SCP-5221 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-5221.

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Author Post

chiifu 27 Oct 2020 07:36

This… was a ride. A real big ride to write. I've never written anything this long, and normally write around short-medium length pieces (1-3k words). However, the idea of having this supermassive pyramid object underground was just so oddly engraved in my head, and I really wanted to write it. Jak (JakdragonX) ended up throwing away some drafts, and I came upon one with a really oddly evocative image (the final image in the piece). That, plus my mind which was really racing to write something, just flew together so well.

I really didn't know what to expect writing this, but if it's to your liking, then that's great.

---

Valued Critters: Hexick, Dr Moned, PlaguePJP, EstrellaYoshte, Quadraginta, ihp does not match any existing user name

Last edited on 28 Oct 2020 04:16 by chiifu Show more

(account deleted) 27 Oct 2020 09:21

Length was a concern when you were asking for crit, but honestly? This is just about perfect. Some people might object to the fact that you're portraying O5s as normal human beings and not corrupt immortal people/corrupt immortal deities/corrupt immortal etc., but honestly? Just seeing O5s argue outside of the context of a meeting is such a refreshing thing that gives character to entities that haven't really had any.

(And I am REALLY glad you cut down on the swearing— "ook fucking ook" is a great line, but it doesn't belong in this piece)

Dr Moned 27 Oct 2020 15:08

Love the length in general and I don't think any part of it is wasted. As someone who likes having the headcanon that O5 are normal people, just burdened with more responsibility, this is nice and refreshing.

Perfect!

Quadraginta 27 Oct 2020 17:08

Sweet! Read this as a Draft, upvoted it in Kaktuskontainer, and now I can upvote it on the mainsite!

+1

<3

+1

JakdragonX 28 Oct 2020 00:02

First off, I adore this. As one who isn't necessarily keen towards any characterisations of the O5 Council, this article kept me engaged, entertained, and thoroughly invested on the actions of O5-8, O5-10, and Kristine. The length of the article did not phase me, as the events flowed and blended so smoothly that the length seems warranted.

Some nitpicks, for you

This was personally ordered by the Overseer, with the reasoning behind it has been classified.

This appears fragmented. I would suggest maybe changing this to something like, "This was personally ordered by the Overseer, with the reasoning behind it being strictly classified."

Next thing you know it, I'll get killed in my sleep.

The "know it," seems personally a bit wonky. Maybe you could just omit "it" and instead keep it as "Next thing you know, I'll get killed in my sleep" (usually thats how its typically stated anyways)

Despite these nitpicks, I genuinely enjoyed this article, and I'm glad you could achieve something so phenomenal based off one photo and a rough description! :)

Grigori Karpin 28 Oct 2020 00:16

So overall I liked this, I think the story told overrides any problems I have with it. So I’m upvoting….

But:

• this overstays it’s welcome dramatically. I think there’s a lot of bloat that could be trimmed down, especially in the dream sequence once 05-8 is in the machine.
• The dialogue is rough in parts, everyone curses so much… and it’s not just that they curse, O5-10 and O5-8’s log is full of really childish language. It feels like two teenagers arguing. Same could be said for O5-10’s journals. The phrasing just doesn’t fit a super powerful executive type in his forties.
• This is probably just a me problem, but the internal logic of the way the votes occur bothers me. When the second meeting (where only 4 O5s bother to show and vote) occurs, there’s no way they’d have quorum to make a binding decision. If a board of directors had 12 members and only 1/3 of them showed, the regulations/bylaws would clearly state that any vote wouldn’t have an effect. I get that it was probably so you only had limited interactions in a dialogue, but you could add something that those who didn’t appear gave their proxies to those that did… (again this is probably just a Grigori being a lawyer thing, so feel free to ignore this point)

1+

CanOfSoup 30 Oct 2020 12:43

I remember reading a rough draft of this, way before it was finished. I really like this!

1+

Sergeimosin 03 Nov 2020 13:38

This is one of those times where the length works against the content for me. I had trouble keeping up with everything going on and sort of fell into the "Oh look, anomalous soap opera" mindset about halfway through. I sort of see what you were trying for here, but it didn't land for me.

SkateTroe 04 Nov 2020 18:20

I liked the structure you were going for here, and seeing O5 drama SCPs is always a solid hook for me. Unfortunately, there were a couple of things that just kind of broke immersion for me. I'll be honest, I have a lot to say and most of it is negative. But please, if you read this, don't get discouraged!! Keep writing regardless!

The very top one being that there is no way that people as powerful as the O5 Council would allow two of their members to be married/separated/parents to the same child—basically because of something exactly like this happening. But even if they did allow such a thing, the moment one of them starts going after the other (the way 10 went after 8), the rest would pretty much immediately eject both sides when decision making started.

Additionally, the dialog felt remarkably childish for two people with the weight of O5 responsibilities on them. People curse, but the amount of cursing in some of 8's notes was enough to pull me out of the story—it didn't feel like he was frustrated, it just felt like a child who recently discovered he's allowed to curse. And the interview between 8 and 10, while believable in the context of some people chatting in the hallway, is entirely unbelievable in the context of a secure, recorded, and council-mandated interview. The complete lack of professionality that either of these two have while making up ~1/6 of the steering power of the entire SCP Foundation is concerning and unbelievable.

The idea of an entire trained Mobile Task Force being taken out by a single non-anomalous individual also seems incredibly unlikely to me, but it's something I would have let slide if I weren't already put in a critical mood by the previous suggestions.

Overall, within the context of the SCP universe, I think there are too many violations of logic to make this good. Had it been lower-level researchers I think I would have believed it more, but the fact it took place at the O5 level made the rest of this unbelievable for me.

Again, please don't let my remarks discourage you from writing more!

nigelreg 10 Nov 2020 07:21

-1. Agree with others, no way the O5's were allowed to get married, and the way they behaved was too unprofessional. The "You have (1) new message!" also kind of not in-universe for me, although I think I encountered this trick before. Only $15 (or 20?) millions was enough to build this whole thing, and no one other Eleven (who helped Eight) knew of anything happening the whole time? A non-anomalous individual taking out an entire MTF? Also a little long for what it is.

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