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Link is here. Around 950 words.
Greenlights attained here.
The general plot is that the flesh was initially a lonely old man; an email from Manny, an employee in the insurance company, wishing him a happy birthday when it's just a generic placeholder thing they send, causes him to have a mistaken attachment to the company, hence the fusing, and his longing to thank Manny. The employees regarding the mass as unremarkable was meant to show just how they didn't care for him. The body text below the Happy Birthday was intended to be in small print for the old man not to notice the true nature/purpose of the email; him saying he was short-sighted near the end of the interview was meant to support that.
My concerns are mostly centered on:
Thank you for your time!
EDIT: After ManyMeats' feedback, I have tweaked the draft more a tad bit!
I'll just add this placeholder.
Before we start, I do have to say that I'm not a pro in clinical tone by any means, but I will do my best to address the issues I see.
A single, moving appendage measuring 1m long is attached to SCP-XXXX, terminating in a pair of human lips.
The comma between 'single' and 'moving is unnecessary. And I'm not sure if I'm just being nit-picky, but I'm not fond of using the word 'terminating' in this context, but only because I personally associate that word with killing and not just having the lips be its tip. Probably just me.
Also, this is really freakin' gross.
This appendage frequently opens to vocalize in fluent American English in a masculine tone.
Seems too wordy. I'm pretty sure, 'This appendage speaks in fluent American English in a male voice' would work fine.
Or maybe, 'SCP-XXXX uses this appendage to speak in fluent American English in a male voice.'
I think either of those would work better.
discovery was hence unreported for an unknown period of time five months until a civilian electrician entered the floor for repairs, after which the claim of a "huge flesh wall" circulated among the local populace.
I don't believe the strikeout text is necessary there. Just saying it's been there for five months should suffice.
I'm also not fond of putting in a 'huge flesh wall,' because as a certain someone whose username I've forgotten said, "even though it's in quotation marks, it's still unclinical."
You could just say, 'a wall made of flesh.'
I think.
Dr. Halls: Not, not that.
No, not that*
(Several wet sounds. Silence.)
Again. Gross.
Dr. Halls: Sir, may I know if you are short-sighted?
This is probably just because I'm slow, but it took me a second to realize that it was because Richard mistook Dr. Halls for Manny twice.
Maybe give a smidgen more indication of that? Again, I can be slow at times, so maybe you can disregard this section.
an email from Manny, an employee in the insurance company, wishing him a happy birthday when it's just a generic placeholder thing they send, causes him to have a mistaken attachment to the company, hence the fusing, and his longing to thank Manny.
My thought was that the company gave him "25% extra coverage" by covering the wall with his flesh. My mind is a strange place to be. That said, I didn't get the feel that this was why he was embedded into the wall. I thought Manny was offering some kind of weird, cursed insurance that turned him into a wall-man.
The employees regarding the mass as unremarkable was meant to show just how they didn't care for him.
I thought it was just some strange Memetic effect from the SCP itself. In fact, maybe it is. I'm not sure how the uncaring nature of the employees can be portrayed with a concept this visually noticeable.
The body text below the Happy Birthday was intended to be in small print for the old man not to notice the true nature/purpose of the email; him saying he was short-sighted near the end of the interview was meant to support that.
I interpreted the short-sighted question as him mistaking Dr. Halls for Manny twice. I don't know any formatting tricks to help you adjust font size, but I do recommend asking around for help if you still want to make the text smaller.
My concerns are mostly centered on:
SPaG issues.
If the plot was explicit enough but not too explicit.
If the emotional impact did hit in the end.
The SPaG issues were minimum from what I saw.
The plot wasn't explicit enough, I'd say, as I misinterpreted several of the plot reveals in the story.
While the dialogue didn't have any major issues, I didn't really feel for the old man's plight and I found the interviewer, Dr. Halls, to be uninteresting, even for a poker-faced Foundation agent.
The constant, 'Uh…uhm…uh…' did seem a little off-putting though, even if SCP-XXXX is meant to be a kooky old man.
Dr. Halls also seemed a little too disinterested despite interviewing, y'know, a wall made of flesh.
Unless that's just an extension of the uncaring bit.
