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reserved
epilogue coming soon
thanks to my team and the contest runners
thank you for reading
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Agreed. This is in my top 3 favorite series on the site.
i wanted to find a way into this past the walls of uninspiring set descriptions and action-movie lines……….. but the cartoon sprite video game villains speaking cartoon sprite video game lines is what turned me off.
i think a lot of this is hampered by an over focus on the visual spectacle? in that tech entities do battle with fancy lights and florid imagery? but there isn't enough emotional weight, character, or even conceptual intrigue to these images, to the point where words like Noetic and Memetic just reek of buzzwording more than any coherent attempt to build a world with meaning.
honestly, qntm's made it work by playing a lot more deeply with what memory is — digging in the horror of affecting memory on a personal level — and so when he invokes the buzzword Memetics, it takes on a lot more emotional weight than what youre doing here.
however, i do respect the graphic-novel esque formatting a la 17776 etc., i think theres a lot of potential for that in the future (in fact, this reads a lot more like a graphic novel script than a textual piece, so im wondering if you might be more comfortable exploring that in the future?). anyway so props to that. also the sprites are cute.
Your points about the horror of losing one's memory are covered well by the portion of the story authored by Its a Bad Idea ("Man what a day. I should call Pierre once I get reception. Pierre… His mind suddenly revolts at the thought of his coworker. He… he must've had the day off.") I'd like to believe that I also at least tried to convey this, in the segment where Agent Lurk forgets everything he's done as soon as he's done it.
Not to mention — the canon we chose for the contest is AIAD. There is no There Is No Antimemetics Division canon. AIAD is known for, and is revolutionary on this site because of, its blending of sprites, pictures and text to tell a story. We weren't setting out to rival qntm's series — we were setting out to continue what LurkD started. And if that means our stories won't be works of high-minded high-concept literature, so be it.
Seriously, bashing our series just because it has too much video-gamey techno fighting and sprites saying quirky things is like bashing the War on All Fronts team for having too many giant monsters and not enough tear-jerkingly profound emotional impact.
But War on All Fronts does have too many giant monsters and not enough tear-jerkingly profound emotional impact.
Not every form of medium is equally capable of conveying ideas. WOAF is so much better tailored to a visual medium, whereas most of anything by Pratchett or Douglas Adams works inherently better in the written word. Pointing out these decisions and how they interact with the storytelling medium is a valid form of critique.
The choice of what a piece focuses is still a choice, and is as open to criticism as any other part of the piece.
I'm not a good writer, but here's what I feel from this series.
As a story, it feels like it follows the same archetypes as antimemetics division. I drew many parallels, particularly the way 5241 and 3125 read.
But there are two things I don't like
I know it's not ideal to compare this to antimemetics division, but both seem to work very hard on selling the imagery. However, this feels wordy. It sells very complex images, but describing them in excruciating detail that makes reading through it a chore. For example:
"Its field of vision is entirely obstructed by awful shades of pulsing, reorganizing, calculating green pixels. Here, this close to CORE's interface, a creature's face forms within the center of its being."
This could've been an image. Something I can scan instantly. But I have to read through this text, and then I see the face within an eye. Which I already read, so what more do I get from this image? Nothing. I know making those images isn't easy, at least for me, but the whole text box that quote belonged to felt unnecessary. Plop the jellyfish sprite down and add a tentacle or something holding it. Do we really need to know what scout is thinking? Does the first "we can see you" really need to be here? I don't think it does.
Another example:
"Glacon stands his ground, legs bent and spread in preparation for a fight. He raises his fists in front of him, but his mind wanders beyond the situation. How could he fight this thing if it had decimated 8-Ball and absorbed Mnemosyne? Why would Mnemosyne sacrifice herself, the only one able to stand up to this insatiable titan, for him?"
Sandwiched between the images of the eye changing color.
The important part of this box is
"Why would Mnemosyne sacrifice herself, the only one able to stand up to this insatiable titan, for him?"
Why not just place:
Glacon looking at green eye
"Why would Mnemosyne sacrifice herself, the only one able to stand up to this insatiable titan, for him?"
Glacon looking at pink eye
I don't see the point of the first sentences. All I got was "Glacon is hopeless and there's nothing he can do". That was established already.
Point is, information is being repeated, so the article feels like rambling.
AIC faces and text boxes are a great way to blend imagery and text. Starting in internet explorers, there seems to be a lot of unnecessary info. And in compiled, the images and text are often providing repeated info.
A second thing:
You have so much whitespace in compiled. The first one hides some phrases, but unless my extensions are messing with the text, the next few are empty. I can see you might want a pause there, but I don't like filling it with nothing. Even a black image would be better, the whitespace doesn't really suggest pattern screamer or anything else to me.
As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. ~Zyn
Ah, those are valid criticisms. While I don't think my team can really implement them until after the contest is over, you made some really good points, and I thank you for reading this so thoroughly!
I will admit that Internet Explorers was last-minute, rushed, and somewhat unnecessary as well — I would appreciate feedback on what you think could be improved in that, also, if you wouldn't mind.
Here's what I'd consider key points of internet explorers:
They escaped into internet
Want to get back asap via webcrawler
Core is in pursuit
8 ball is revealed to be carrying red
They make it back via webcrawler
The ad feels a little like padding, I recommend cutting it or have the the AICs rush past it and mention it only in passing. I do think it's funny, but doesn't really help the plot.
Glacon is listed as class IV sentient, but here it behaves like sapient, very human-like. I don't think he would try to comfort mnemosyne but more try to hurry her along. It's probably easiest to just change his classification in the guide to V.
There's some chatter than can be cut out. Everything between "… 8-ball boards the train" and "The two remaining heroes stand on a …" feels extra.
Core's internal monologue also feels a too wordy.
Try to instill a sense of urgency. This section feels like a fun adventure with a minor setback.
In reality, they've just been cut off from the foundation. They're being pursued. Glacon and Mnemosyne would assume 8-ball is dead and core is on the next train. I'd expect them to head straight to the webcrawler. The issue is how to reunite 8-ball with the others, but I'd recommend moving it to fragmented if possible.
"Alrighty then, time to departt!" extra t
That being said, take everything I say with a grain of salt. Creative writing it not my forte. I'm basically the single dude giving relationship advice.
damn i really fell for this hook line and sinker huh
It's got issues, undeniably. The dialogue is very action movie — the imagery is, as said above, pretty vague and unclear which isn't necessarily bad but then you spend like, way too many words describing how it's vague and unclear which is not fun to read. I found the first part more engaging than the second, though I liked both; the first felt more truly high-stakes. Honestly I don't really have a lot to say here, because a lot of my concerns are primarily language and have already been stated at various other parts of the series. Despite its faults, I enjoyed the ride, the characters, and the story, and this was a suitable and narratively satisfying ending for me and for the series. Good work, guys.
I'm mad at myself for putting this tale off for so long. CORE was such a cool and fun villain, and all the sprite work was great!
The visuals in the writing were very enjoyable, and what happened in the end holy moly. +1
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
