A single, moving appendage measuring 1m long is attached to SCP-XXXX, terminating in a pair of human lips.
The comma between 'single' and 'moving is unnecessary. And I'm not sure if I'm just being nit-picky, but I'm not fond of using the word 'terminating' in this context, but only because I personally associate that word with killing and not just having the lips be its tip. Probably just me.
Also, this is really freakin' gross.
This appendage frequently opens to vocalize in fluent American English in a masculine tone.
Seems too wordy. I'm pretty sure, 'This appendage speaks in fluent American English in a male voice' would work fine.
Or maybe, 'SCP-XXXX uses this appendage to speak in fluent American English in a male voice.'
I think either of those would work better.
discovery was hence unreported for an unknown period of time five months until a civilian electrician entered the floor for repairs, after which the claim of a "huge flesh wall" circulated among the local populace.
I don't believe the strikeout text is necessary there. Just saying it's been there for five months should suffice.
I'm also not fond of putting in a 'huge flesh wall,' because as a certain someone whose username I've forgotten said, "even though it's in quotation marks, it's still unclinical."
You could just say, 'a wall made of flesh.'
I think.
Dr. Halls: Not, not that.
No, not that*
(Several wet sounds. Silence.)
Again. Gross.
Dr. Halls: Sir, may I know if you are short-sighted?
This is probably just because I'm slow, but it took me a second to realize that it was because Richard mistook Dr. Halls for Manny twice.
Maybe give a smidgen more indication of that? Again, I can be slow at times, so maybe you can disregard this section.
an email from Manny, an employee in the insurance company, wishing him a happy birthday when it's just a generic placeholder thing they send, causes him to have a mistaken attachment to the company, hence the fusing, and his longing to thank Manny.
My thought was that the company gave him "25% extra coverage" by covering the wall with his flesh. My mind is a strange place to be. That said, I didn't get the feel that this was why he was embedded into the wall. I thought Manny was offering some kind of weird, cursed insurance that turned him into a wall-man.
The employees regarding the mass as unremarkable was meant to show just how they didn't care for him.
I thought it was just some strange Memetic effect from the SCP itself. In fact, maybe it is. I'm not sure how the uncaring nature of the employees can be portrayed with a concept this visually noticeable.
The body text below the Happy Birthday was intended to be in small print for the old man not to notice the true nature/purpose of the email; him saying he was short-sighted near the end of the interview was meant to support that.
I interpreted the short-sighted question as him mistaking Dr. Halls for Manny twice. I don't know any formatting tricks to help you adjust font size, but I do recommend asking around for help if you still want to make the text smaller.
My concerns are mostly centered on:
SPaG issues.
If the plot was explicit enough but not too explicit.
If the emotional impact did hit in the end.
The SPaG issues were minimum from what I saw.
The plot wasn't explicit enough, I'd say, as I misinterpreted several of the plot reveals in the story.
While the dialogue didn't have any major issues, I didn't really feel for the old man's plight and I found the interviewer, Dr. Halls, to be uninteresting, even for a poker-faced Foundation agent.
The constant, 'Uh…uhm…uh…' did seem a little off-putting though, even if SCP-XXXX is meant to be a kooky old man.
Dr. Halls also seemed a little too disinterested despite interviewing, y'know, a wall made of flesh.
Unless that's just an extension of the uncaring bit.
Final Thoughts
Either way, I like the concept, and I certainly do think the story is interesting, but I found this first draft to be kinda dull and with not enough explicit plot points.
With all that said and done, I hope I helped and I wish you a good day!
:D
👍
-Quadraginta