Final Thoughts
Either way, I like the concept, and I certainly do think the story is interesting, but I found this first draft to be kinda dull and with not enough explicit plot points.
With all that said and done, I hope I helped and I wish you a good day!
:D
👍
-Quadraginta
Ahhhhhh I have not been checking on the status of this thread! Sorry for being late!
A lot of the points you mentioned are valid. Dr. Halls wasn't meant to be really be interesting; I would say it could just be him playing as a regular old Foundation researcher. I did want to make him have a slight hint of concern in his voice in him asking if the guy was short-sighted before ending the interview, but I guess he can be very bland as a character, as I poured in much of the characterization on the SCP.
Hm. That was a really interesting interpretation of the story, haha. In fact, you've been the first person to bring that up. I'm currently getting more opinions on whether the plot may be explicit enough, but I shall definitely consider your interpretation and amend it accordingly should the need arise.
Thank you for taking a look, as well as the SPaG/general suggestions!
I am not an experienced reviewer, so take this with a grain of salt.
[…] from access by civilian electricians and janitors […]
I think you should put "to" instead of "by".
Foundation agents under the guise of the company's security staff are to monitor the physical and mental health of SCP-XXXX daily through installed surveillance cameras.
How are they going to monitor its mental health through cameras?
[…] attached to SCP-XXXX, terminating in a pair […]
"Ending" instead of "terminating". Also, how does it hears? Does it has an ear somewhere or it's just anomalous hearing?
For unknown reasons, employees of the company regard SCP-XXXX as unremarkable
Change the ending of the sentence to "regard SCP-XXXX neither remarkable nor anomalous".
This effect extends to the company's corporate hierarchical system, including the executives. Foundation agents employed by the company also do not claim SCP-XXXX as anomalous. Whether this is an effect driven by SCP-XXXX is currently unknown. Other positions not directly related to the service of the company, such as security and maintenance, are unaffected.
Change this to "This extends to the company's corporate hierarchical system, as well as Foundation agents employed by the company. Other positions not directly related to the service of the company, such as security and maintenance, are unaffected."
Also, if maintenance is not affected, why didn't they found the wall? Haven't they cleaned the place in five months?
its discovery was hence unreported for an unknown period of time five months […]
Just "its discovery was hence unreported for five months".
[…] the electrician was amnesticized before release.
Erase the "before release".
Why is it Addendum "3-C"? Are there more addendums before this one?
On the interview, I suggest to use the standard template, which can be found on the HTWASCP page, in the "Templates" tab.
On 06/12/2015, one day after the implementation of SCP-XXXX's containment procedures, embedded agents ordered the temporary vacation of the floor under the pretense of renovation works, blocking off access.
Put that on the foreword.
Also, the interview seems to be transcribed from some audio log? Why didn't they just got down there and transcribed it normally?
(Shuffling.)
SCP-XXXX: Manny! Manny? I- is that you, my boy?
Put the "(Shuffling.)" just after the "SCP-XXXX:". Those notations go on the dialogue of the person who did them.
Dr. Halls received a Samsung SGH-A167 from SCP-XXXX's appendage.
Change this to "SCP-XXXX produced a Samsung SGH-A167 from its appendage."
Genetic analysis of SCP-XXXX did not match with that from "Manny".
Maybe "Genetic analysis of SCP-XXXX did not match with that from DeSanchez's family." Also, have they tried to search for this "Richard"?
I got the story and I felt the emotional impact. Although the emotional impact may vary from person to person, I think it is really good.
Overall, I find this to be a good, weird, emotional article.
(As a side and personal note, may I suggest to change "Richard" to "Wallace"? That way we can call it Wally, and, I mean, it's a wall… OK, maybe not).
Hey hello hi!
Thank you so much for the feedback!
How are they going to monitor its mental health through cameras?
Perhaps they could observe its behaviors and discern their mental state, maybe?
Also, how does it hears? Does it has an ear somewhere or it's just anomalous hearing?
Ooh, that is a good point; I did not think about hearing; mostly assumed it would be hearing somehow. I shall include a tiny bit about that.
Also, if maintenance is not affected, why didn't they found the wall? Haven't they cleaned the place in five months?
