SCP-5366 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-5366.

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**SCP-5366 - Until death do us part and every day after** - Author Post

Pedagon 10 Nov 2020 23:58

"Every man has two deaths, when he is buried in the ground and the last time someone says his name. In some ways men can be immortal." - Ernest Hemingway

This entry was inspired by my own fears of not being able to communicate and be heard. To me, the idea that you could be just out of reach of someone hearing you but still be unheard is the most horrific thing possible. Sprinkle in some paralysis themes and add a touch of torturing your loved ones and this will be what comes out. I hope you enjoy it!

Critters in no specific order: Ralliston, Dysadron, Its a Bad Idea, RadioactiveRADS, Rounderhouse, FatherOfPhilosophy, daviiid, AnActualCrow, J Dune, WizzBlizz, DrChandra, Jakob17, and Researcher Brayan

Last edited on 12 Nov 2020 07:37 by Pedagon Show more

+1

Ralliston 11 Nov 2020 00:04

This genuinely made me more uncomfortable than what happens after, and that’s saying a lot.

Re: +1

Pedagon 11 Nov 2020 18:31

Some lore just for you is that in 2019 the proposal to stop monitoring Erluzor was accepted and they no longer listen in. Then, in 2020, the wood of his coffin gave way and filled with dirt, smothering Erluzor and compressing him completely. Perl continues to visit though. Every day. She’s only 40. She will continue to visit for a long time. Have a good day :)

Re: +1

Jakob17 11 Nov 2020 19:02

You are the reason the scarlet king doesnt come to our dimension you are a monster

Re: +1

Ralliston 16 Nov 2020 21:01

I want to believe with him being totally compressed he lost all consciousness. Knowing you however, it's most likely not the case and he's feeling an even greater pain, isn't it?

please tell me he is free please. ~ this post was made by claustrophobia gang

+1

(account deleted) 11 Nov 2020 00:10

One thing,

Perl.. Please.. Let me go. I can’t.. I can’t take this. I need you.. Please.. Move on. Please.. Stop bringing me back.. Please.

I believe there should be three periods, not two. So,

Perl… Please… Let me go. I can’t… I can’t take this. I need you… Please… Move on. Please… Stop bringing me back… Please.

---

I'll be crossing you in style, someday!

Re: +1

Pedagon 11 Nov 2020 02:14

I have updated the final line according to your feedback! Thank you!

I was always taught that .. meant a short pause and … was a held pause. So thank you for sharing your preference :)

notgull 11 Nov 2020 00:49

Very tentative upvote. It's executed well enough for my tastes, but there are some glaring issues in here that I'd like to point out:

• SCP-5366 is described as a worldwide phenomenon with a variety of different effects; yet, the only case described is that of a singular GOC agent. The jump from the Description to the rest of the article is very jarring. If SCP-5366 was just "the body of Agent Lynas", it would feel much cleaner as a whole.
• The leading line "SCP-5366 has been placed under the study of the Department of Theology and the Department of Science" serves no overall purpose and could be safely axed.
• "Agent Lynas' repeated phrase has been included per Foundation record keeping policy" I don't see what's added by saying that it's only included because of "record keeping policy".
• The dialogue feels very one-sided. I know that's the point, but it makes me wonder if allowing Lynas to hear Peri would make the SCP stronger.

Like I said above, the unsettling execution (even if it gets a bit too close to SCP-2718 for my liking at points) wins my upvote, but these issues distracted me from that somewhat.

(account deleted) 11 Nov 2020 02:00

The leading line "SCP-5366 has been placed under the study of the Department of Theology and the Department of Science" serves no overall purpose and could be safely axed.

Actually, I feel like this could be moved to the containment procedures! I remember there's at least one other SCP that has an "operational purview" thing.

---

I'll be crossing you in style, someday!

Pedagon 11 Nov 2020 02:21

I have taken the advice of VoidLady and have added the line into the ConProcs.

To address the other notes, I had originally had Lynas being able to hear Perl but it became too convoluted and long to just describe why he could hear her but she couldn't hear him. This choice also comes from my own fear of being locked into my own prison just out of reach from the rest of the world. To me, it is more horrifying to be able to yell and make sounds but have no response from the outside world.

I also chose to use only this one example because I wanted to get across that this is happening to everyone that visits their loved ones, but the Foundation is only really calling attention to this one couple because they are getting information from them. To include more examples felt like it would just be the same thing happening to multiple people and wouldn't contribute to the overall storyline.

Thank you for all the feedback and the +1! :)

1+

Jakob17 11 Nov 2020 07:01

You did an amazing work with this i feel so dirty just reading this its impressive im not easily disturbed but you pulled it of great article

Researcher A Kaufer 11 Nov 2020 18:53

Creepy. Really freaking creepy. It's a short article, sure, but I think that's part of the charm of this skip. It does what it needs to do concisely and effectively. Really well done, and earned my upvote.

+1

JakdragonX 12 Nov 2020 01:30

Although I'm rather distasteful towards the thought that someone "speaking" to their loved one (assumingly out of grief or loss) would directly cause the aforementioned loved one to become temporarily reanimated and feel pain from that interaction, I'm comfortable enough to also give a tentative upvote. The fact of the matter is that this article made me feel uncomfortable, which I didn't necessarily expect.

It's rather simple and to the point; however, the only legitimate critique I have is that I still don't necessarily understand what this anomaly exactly is, or what it's intended to be. I understand that it's meant to be intentionally vague, but I still feel like I have no clue what I'm really reading about. Besides that, however, I did enjoy this.

J Dune 13 Nov 2020 05:18

Good stuff. The dialogue could definitely be improved and truncated, but the concept is creepy enough for me to look past that. Awesome job!

carolynn w 18 Nov 2020 06:15

While I found the language of this piece to be okay, I didn't enjoy what message the article seemed to present to me, if there was intended to be one besides a very cruel and punishing what-if about love and grief. It felt sort of mean-spirited. I guess a lot of horror is mean-spirited, to be fair, but it didn't feel particularly scary either, just unpleasant, especially given that the story of the two characters stalled out after the first log.

Last edited on 18 Nov 2020 06:28 by carolynn w Show more

PlaguePJP 21 Nov 2020 07:59

Erluzor’s dialogue is slightly distracting at times, making my suspension of disbelief waver, but Perl’s is so intensely ghostly that it brings be back in.

I really do like this. I was worried that this would be somewhat derivative of What Happens After, and while these elements are here, this story is wholly different. The concentration on a more grounded subject matter puts this in a unique perspective that I found interesting.

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