog drifted from the lake and moved toward the road, settling into its standard location for its usual duration.
Change to "During each manifestation, fog was observed moving from the lake to the road before settling."
Since this presents a clear risk to the safety of the local populace, Dillon Dam Rd is monitored at all times from a nearby observational facility designated as Site-287.
Staff have been disguised as civilian weathermen stationed there by NOAA4 under the guise of assisting local news stations in researching atmospheric and weather-related phenomena.
The installation is equipped with telemetering devices for collecting all relevant levels of meteorological data within 12 km, such as temperature, precipitation, and wind.
MTF Epsilon-8 is currently stationed at this facility and on standby in the likely scenario that a NOTD event occurs.
The perimeter is enclosed by a chain-link fence and patrolled constantly by armed security guards. Entry is only allowed to Level-3 personnel via access keycard.
Any trespassers are usually apprehended, questioned, and then given Class-B amnestics before being released.
These are procedures for containing SCP-XXXX, so they should be under "Containment Procedures".
Quadraginta already touched base on your logs and I agree with what they said in regards to that.
The idea and story are there, but are brought down by over-explanation and extraneous information that has either been stated earlier in the draft or doesn't relate to containment or the anomaly itself. There's some good parts and some bad parts, but you're definitely onto something here.
Thanks for the crit!
I've gone ahead and edited the parts you felt needed changing.
I've also organized it so it that the article doesn't have parts that overstay their welcome or seem repetitive (extraneous information).
The part about Site-287 probably belonging in the conprocs is true, however I'd rather have it in the description since it flows better the way it is (in my opinion). Edited: I've organized the segment about Site-287 into its own Addendum.
My main issue is with the logs, which mostly lack emotion and better use of good dialogue. I'm having a hard time with it. I will tweak as necessary and continue seeking crits on that.
Much appreciated. —Navi
Requested to crit, shall return shortly.
Hey there, Requested to crit so I'll give this a go for ya.
Conprocs: It feels like it would make more sense to just re-route the road, if it wasn't a major one for easier containment. Less chances of people seeing/interacting with the anomaly that way. I'm unsure why it's barred to communicate with people from the SCP, as there is no reason given other than to not do it. I would either have a reason, or just remove that part as it doesn't really add much. Other than that it seems fairly comprehensive given the SCP.
Description: Overall, seems rather well written.
Logs:
It resembles a strandbeest.
Other than that, I will say the segmented text is a bit confusing. I'm sure its designed that way, but it implicates something sinister almost? Though there have been no hints of such things anywhere else in the article. So to me it seems out of place and either more information is needed to be sprinkled in or less of the audio to be distorted so the reader can better grasp what he's goin on about. Or perhaps I've just missed it.
Seem to be good as well, though I would perhaps add something after the logs, I feel like an update detailing that most of the information has been gleaned off of the camera that had appeared out of the fog. As well as any possible sort of temporal-screwyness that could emerge from Miller's past self interacting with the camera.
All in all, I think this is a well written article with little to no formatting errors from what I can see. It didnt quite have me on the edge of my seat, however it is interesting and stands out from other articles I have read. Hope this helps, best of luck
Disregard this bit
This actually helped a lot! Thank you for the crit.
You are right about the conprocs. I revised them so now traffic is rerouted away from the road and I removed the last bit about not communicating with anyone inside the mist (I don't think that is necessary since it doesn't really add much). I am keeping the segment about the meteorological team though since the anomaly is a meteorological event.
As far as the logs, I agree that some parts do seem out of place and come out of nowhere at times. I am going to rework the logs and make them flow a whole lot better.
Again, thank you!
I'm not normally a critiquer, so take this with a rather large grain of salt:
A Foundation meteorological team is to be stationed at Site-287 at all times, which is to receive additional staffing during the spring and autumn.
To avoid the double “is to” thing you get when combining these ideas, you could try “A Foundation meteorological team is to be stationed at Site-287 at all times, with additional staffing during the spring and autumn.”
Rating: Medium
…under the premise…
You probably meant “…under the pretense…”
Rating: Nitpick
…until the anomaly has dissipated.
If the cause of this is an event (a NOTD event), the procedure should last “…until the event has completed.”
Rating: Nitpick
…all personnel are restricted from entering SCP-XXXX…
SCP-XXXX isn't one constant thing, it's a designation of a manifestation, so that should be reflected here as "…all personnel are restricted from entering SCP-XXXX manifestations…"
Rating: Medium
…colloquially referred to as missing time…
…I just thought this was a strange detail to include. Why do we care what the locals call it, especially when what they call it doesn't give us any new information? If the name was some important local cultural thing, or if it gave us a subtle hint to the nature of the origin of the anomaly, maybe this could be important. But as it stands, it's just distracting.
Rating: Medium
…was less than 2.5 °C (4.5 °F).
The imperial numbers in parenthesis thing is really only for when precision is needed, so with "less than" and with the two values not being exactly the same, it's not really necessary.
Rating: Nitpick
Any trespassers are usually apprehended, questioned, and then given Class-B amnestics before being released.
Why only usually? That should probably just be standard procedure for all trespassers.
Rating: Medium
ConProcs
This is the part of the article I think I found most issue with. Simply put, I don't find that the article has justified these containment procedures. For example, why does the foundation spend so much effort to find out exactly when another manifestation will occur? Wouldn't it be easier for them to just shut down the whole road for the spring and autumn months, rather than using an entire meteorological team plus extra staff? I feel like a bimonthly security perimeter makes just as much sense, and be lower maintenance. Perhaps the current ConProcs would make more sense if the anomaly was more erratic in it's timing, but it's presented as quite regular.
I guess the fact that I didn't find much at all wrong with the second half of the article must mean I was pretty invested! And yeah, the stinger at the end was great. Overall, I don't have too much to say, mostly because I think it's just about ready. Good luck to you!
Placeholder! Got summoned via PM to take a look-see. Will crit in a bit.
Alright, here’s my take.
To start, I should say that you write some solid, realistic dialogue. For a new SCP author, that’s a huge skill to have on your side.
There are, however, places where the “stage directions” of the dialogue could be clinicized a bit. I’m no expert at this, but here are a few examples:
(The camera pans to face some sort of insect-like machine further down the road. It moves forward on twelve legs in a completely fluid manner. It resembles a strandbeest.)
Unfortunately, I don’t think “strandbeest” counts as clinical vocabulary.
(The figures get closer; a group of tribesmen with spears approaching the road.)
I think “tribesmen” refers more to early anthropologists’ descriptions of native Africans, so might want to avoid that. Still, I’ve gotten some pushback from other critters on that, so it’s up to your discretion.
(The herd pays no attention to the MTF. They are fleeing from something.)
The “They are fleeing from something” feels more like a stage direction than an objective description of what is occurring, if that makes sense.
I’m sure there are other issues, but those are the ones that stuck out to me.
Moving on, I’m not so sure how I feel about the logs. The stinger at the end is certainly potent, but the garbled/interfered dialogue mixed with the almost anecdotal events that Miller encounters makes it difficult to see what arc you’re trying to accomplish here. I can see that you're trying to show Miller getting more and more worn down, but the death of the random kid feels somewhat out of place / sudden, and the thrown camera seems somewhat counter-intuitive considering what he's gone through so far.
Oh, and also, one last nitpick: velociraptors have never been found in North America. T-rexes? Totally.