Yup, this is true, my bad. I could perhaps tweak the five months to something a little shorter to not stretch the degree of disbelief by too much.
Why is it Addendum "3-C"? Are there more addendums before this one?
Oh, it is just a stylistic choice, for me. I believe there are no set formats for this, so I just came up with my own; I could always change it if it does bother a lot.
Why didn't they just got down there and transcribed it normally?
This is meant to be the transcript of an audio log. I am not quite sure if I get what was meant by "transcribing it normally", but I shall take that into consideration!
Also, have they tried to search for this "Richard"?
Well… the blob is "Richard" (though I have changed it to Wallace :P). If you were talking about finding his location, I was unsure if that was really how genetic analysis worked. The person was alone, so I believe he had already lost contact with his family members a while ago.
Again, thank you so much for taking a look!
Hello, I was summoned by IRC and have included my feedback in the collapsible below. Please let me know if anything needs clarifying. This feedback reflects the way your draft looked at about 10:15am CST on 10/8.
CON PROCS
Relevant disinformation campaigns have been disseminated to disprove the presence of anomalous activity within the building, with its lower levels closed off from access by civilian electricians and janitors.
Right away this is a mixed message. You probably don't need to spell out what disinformation means, it's implied in the definition of the word. Additionally, the idea of closed off spaces and disinformation are separate and should be different sentences.
Consider: "Relevant disinformation campaigns have been disseminated and deemed successful." And then making the closed off stuff its own line.
DESCRIPTION
SCP-XXXX is a biological entity, 1m in thickness, occupying an area of dimensions 4m by 5m on the north-facing wall
The inclusion of the thickness here is weird. It's also not 1m thick if it occupies that volume. The outside boundary or membrane or tissue of it might be that thick, but the thing itself is not.
NC Mutual Life Insurance headquarters, Durham, United States
I assume you left off North Carolina because the "NC" at the start of this but that was a mistake. Should probably read as: "Mutual Life Insurance building in Durham, North Carolina."
claim of a "huge flesh wall" circulated among the local populace
I'm not sure why the electrician wouldn't call someone in on this and is instead just spreading rumors. Health department? Building inspector? Cops? This is just weird to me to stay as a 'rumor'.
On 06/12/2015, one day after the implementation of SCP-XXXX's containment procedures, embedded agents ordered the temporary vacation of the floor under the pretense of renovation works, blocking off access
If we haven't evactuated the employees then the containment procedures haven't been implemented.
INTERVIEW
The repeated use of Mister Halls becomes tiresome. I understand if this is being done to reinforce that this thing can't remember for shit but I dont feel like this is very well developed as is.
How or why is this phone charged and operational after 6 years?
I didn't think this thing had eyes, how is it reading? You mentioned lips and ears.
EMAIL
This last footnote says literally nothing and raises a lot of questions that failing to answer really hurts. Is Manny still alive or around? If yes, where is the very obvious interaction wwith him that should follow? If not, how would we have his genetic material to compare? What the heck does "similarity" even mean here? You and I likely share a lot of genetic overlap, as all humans do.
OVERALL THOUGHTS
This is a generally 'short' work at under 1000 words right now and the piece suffers for it. Normally a successful short work takes an idea or two and then powerfully packs a lot of implications into this very small package. A single question or two is raised, and the reader is left with a realization or some burning thoughts to take away from it.
In this work, you have introduced a TON of things with no explanation to them. That can be okay, you don't need to explain everything, but you do have to leave me with an explanation for *something*. And "they share 0.5% DNA" doesnt explain anything. Why would Manny describe himself in a public email as a "valued employee"? That's weird to me.
If this flesh wall was a customer why is it in this office? Is it Manny or what's left of Manny and just…reading his phone trying to remember? I don't know and it's not the good kind of "I dont know". I am left scratching my head as to what you were wanting me to realize.
I think if you clean up your language and focus on the feeling you want me, the reader, to take from this article and what realization you'd like me to have, your piece can still be improved significantly.
Hi hello!
Yup, I shall get onto cleaning up a lot of messy language soon.
Why would Manny describe himself in a public email as a "valued employee"? That's weird to me.
I was very unclear about this, my bad. I could just remove it; the email was merely meant to be some generic, placeholder email sent by the company team.
If this flesh wall was a customer why is it in this office? Is it Manny or what's left of Manny and just…reading his phone trying to remember?
The flesh wall was a sad old man who went by the name of "Wallace"; the email sent by Manny/or the company was merely most of a placeholder text thingy that was meant to just appease customers through birthday discounts; the body text in the email was intentionally made small so that "Wallace"/flesh wall would not be able to see1 it clearly, hence he misunderstood it as someone actually caring about him.
In the end, he had a mistaken and a permanent attachment to the company and a desire to thank this "Manny"; the bit where none of the employees found the flesh wall as weird or even acknowledge its existence was to show how the company never cared about him.
Overall, I do agree that I have introduced a lot that do not appear to connect to each other at all. The primary focus was that I wanted readers to feel sad for "Wallace", especially after realizing his situation. The collapsible under the "+ Plot" up above may give a bit of a clearer plot. Thank you for taking the time to provide feedback.
Placeholder! Got summoned via PM to take a look-see. Will crit in a bit.
Alright, here’s my take.
First, let’s go over your concerns.
SPaG issues.
I think this piece would benefit from a once-over from an experienced line-by-line critiquer for SPaG and clinical tone issues, but I think it’s alright to my relatively unskilled eyes.
If the plot was explicit enough but not too explicit.
The plot is pretty explicit, but not overly so. I was able to discern exactly what was going on without the text telling me explicitly. I think you hit a nice balance in that respect.
If the emotional impact did hit in the end.
I’m a bit conflicted when it comes to this question. On one hand, the emotional thread of your story is well-established and easy to follow. Lonely old man forms an affection for his insurance company whose unrequited nature we learn about as a stinger at the end. It works, at least in theory.
My concern comes from the fact that you have elements here that don’t quite mesh thematically. Why is Mr. Wallace a wall of flesh? Why does he think that Manny is his son? Heck, why the repeated misconception that Manny is talking to him? These details distract somewhat from the actual potent story you’re trying to tell here, and I’d like to know what you want their purpose to be here.
Hey ho! Hello!
Why is Mr. Wallace a wall of flesh?
I wanted this to be some form of a… representation (?) of Mr. Wallace's "permanent", or "deep-rooted" sense of belonging to "Manny", or the company in general because of his misinterpretation of the email.
Why does he think that Manny is his son? Heck, why the repeated misconception that Manny is talking to him?
Oh, I wanted to imply that Mr. Wallace was in solitude for such a long time that he mistook the email sent from Manny (who is just a regular employee unrelated to Mr. Wallace) as a form of familial affection, but I do personally think that stretches the degree of disbelief. I think I was too focused on trying to drum up sympathy for Mr. Wallace by making him so disillusioned that such a small thing could make him believe that came from his son; maybe I'll cut those lines where Mr. Wallace initally misperceives Dr. Halls as Manny.
I am slightly relieved to hear that the plot was at least a little readable to some. Thank you for taking the time to take a look!
Collapsed once again for ease of scrolling.
Not even my wife would tell me such sweet words!
This feels like a bit of an exaggeration, but hey, I don't know this guy's life.
I wanted this to be some form of a… representation (?) of Mr. Wallace's "permanent", or "deep-rooted" sense of belonging to "Manny", or the company in general because of his misinterpretation of the email.
See, I like this a lot! That kind of thematic continuity can really elevate an article. I think you do it really well with the disregard that the company shows towards Mr. Wallace; however, I think it could be slightly more clear when it comes to the relevance of the wall.
With that being said, though, I think I'd give this an upvote if I saw it on the mainlist. It's succinct, but your use of theme combined with the twist at the end creates a really solid narrative. Good job!
This feels like a bit of an exaggeration, but hey, I don't know this guy's life.
Yeah, this does feel exaggerated. Maybe… his daughter? Or someone along those lines, I suppose. Or I could cut it entirely.
however, I think it could be slightly more clear when it comes to the relevance of the wall.
I agree. Hm. Maybe I could have Mr. Wallace briefly mention something about him being attached to the company after he received the email, perhaps?
Thank you so much for taking the time to look through!
(account deleted)
